Be My Own Hero

I’m not the frightened little girl

Hiding in the dark

Waiting for the terror

To find and make its mark

I’m far from the submissive

Who hangs her head in shame

Watching as the crowds conform,

Content to do the same

I’m anything but timid

I’ll let my voice be heard

The cynicism of today

Will not drown out my words

And yet I find I’m broken

Parts scattered here and there

Bleeding, bruised and crying,

Craving love and care

I’ve been fighting bravely

Many battles have I won

But I’ve been wond’ring lately

If I even can go on

I must. I will. I have to!

There is no room to fail

At times like these you have to do

What it takes to prevail

So I’ll be my own hero

Lift myself up off the floor

Shake off the dust and carry on

Just like I have before

Nobody else can save me

I’ll fight this one alone

I’m strong and brave and beautiful

And I will make it known

Forgiveness is a hard thing to do

Today a very familiar Christian. Music song came on on Pandora, at the most opportune of moments.  The song is called Losing, by 10th Ave., North.

The very same song came on just under two years ago as I was getting into the car.  It was a very opportune moment then, too... Because just before getting into that car, I had decided that I had had enough; I was tired of the rumors (some true, most false) that were flying about me, and I was going to "get even" by publicly telling all of "their" real secrets. And of course, that song came on.

Not only did it come on, but I turned on my car right as these words were being sung: "Truth be told it doesn't matter if they're sorry or not."

And I knew that God was telling me to cease-fire. I knew, in that moment, that while it was okay to stand up for myself, I shouldn't retaliate. Even if I think they "deserve it". I knew I should forgive.

I had reached that point again today. I have been wanting to write a blog about recent events, and I have been angry and bitter and hurt, and have wanted to write it all down, get it out.

So it makes sense that this song would come on.

I'm hurt, truly and deeply hurt, by recent events. Some of my most prized possessions, and the only items I have left of that side of the family have been stolen away from me. I'm even more hurt knowing that it will have been stolen away from one child/grandchild just to be given to another.  And I have let that make me angry.

But I have to forgive them. I have to love them.

And it *doesn't* matter if they're sorry or not.

Forgiving them doesn't mean I have to trust them, though. It doesn't mean I need to - or even should - let them back in.  But it does mean I need to love them. And it's kind of hard to do that when you are holding on to bitterness and anger.

I know I haven't quite reached the point to where I am able to say "I forgive them," but, thanks to God's goodness, I am on that path. I pray He will help me walk down it.