New Year's Reminiscence

December 31^st, 2012… New Year’s Eve…

It’s hard to believe an entire year has gone by once more… 2012 has been one of the most hectic, traumatizing, emotionally disabling, heartbreaking years of my life.  …It has also been one of the most joyful, wonderful, beautiful, dazzling, healing, and soul-warming years of my life, as well.  Probably the most, actually. 

This past year, I have broken many hearts.  I have caused many tears.  I have had my own heart broken and cried many, many tears of my own.  I have made so many changes, and they have both made my life very difficult, and fulfilled it in ways I never knew they could:  leaving the Mormon Church, embracing Jesus Christ on a whole new level, having my first drink of alcohol, getting drunk (completely by accident after three glasses of .06 vol wine, which I can assure myself and everyone around me will never happen again) and having my first and only hangover –ugh, leaving X, meeting and falling head-over-heels in love with J, praying to God to help my daughter and I have a better relationship and crying with joy when it happened, feeling God’s love for me in a way I never thought I would… so many decisions, which have impacted me for worse… and most certainly for better. 

If I could go back and redo any of it, I actually would. I would try harder to keep things between X and I civil, so we could at least have face-to-face conversations without hurt feelings;  I would try to mend the bridge between my biological mother and I, so we could have at least somewhat of a relationship.  I certainly would not have been unfaithful to X, though I know in my heart I still would have left.  Yes, I would do things differently, but I cannot, so I won’t dwell.

Instead, I will thank God for the lessons learned, the bridges forged, the new paths taken.  I will thank God for all of the blessings He sent into my life this year, and beg that they will continue, and that I will be worthy of them.  I will thank God for the relationships I do have, and ask Him to help me be patient while the relationships I lost mend.  Over all, I will thank God… just to thank Him.

Happy New Year, everyone.  I hope that the year of 2013 is as good to you as the year of 2012 was to me… and I hope that, even though there were hard times this past year, you can see the value of them as you look back today.

Apologies and Reassurances

When I went to Utah, I went to spend time with friends and family. However, there was one person I wanted to see and talk to that I wasn't able to. Our conversation would not have been one of pleasantries... no, it would have been one of apologies on my end, and I don't even know what her end would have been like... unfortunately, I lost her number a while back and I have no idea what her email is. I found a number for her when I returned home, but it may be an old number... I don't know...

What I wanted to say was... I'm sorry. I am SO sorry for hurting her. For betraying her the way that I did. I understand the reason she decided to cut contact with me, and I agree it was in her and her little family's best interest. That fact breaks my heart, because she was one of my dearest friends... and I still love her dearly.

I have been reading the book Fifty Shades of Grey, and its sequel Fifty Shades Darker. It's a very good series, but there is a most intriguing character named Elena Lincoln in it... In the book, the main character, Ana (how fitting...), is dating the multi-billionaire Christian Grey. Well, she is constantly worried about this Elena Lincoln, because they once had a sexual relationship and she's certain that Elena is still interested, though Christian is obviously not. In the end, she turns out to be correct; Elena certainly is interested in Christian. Believe me, the irony is not lost on me...

But I would like to assure this friend, I am no Elena Lincoln. I may have done some things of which I am not proud in my past, but it is exactly that: past. I am not interested in any way, shape, or form, in your man, and even if I was I believe he's too enamored with you to even notice. :-) You are in no danger from me, my old friend, and I hope you know that. Never would I ever interfere with your family. What's yours is yours. Period.

Furthermore, I have my own love. One whom I love with all of my heart, with a passion and reverence I never thought I'd have... Rest assured, even if I did not have him I still would not come after yours, but I do have him, and he is my everything. That fact alone should give you peace.

Although you may never forgive me, I hope you know without a doubt in your mind that I am sorry. For everything. But more than that, I pray you'll feel secure in your relationship and never feel as though I want to take what is yours. Because I don't. You deserve far, far better than that from me.

Clarifications

I am so seriously sick and tired of hearing about how X isn’t “allowed” to see our daughter.  Seriously?? He isn’t allowed?? Wow… Let me clear that one up: he is MORE than “allowed” to see our daughter.  In fact, he is ENCOURAGED to see her.  But until there is a filed custody agreement, I’m not letting someone who has tried to screw me over again and again take the most precious person in my life out of my sight, because until we have that agreement, I have no guarantee that I’d ever get her back.   However (as I have told him many, many times) until then he is more than welcome to come and visit her, call her, or I’d even be willing to meet him somewhere for him to see her. 

As for him not seeing her, you’re absolutely right.  He hasn’t.  In fact, the last time he had her was August 17th, 2012.  When I told him he wouldn’t be taking her again until we have a filed agreement, he quit making contact entirely.  And it’s not like he can’t; all he needs is an escort and he can come by and see her.  I know it, he knows it.  And as soon as we have a custody agreement filed, he can obviously have her as much as it dictates.  But the ball is in his court, and he has yet to let me know what he wants changed or added to the agreement so we can even try to work on it.  I can’t and won’t do his homework for him.

Although, the one time since then that he HAS seen her was because I took her to his apartment on Halloween and banged on his door, begging him to come out and hug his daughter on Halloween.  Seriously, if I took her to him, how on earth am I “keeping her from him”??

I’m also quite tired of hearing how his mother and my biological mother “never get pictures” of K.  1^st of all, I don’t talk to my biological mother, but she is the one who deleted me from Facebook, not the other way around.  So the fact that she never sees pictures would be her own fault.  But 2^nd of all, there’s a reason I haven’t deleted X’s mother or X from Facebook: so they can see any pictures or videos I add of my daughter!  But if you’d like to keep complaining, I can certainly make sure it’s true.  After all, I’m not overly thrilled to have people who conspired to call CPS and are STILL trying to gather “evidence” against me (good luck; refer to one of my previous posts, in which I have the closing letter from CPS’s investigation posted for the whole world to see) having full access to my Facebook page.  So if you’d like to continue seeing the picture you do see, quit trying to tell everyone else that you “never” see any.  I’d be more than willing to make that true. (Afternote, so I guess X's mother deleted and blocked me from Facebook, too.  A recent change, b/c I remember seeing her w/in the past week.  But either way, that was *her* doing, not mine).

Oh, and to those previously mentioned, don’t try to feed me any BS about me being ‘paranoid’.  I have heard from MULTPLE sources the things people (namely X, X’s mother, and my own mother) have been doing in attempt to take my child from me.  So excuse me if I err on the side of caution when it comes to my daughter’s wellbeing.  I am not willing to lose my precious daughter, and I’m sure as hell not going to let anyone else take her from me out of spite.

For those who would ask me if not allowing X to take our daughter is really in her best interest, let me ask you this: If you knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that your ex and those influencing him/her were trying to take your CHILD from you, and were apparently willing to stop at little to nothing in doing so, would YOU risk letting him/her take your precious child out of your sight for even a MINUTE, especially when, in doing so, they could LEGALLY remove the child from the STATE and not tell you where that child was?? If you’d be brave enough to risk it, then good for you.  I, however, am not.

As long as I'm living, my mommy you'll be.... :'-(

Lately I really miss my mother... :-(  We’d gone for so long without talking when I was a kid, and I was so excited to have her back!  Now I’ve lost her all over again… She said, a lot, that she wished that we had a better relationship, and I couldn’t figure out what she meant.  Now I understand…

She’s said a lot of hurtful, untrue things about me, that I usually just laugh off (b/c let’s face it, a lot of it is really funny!).  But today I’m not laughing.  Today I’m crying because I can’t stop thinking of a promise she made me… And broke.  Well, promises, really.

She promised me once she’d never disown me.  She said I was her baby and she’s love me no matter what.  Now, in her own words, I’m dead to her.  She told me once that, after everything she’s ever done, she could and would never judge me.  That there wasn’t a thing I could say to her that would shock or offend her, or make her stop talking to me (this was said in response to one of our many conversations in which I told her I was nervous to tell her something b/c I thought she’d stop talking to me).  And yet, it wasn’t even something *I* said but something a *friend* of mine said to her on facebook while I wasn’t even online that made her block me from facebook. 

Yes, I told her I don’t want anything to do with her after that, but that was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.  She tried to take my baby!  She says I’m crazy, but literally all of the evidence points to it, including the phone call she made to a female friend of mine, J, as well as the voice messages she and my sister, B, both left on her phone.  As much as I love and miss my mother, I cannot – I will not – let her do anything to endanger my child. 

And why?? Because I upset her? Because I’m getting a divorce?? Because I finally took a stand and made up my own mind about something?  I know it can’t be because I don’t take care of her, because every pediatrician I’ve been to, every developmental researcher who’s assessed her, all say she’s perfectly healthy and happy, and that I’m a *good* mother.  So my question is, how have I suddenly become such a horrible person?? I still know, love, and fear God.  I still want to do His will (honestly, more now than ever before!), though I do still have my shortcomings.  I still try to take other people’s feelings and well-being into consideration when making decisions.  I still pay my taxes, I still abide by the law.  I, as a person, have not changed! I am not perfect, but I have never been perfect! But just because I wear tank-tops now, just because I am finally happy with someone I want to be with, doesn’t make me less of a person in God’s eyes.  …So why does it in hers?

I keep dreaming that she calls and apologizes, or that we have something that resembles a relationship again.  In one dream she even drove all the way up to my house to apologize to me.  Although I’ll never be able to fully trust her again, and although it would be a rocky road to have a relationship again, I’ve already forgiven her.  It just hurts now when I hear about the things that she says about me.  I don’t *want* to keep Keira from her.  I don’t *want* to not talk to her.  I certainly don’t want a relationship that is completely on *my* terms.  But I also will *not* let her take from me the greatest blessing God has ever seen fit to give me.  Maybe one day my dreams will come true, and we’ll be able to talk again, on some level.   Maybe someday… for now I’ll just hang on to hope that there *is* still hope…. And try not to let it get to me too much.

http://www.rogerknapp.com/inspire/loveforever.htm

J

So I usually try to avoid talking too much about my boyfriend, J, for a couple of reasons.  First is that I know I can get extremely mushy, and I don't want to gross anybody out! Lol.  Second, I don't want to offend X, should he ever read my blog.  And third, I just don't want to deal w/the bull shit that I know would come from certain people.  But today... today I just can't contain myself.

I am SO IN LOVE w/this man!! I haven't even seen him today, yet I can't stop thinking about him! That's not always the case, but today it definitely is. :-) I woke up thinking about him, I keep accidentally reminding myself of him, and now I simply can't WAIT til tomorrow when I'll get to see him again. :-)

Everything about him makes me happy. :-) Even when I get irritated w/him, he still manages to make me smile, and I love it.  He makes me forget my past, helps me live in the present, and is a constant reminder that - while planning is always good - the future is a mystery and I shouldn't attempt to live in it.

I love all of his little quirks.  Like how he has a habit of looking just over my right shoulder when he talks to me, instead of directly at me, and he doesn't even realize he does it.  Or how I SWEAR he is part dog, since he's got crazy good eyesight, hearing, and sense of smell (not to mention he's the ONLY one the fleas in the yard like to attack! Lol).

I love how he challenges me.  If he doesn't outright challenge me to do/learn something, just his attitude and perspective makes me want to learn more.  :-) And his knowledge of the gospel and of Christ astounds me! I love having spiritual conversations w/him... They are always so meaningful to me. ^.^

I love that he has GOALS in life! Goals that he's reaching for and planning for and doing what is necessary to achieve.  He wants to be an actor, and I think he'll be great at it! But he wants to make sure that, if that career path doesn't work out, he has something to fall back on, so he's getting his ducks all in a row before going to school for acting.  I think the fact that he is making his dream a reality, especially since it's in a logical way, is incredibly sexy.

I love that we don't always agree on everything.  I love that we have little arguments here and there.  I love that we can get a little irritated at each other, but then make up in a timely manner and move on.  I love that we don't let those little arguments turn into huge blowouts, but I also love that we *have* those disagreements, that it isn't completely neutral.

I love the way that he loves me.  He gives me the best of him, and I try to give him the best of me.  He does little things for me, like buy me Magic cards or make me a deck, or take out the trash and do the dishes if I'm busy or otherwise preoccupied.  I love that he rinses off his dishes if I'm feeding K, or feeds K if I clear the table and rinse the dishes.

I love that we DO things! I love that he loves to go for walks w/me, and that we take K and the puppy.  I love that we try to find something fun, some sort of activity, to do when we're bored.  I love when we have down time, but I also LOVE *doing* things w/him!  I ESPECIALLY love when he involves K.  :-)

I love that he's considerate of K's needs.  When planning activities, he keeps in mind her nap times, bed time, and feeding schedule, and I LOVE it.  It lets me know that he's invested in her, too, not just in me. :-)

I love the way he remembers the things I like.  I told him once I love it when he touches the back of my neck when he kisses me, so now he does it quite often and I get a thrill each time!  I told him how I HATE taking out the trash, so now whenever he sees me about to do it he stops me and does it himself. :-)  I told him that I really dislike playing black decks in the game of Magic, so he took back a deck he was going to give me (I felt bad about that, but it was still sweet!)  He knows that I like when he calls me baby at certain times, so he does it.  The list is endless! But he remembers, and I love that.

I love that I can make him laugh.  I LOVE his laugh.  And I love that he can make *me* laugh.  Not just a giggle, but full out laugh to the point I think I'll pass out from lack of oxygen!

I love that he sacrifices things for me.  For example, he was supposed to have a 'me' day yesterday, but instead he drove an hour round trip w/me to pick up a new couch and recliner. :-)  It was incredibly sweet of him.  I try to sacrifice for him, too, but truth be told I think he does more for me.

I love the feeling I get every time I think of him.... it's like my heart is complete.  I can't think of anything I've ever felt - besides the love I have for my daughter - that could ever come close in comparison.

J, if you ever read this, I am so in love with you!!!

Dreams...

I have phases.  I think we all do.  Some days I feel incredibly awful for hurting X the way I did, for disappointing so many people... in fact, some days I feel so horrible that I doubt my leaving him.  I feel so bad for hurting him in the first place that I feel like the only way I can possibly make it right is to go back, however unhappy I may be.

Other days - well, most days, actually - I feel so good, SO happy, that I feel I could nearly burst w/joy.  Those days I cannot get over just how blessed my life is, and how happy I am w/J.  Luckily most of my time is spent feeling this way. :-)

Well, I've obviously done a lot of soul searching.  I obviously stand by my decision to leave; I feel like it was the best thing for me and even for my daughter (she was very much aware of mommy's distress, and I could tell that it effected her, too).  But the other night I had a dream that just seemed to solidify things for me...


I dreamed that I was getting married.  I never discussed the groom’s name, nor did I even see him, but I knew he was getting married and I was on my way to the wedding.  However, it seemed that so many people were determined to stop me!  My mother, C, and my sister, B, showed up and tried to kidnap me (or something; I don’t quite remember), people kept giving me the wrong directions, and a band of evil robots (yes, robots haha) even tried to stop me.  And yet, even as the odds piled against me, something marvelous would happen to help me win.  For example, there was some sort of weird storm that stopped my mother and sister from kidnapping me.  A bunch of good robots came and helped me fight the bad ones.  Birds (yes, birds) ended up giving me the RIGHT directions to the chapel I was getting married in.  Quite odd, I know, but rather amusing.

Finally I made it to the town the wedding was going to be held in.  The chapel was several blocks up the street and so I ran as quickly as I could, and while I ran, the same birds who gave me good directions swooped all around me and by the time they were done they had replaced my clothes w/a beautiful gown (unfortunately, the gown was pink, so they had to do it again so it was white, but I was still very impressed that they could do it at all, considering I was running at top speed).  I finally burst through the doors (suddenly I was a princess, though how I knew that I couldn’t tell you) and everyone cheered at the sight of me.  It was all very cool.

Then I saw my groom.  He was standing at the end of the aisle, smiling at me.  It was J.  :-3 Just seeing him, I was SO excited.  Joy filled me, and I wanted so badly to run down to him and throw myself into his arms.  But I had to wait for the wedding to proceed as expected, so I shifted from foot to foot impatiently as it progressed.  The bridesmaids (my sisters, and a bunch of other little girls I’d never seen, w/K as the Maid of Honor) came out, the ring bearer, the flower girl, the groomsmen (J’s mother had to ask me who was supposed to be the Best Man, and when I said “I think it’s Anthony, but I’m not sure what he looks like” she said she’d find him), everyone.  The there was some sort of musical  number that was really cool, and finally it was my turn!

I did my best not to run down the aisle, but I was SO excited and SO happy to pledge my life to this man… I finally got down to him, and he took my hand and smiled.  I smiled back, then looked at the preacher, but when I looked back…. Something was different.  Something about J had changed, but for the life of me I could NOT figure out what!  He looked different, he acted different, but I just could not pin-point it.  All I knew, was suddenly things were NOT right, and I was now not only nervous and anxious, I was downright terrified.

The preacher got to the part where the groom was supposed to repeat after him (I do solemnly swear to take this woman as my wife, etc etc etc), and as each word passed his lips I became more and more upset, to the point that I felt I would be sick.  Finally it was my turn, and I froze… I could NOT force myself to say it!  Trembling, I stammered, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong w/me.  I don’t know why, but I’m suddenly so nervous…”  The Groom answered, “It’s okay, just calm down babe.”  I leaned against his chest (just as I always lean against J’s chest when I’m upset) and he put one arm around me…

For some reason, that pushed me over the edge.  If there was any doubt that I couldn’t do this before, it was gone now.  I let go of his hand, backed away, and – apologizing – ran out.  No sooner had the doors opened to the outside world did it finally click what had ‘changed’ when I looked to the preacher then back at J….

J had turned into X.

Up until that point, when the groom was J, I had been SO happy and excited, and not the slightest bit nervous or apprehensive.  But when I looked away from him and he became X (even though my brain for some reason would not comprehend it), I was suddenly scared and insecure and nervous…  If there was any doubt before that I am happy now and wasn’t (and wouldn’t be now) before w/X, that doubt is gone.

X is a good man.  Always has been, and I pray he always will be.  But he is not for me, nor I for him.  I was not happy, and just like he deserves to be happy, so do I.  I am finally happy.  Even before I met J, I was happy.  I tried to make it work, tried to be happy, but I wasn’t able to.  Now that I have found happiness, I cannot and will not trade that simply because I loathe the thought of hurting anyone.  Sacrifice w/in reason is acceptable and at times even expected, but I won’t let it go too far to avoid wounding some hearts.  I should hope that no one else would, either.

Both Sides

It has come to my attention that my *dear* mother has posted a very interesting post on Facebook accusing me of many things, one of those things being that I don’t give both sides of the story.  Alright, you want both sides? (although I fail to see how I’ve neglected it, but okay) here you go.  I’m reposting the post word-for-word, but I’ve added my own little commentary.  But before I start, I just have to say thank you! I literally got a good 20 minute laugh reading all of this.  It’s far too amusing for me to find offensive. J (My comments will be bold and in parenthesis J)

Written by my mother, Cheryl Smith:

So....I have pretty much withdrawn from the world wide web because I am sick of all the BS that is apparently floating around about me due to my eldest daughter, Amber, and all the crap she is apparently spreading. I was recently informed by someone who has access to her page that she is saying a lot of really nasty things about me and I have absolutely *NO* way to defend myself, my name or get any say in whatever it is she is saying about me.  (Hahaha wow really?? WHEN do I talk about you? EVER?? In fact, I haven't mentioned you in a post for MONTHS [I just checked] Except to say I’m hurt because of something YOU did. Like, oh I don’t know, making a HUGE fuss about me then saying something along the lines of “so much for a good birthday; I’m crying my eyes out” when it was MY birthday?? Wow…) I am told she has a pretty captive audience and that if she had any ratings, like a TV audience, she'd be off the charts with the way people respond and show support. (It’s very true that my true friends have made themselves known, but they’re also very good – thankfully so – at telling me when they think I’m wrong, and I try my best to listen) I have no voice, yet she's got a captive audience....how does this work exactly?? Like father like daughter, right? (Leave my father out of this.  Your qualm is with me.)

Then I got to thinking...I have this little box right here and I am going to type into it. I have a voice and I'm going to use it right now.......and then.......that's all I'm going to say on the matter. Take what you will from it, believe what you want and then, if you're on my friends list, delete me for all I care. Really- I don't. But pick a side already and quit this neutrality bullshit. (Yes, I cuss. Get over it.)  (Honestly, WHY does anyone need to pick a side?? If someone was a friend to Alex and I before the split, why on EARTH can’t they support both of us?? I don’t think anyone should pick me over Alex.  In fact, I hope they DON’T, because he needs support too!  It saddens me that my own mother decided she had to pick sides, but I hope that my friends don’t feel like they have to) (Oh, and so you can cuss and do whatever else and heaven forbid anyone judge you, yet YOU get to judge ME?? Nice.  When I get to be your age, do I get that privilege too??)

I've been told that Amber uses "Jesus" as her forum....that she uses the name of God to spew her venom of hate, hypocrisy and lies about me and Alex. Question: How many WARS have been started under the same umbrella, exactly?? Does anyone else see the problem with forgiving but not forgetting? Does anyone else see the problem with using Christianity as a scape goat for doing whatever we want? "It's ok if I sleep around, Jesus loves me for who I am." If I'm not mistaken, Jesus doesn't excuse sin....he can't, actually. (First off, I think it is utterly and completely WRONG for ANYONE to use Christ’s name to spew anything that isn’t Godly.  If I have done so, please point out examples and I will do my very best to alter my behavior.  Second, if and when I invoke God’s name it is to either a, praise Him, b, explain how H'es helped me realize some shortcoming of my own, or c, tell of the most recent way He has taught me something.  Third, you’re right, Jesus doesn’t excuse sin.  But He *does* forgive it.  I’m not saying that gives us a ‘do whatever you want and get out of jail free’ card, but it does give those of us who aren’t perfect some hope when it comes to whether or not we’ll be able to make it home to Him.)

How about lying? Does God justify lying? The person I recently spoke to said she mentioned trying to protect Keira and that's the excuse she is using ONLINE to justify Alex not seeing Keira yet she has told Alex that if he does not give her COMPLETE custody of Keira HE IS NOT ALLOWED ANY FURTHER CONTACT WITH HIS OWN CHILD.  Sound familiar?? I'm curious....isn't that illegal? And how exactly is she protecting Keira? How exactly is that justifiable? Wouldn't she need to procure a restraining order? Why yes...yes she would. I'm Keira's grandma, don't you think if *I* believed Alex were a danger *I* would be the FIRST to be on this bandwagon?? Doesn't anyone ELSE think this is a load of CONTROL ISSUES GONE AWRY?? (Bull shit.  Flat out bull shit.  He *is* allowed contact with our daughter.  I have told him that he is welcome to visit with her here any time he wants.  He simply will not be taking her with him again until we have a signed and filed separation and custody agreement, to protect myself, Keira, *and* Alex believe it or not.  As for illegal, you wish.  Until we have that separation agreement, I am under NO legal obligation to even let him see her at all, and yet I am if he chooses to come to the door for a visit.  I have very valid reasons why I am doing what I’m doing, and if anyone wants to ask me I will tell them.  I will not, however, say exactly what my reasons are on the web, simply because I don’t want to sully his name.)

OK, so....I supposedly gossip about Amber and say ugly things about her. Question number 1)When....EVER...aside from the ONE AND ONLY TIME...ON ALEX'S FACEBOOK PAGE...HAVE I EVER DONE THIS??? When has ANYONE heard/seen me talk about Amber on my OWN Facebook page? Please, by ALL means...TELL ME....when have you seen me gossip about AMBER?? (Was that one time not enough?? Were all of the LIES you told about me on Alex’s page not enough??? Though yes, there have been plenty more times.  Like, say, all the ‘fun’ times you’ve commented on my blog.) 2) Who would I gossip *to* about Amber? NO ONE IN MY WARD (church) GIVES A DAMN ABOUT AMBER EIDEM. NO ONE. No one gives a RATS ASS (literally) about the BULLSHIT that child has done to ANYONE. Amber's life does NOT revolve around ANY of us so why would it be a topic of EMBARRASSINGconversation??? And as far as gossiping to any of Amber's family....the ONLY people I have spoken to about what Amber has done was her Aunt Jill when this whole thing first happened to WARN her that I WORRIED Amanda may get HURT with all the LIES Amber was telling....because NO ONE knew what was TRUTH and what was NOT (Hahahaha, your version of the truth is GREATLY skewed.  Like for example, no, I don’t go out and party.  In fact, I believe the last party – besides church events – I’ve ever been to was a supervised Halloween party when I was 14.  And no, I didn’t ‘confide’ in you that I’d ‘been drinking’.  I didn’t ‘confide’ in you at all [Though if I did *confide* in you, like you'd said, you did a GREAT job being a confidant].  I *told* you that I’d had *a* sip of *a* drink.  Just like I’m *telling* you now that I have since had a grand total of 3 drinks, each of which I had *after* my 21^st birthday, and Keira was NOWHERE near me, and even if she were, what business is it of yours??  I’m nowhere near an alcoholic, I have no desire whatsoever to go out and get drunk, do drugs, or anything else, so what exactly is the problem here??). I haven't spoken with Jill SINCE THEN. And I have JUST RECENTLY (as of Sunday) spoken to Christa for the FIRST TIME since her visit out here in June! And even then I made it VERY clear that I **WILL NOT** discuss AMBER with ANYONE unless they WANT to get their FACES RIPPED OFF. (So what’s this, then?)

Have I spoken the truth? You bet! Have I told it like it is?! I always do! (No, you definitely don’t.  But thanks for playin’.) Would I say it to your face? If opportunity presents itself, I'll gladly tell you what's up! But gossip?? Never. Spew lies?? About what?? The truth WILDER than fiction!!

The rule in the house is that Amber's name is NOT to be uttered. AMBER IS DEAD. Period. We don't speak her name. There are no pictures of her on my wall. She does not exist.

So how am I going to talk about someone that is dead to me? WHY would I talk about someone who is dead to me??    (Okay, so if I’m so dead, any on EARTH did you bother writing this?? Or better yet, why on EARTH do you take the time to look up my blog and post ‘anonymously’? Or keep tabs on what I am doing?  Or – and this is my favorite – get into my email account and start deleting everything in the account?? And yes, I know it was you, because the IP address of the ‘other logged in party’ was in ALABAMA.  That’s a pretty weird obsession with someone who’s dead.  In fact, I think they have a word for it: necrophilia.)

Amber took away my granddaughter because she ASSUMED...because she was CONSUMED with GUILT...that I was "out to get her".... I didn't need a confession from you STUPID! YOU ALREADY TOLD ME YOU CHEATED ON ALEX!! Why would I NEED you to CONFESS!! I just wanted to Understand WHY! I wanted to know what *I* could've done to PREVENT IT! What could *I* have done to have been THERE FOR YOU! What could *I* have done to be a BETTER PARENT! What could *I* have done to be a better FRIEND?! But NOOoooooooo you want to be a CUNT and take my grandchild away from me??? (Your exact question [And I quote] was “Did you really commit adultery, and was it because of my own example as a mother?”  Harmless enough, right?  Well, I thought so too at first.  But I called Alex that night and asked him if he’d heard from you lately, at all, or if he had any idea why you might be asking that question since – as you said  - I had already TOLD you I hadn’t been faithful [again, not that that’s any of your business], so *why* would you be asking "did you" instead of "why did"?? His answer was no, and yet funnily enough, the phone records show that he had been on the phone w/you for a good hour up until I called, and then for another good long while *after* he and I hung up!  He later told me that yes, you had been asking about my affair.  And on top of that, he had forwarded you an email from my personal email account between me and the man I had – regrettably – been unfaithful with the DAY before you emailed me.  That’s a pretty funky coincidence, don’t you think??)

That's cool. Talk shit.......

At least now you and your little Maury lovin' friends know where I stand......... (I think everyone knew where you stood when you called me a whore on Facebook.)

Oh and.....some of you might wanna be careful. I always keep the email's you send me and I'm dangerous when I've been provoked.......

That goes for you too, Camron. (Okay, so first you say you want people to take sides, right? Well, thanks for making it *perfectly* clear that if it’s not *your* side you’re going to try to make their lives a living Hell.  Well guess what, I’m not scared of someone who’s obviously so backed into a corner that they’re threatening blackmail to anyone who dares take my side. )

Now, as I said.....this is all I'm going to say on the matter. I'm not about to trying and explain or justify myself to a group of pathetic 20-something year olds who see **ONLY ONE** side of a story and think they have **ALL** the answers. You see what AMBER WANTS you to see and NOTHING MORE. You have YET to see ALEX's side because he's QUIET and he keeps to himself. There is AN ENORMOUS amount he doesn't share because frankly it's between HIM AND AMBER and he doesn't figure it's any of your damn business.  It wasn't BEFORE he got married and IT'S NOT NOW. (Maybe Alex himself hasn’t spread many, MANY things that were private between us, but he told *someone* who did.  So if that *someone* was you, Good job in ruining his reputation for keeping things private.  It’s not just me who thinks he can’t keep his mouth shut anymore.)  Keira IS bathed when she comes over and she DOES have clean clothes when she's with him.  (I’m sorry, were you there when I asked him “Did she have a bath this weekend?” and he answered with a resounding “no”? Or how about when he’d return her to me in the *same* clothes I’d documented her leaving in and they were filthy?  If you were there, that’s just plain creepy, but you’d clearly see that that is not always the case.  Do I think he’s a bad father? No.  But the bath and clothes thing was *very* true.  Granted, he’s done much better lately, and I’ve made sure to say so when people ask.) Amber didn't think he was dangerous BEFORE she was having afairs...How is he so dangerous ALL OF A SUDDEN??  Doesn't anybody else think it's nuts that she's got an answer for EVERYTHING she does that **YOU** wouldn't tolerate YOUR ex doing to YOU if it were YOUR kid?? (The only ones supporting me know why I’ve done the things I’ve done.  And again, they’re still good enough friends to tell me when they think I’ve crossed a line.)Yet Damn near every one of YOU are supporting HER?? How funny that Alex who WAS the night in shining armour is suddenly the BAD guy....he sure wasn't 6 months ago....a year ago....two years ago. (I don’t think Alex is – or ever was – a ‘bad guy’.  I think he’s a good man in a tight spot, and that he’s hurt and angry.  JUSTIFIABLY SO! I take full responsibility for that.  I do, however, think that he’s done some very wrong things, things that aren’t excused simply because  he’s hurting and angry.  However, I think that all-in-all, he’s better than that, and when his head clears he too will realize it.)

You fickle people absolutely amaze me. You remind me of the ones that screamed "CRUCIFY HIM!!!!" When Pilate Asked, "Him Or Barnabaus?"......Funny.....just prior to that they loved him. (And what does that say for you, mother?  Just before you found out about the split, you loved me.  Just before you found out I left the Mormon church, you at least tolerated me.  But suddenly I was a horrible human being.  And I’m talking about things FAR before your email and my response to it.  How are YOU any different?  Your logic astounds me.)

Hang in there Alex....I love ya, hon.

(Yes, Alex, hang in there.  I mean that w/no sarcasm.  I know things are hard, I know that you’re hurt and angry and it is completely my fault, and I am sorry.  But hang in there.  Please, I am begging you, stop lying to me and doing the things you are doing.  Work with me, like we had promised each other when this whole mess started.  What happened to keeping this between you and me as much as possible??  What happened to ‘I’d never take Keira away from her mother’?? You’re better than this, Alex.  We both know you are.  I still want to work with you.  I still want to share custody – though not 50/50 anymore, I’m sorry – but I do want to share custody, because you and K BOTH deserve to have a relationship with each other.  And regardless of whether you and I can ever be civil again, I’m not going to offer you any less than 1/3 the year, just like I told you in that voicemail. Please remember who you are and quit doing what everyone ELSE is telling you to do.  Start doing what you know to be right.

As for you, mother? Just stop.  The only one you're embarrassing is yourself.  The lies you've spread about me are now just getting to be amusing, so just quit.  And keep your qualms w/me.  I think it's just plain sad that a grown woman is resorting to involving OTHER people to get at the person she's pissed off at.  Well guess what, you can blackmail and threaten and spread nasty notes all day long.  You don't scare me.  You don't even intimidate me.  YOU told me grow a backbone.  Guess I just wasn't supposed to use it to stand up to you, huh?   Funny, isn't that the qualm you had w/YOUR dad once upon a time?)

Done

Alright, I'm so tired of being the 'bad guy' over this whole divorce.  It's gotten around quite quickly that I did not let X take K this weekend.  This is true.  But remember, THERE ARE TWO SIDES!!! Most of you have made it quite clear who my real friends are, and I appreciate that, but to anyone who has not, to anyone who wants to know what is going on and WHY, by all means, come and ask. I won't publicly post all of the reasons K did NOT go w/her father today, will not publicly humiliate him the way he has me (and the way I so DESPERATELY want to) but if anyone wants to know the real reasons, if anyone has the guts to ask me, by all means; ask away.  I've kept my mouth shut for MONTHS over the many things he's done in order to help him save face.  I'm done.  I may not be willing to stoop so low as to let it be plastered on my blog, or on my facebook wall, but there's nothing stopping me from sending it in an email to those who want to know. On, and to Derrick, I completely agree w/your comment about people SHOULDN'T treat each other that way; I've been TRYING to tell him that since we split up, and there are reasons I finally put my foot down.

Happiness

Pure, unadulterated happiness.  That's what I felt tonight.  I was at rehearsal (oh, by the way, I tried out for a musical and made it.  I'm very excited, especially since I have a duet, as well as a few solo lines. :-)) and I was watching J play w/K from across the room.  He was helping her keep her balance as she walked around, and was always right there to catch her if she fell.  Several times he lifted her up and gave her plenty of kisses.  The whole thing was very sweet, and it absolutely melted my heart.  Just looking at them, I felt pure joy.

I am so happy with my life.  I get to spend every day (well, almost) with my gorgeous daughter, I have a full-time babysitting job which I get to bring K to (and I'm making almost as much as I would working a full time job and paying child care; in fact, I'm only making about $20 less a month than I would be), I am in a musical that I am REALLY enjoying, and I have a wonderful boyfriend who I am absolutely in love with.

To top it all off, I feel my Savior's love for me every day.  Despite my absolute imperfection and in spite of everything I've done, despite all of the mistakes I've made, make daily, and will yet make, I feel His love and for the first time in my life I don't feel like I'm not good enough: I simply accept that I'll never be good enough (none of us will!) and thank Him daily for His unconditional love and acceptance, and strive to make Him as proud as I can.

Six months ago I never would have dreamed I could be this happy.  Six months ago I was still struggling with choices, decisions, religions, family troubles... the works.  But today - for the past several months, actually - I can gladly say that I have been so blessed the past several months.  The Lord has turned my trials into experiences of learning and development and growth, and through them has given me many, many blessings. I am SO incredibly grateful to Him.  And so unbelievably happy.

I wish everyone out there the happiness I feel tonight.  I hope each and every one of you can come to understand the amazing, unconditional love our Savior, Jesus Christ, has for you.  No matter what's going on in your life, what has been done to you, what has been done by you, any family troubles or friend troubles you may have had or be having... it doesn't matter.  He loves you, and it is by and through Him alone that you can receive Eternal joy and happiness.  That fact in and of itself gives me such intense joy I can scarcely contain myself.  :-)  And I hope that, if you have not already discovered this for yourself, that you will so that you can feel the same joy I feel. :-)

Well, that's all I have to say.  :-) I think I'll go to bed.  I have a feeling I'll have very good dreams tonight. :-)

For Shame

Today I went in to talk to NCIS about an investigation that has been opened about a certain Cpl of the Marine Corps (S, for those who follow my blog).  What happened in the hour I was there is completely unimportant (though suffice it to say that the case will very shortly – and unceremoniously – be shut); the important part is what I have to say now, to those who got this man involved in the first place:

Shame on you.  All of you.  Your qualm is with me, not him.  Shame on you for retaliating against him when you should be adult enough to keep it in the proper circles, if you’re going to act childish that is.  Why did you do it, I wonder?  Because he stood up to my mother when she was calling me a whore on Facebook?  Because you were trying to corner me somehow?  I guess I’ll never know why, but don’t try to feed me any bullshit about “doing the right thing”, because I’ll know it’s exactly that: bullshit.

S is a good man.  He’s made mistakes, I’ve made mistakes, but who hasn’t??  And besides that, the mistakes that he has made he has dealt with in what he deems the appropriate way.  Even the people who involved him would agree that it was the ‘appropriate’ way of dealing with it, because isn’t talking to your bishop about what happened what you would consider ‘appropriate’ as far as the world of Mormonism goes?  He’s paid his dues, straightened out his life, and fell in love with a wonderful woman and married her, and now together they’re expecting a child.  He loves her with all of his heart, and she him.  To top it off, the majority of his and my communication over the past six months or more has been about the NCIS investigation!

It’s of no consequence, really.  Like I said, the investigation will be closed very soon, and the only thing you’ve done to him is ensure he got a little more pay than he was planning to.  I hope he and his pregnant wife forgive you, as I already have (even if it is still a bit of an annoyance); you’re not worth the space in their heads, nor in mine.

Interesting Findings

Today I was thinning out my collection of documents that I didn't even realize I had anymore, when I came across this.  It was written on March 28th, according to Microsoft Word, which is about 11 days after X moved out.  Even though things are different now and it is certainly over, I thought maybe it would be interesting for people to see what I though about privately to myself in those few weeks after the split:

I am hurting so badly… I don’t know what to do… I love X with all of my heart, but not in the way I should.  Knowing that that hurts him *kills* me.  He is my best friend and I care infinitely for his happiness and wellbeing.  I only ever wanted to make him happy… to the point that I made a vow I knew I never should have made… And now I’m stuck.

Sitting here with my precious baby girl in my arms only makes things that much harder.  I know that X wants to try for her sake, but I just don’t see it that way… I see the resentment that is growing in him because my true feelings are known… I feel the defensiveness at that resentment in my own heart, as well as my own resentment that he is all but forcing certain things on me, trying to make me love him.  And I know the K feels it all.  She sees the growing bitterness… she feels the resentment welling up in her parents, parents who should feel nothing but good feelings about each other, no matter what… X is determined to work through that for her sake, so determined that he grips me tighter and tighter, to the point that all I want to do is let go…  How is that good for our child?

I know my mother thinks I’m a horrible person.  Maybe she’s right.  Maybe I should have never told him how I feel.  Maybe I should have just borne it in silence, prayed it would go away in the next life.  I’m sure some part of X would have preferred it that way… But I didn’t.  I was honest with him… finally.  And now I’m paying for that honesty.  I’m suddenly a horrible person.  I’m selfish and controlling and leaving a path of destruction everywhere I go.  And yet I’m doing nothing differently… I was just – finally – honest.

I’m still praying.  Begging, actually. I sit here holding my beautiful baby girl, listening to EFY music on youtube, and silently crying as I beg God to change me.  I *do* want to change my heart… but I don’t know how, and after four years I’m starting to give up… This is all my fault… I never meant to hurt X… I only meant to make him happy… And I finally went way too far in my good intentions… X, if you ever read this, I am so, *so* sorry…  Please forgive me...

Humility

Humility is certainly a hard pill to swallow. :-/ Unfortunately – or fortunately, maybe? – I got a rather large dose of it this afternoon.

I was venting to a close friend of mine about how frustrated I am seeing X’s Facebook posts about going to the Mormon Temple soon, and saying he’s “almost that same” (or something to that effect) as he was before the split, when I know for a fact the things he’s done and that he is indeed very different than he was before.  It was hard for me to see that, because I felt like it was a personal attack.  But let’s be honest here… it’s not.

As I was talking with this friend I started saying that I really shouldn’t be behaving that way, because I know that X’s posts aren’t a personal attack against me.  She let me know that it’s okay to vent, but then shed some light on the situation which I had been too blinded by indignation to see myself… she said, “I understand, but weren’t you doing something similar by posting your professions of love for X on fb while having an affair w/S?  (Not to be harsh, just to help you cool down.)”

To say I felt humble after that would be a bit of an understatement.  She was very, very right.  I have absolutely no room, whatsoever, to judge X’s actions.  I did what I felt I needed to do because I was ashamed.  He is doing similar – if not the exact same – things.  So who am I to declare – even in my own head – that he is wrong for doing so when I did the same thing myself??  Humble pie isn’t always the most delightful thing, but sometimes it is exactly what we need.

To say I’m ashamed of how I felt about X’s posts does my thoughts and feelings no justice.  I feel very small, actually, knowing that he is hurting and I am very much the cause of that pain, and yet I was judging him and the words he said outwardly to others (not even to me!).  If that is what he feels he must do, then good for him.  I wish him the best.  And I pray that, if I start getting too “big for my britches” about such things again, that the Lord will again send me such a great friend as he did today to help me see things in a clearer light.

Baby Sign Language

To be perfectly honest, I'm adding these for the benefit of those who I don't correspond with.  I'm very proud of my precious girl. :-) She's so smart!! Below are videos of her saying different words we practice (and use) daily in sign language. This one is "food".

"Milk"

"Blow Kisses"

"Fold Your Arms" and "Yay"

"Thank You"

"Cereal"

"Please"

Once Upon A Time...

Once upon a time there was a couple.  That couple had their problems.  In fact, one of the problems was so big that the couple eventually split up.  But before that, the couple were friends.

They were such good friends, in fact, that they promised each other that, no matter what, they would always be friends.  They promised that even if they broke up, that they'd always be nice to each other and try to be friends.  They owed that to each other, they said.

The couple had a baby, and when that baby was born they made another promise that they would never, ever, take the baby away from the other person.  They said that that baby deserved to be with both parents, not just one or the other.

Well, time passed, and the couple did break up.  It was very sad, and very hard for both of them.  At first they tried to keep their promises.  They were nice to each other, and even though they argued more than they had in the past.  Then things started to go bad.

She had done some very bad things, and had hurt him very badly.  He was angry and hurt - understandably so - and even though at first he tried to be nice, eventually that anger and hurt festered and he began to do and say things that were very mean and heartless.  Even though he had every right to be angry and hurt, the way he started to handle it was very wrong.

She tried to be understanding.  Of course she had her flaws, and obviously she had her selfish moments, but more than anything she tried to make sure he knew she was trying to make things as easy for him as possible.  She often asked, "You know I'm trying to help, right?" or said, "I don't want to make you feel like I'm taking advantage of you.  Do you feel that way?" and he would always tell her that yes, he knew she was trying to help, and no, he didn't feel taken advantage of.  On the few occasions he did, she tried to fix it.  Not everything could be fixed, of course, but she did try.

Above all else, she was concerned about their child.  She told him again and again and again that they could put on paper that he had her 51% of the time so that he could stay in his apartment and keep his BAH, as long as he didn't try to take the baby from her.  She knew that it was in the baby's best interest to have both parents.  She had a very bad feeling, though, and constantly asked him if he was going to try to take their daughter away.  He told her no, and she tried to trust him.  After all, he had promised, hadn't he?

Then one day he gave her permission to use his computer.  While she was on, she checked her email and Facebook, but he was already logged in. She found an email between him and his cousin.  In the email he had said that he was trying to gather 'evidence' to make sure that he had full custody of the child.  In another email to someone else he said very similar things.  She was devastated.  She copied and pasted the email, just to be safe, and sent it to herself.  She also found several other emails, proving he was doing very illegal things.  She was shocked at that, because he had always been the type to outwardly protest those sorts of things.  She copied and pasted those, too.

She asked him several times after that if he was trying to take their baby away from her.  She literally prayed that he would come clean and be honest with her, that maybe they could talk things out, and keep the promises they had made: to be friends and to never take their baby away from the other person.  But he continued to lie to her, and that made her very sad.

She was cornered; she couldn't let him take their baby, and he had been doing and saying some very mean and wrong things to her, and she couldn't let him do that anymore.  So she did what she had to do.  She almost backed out several times, but she knew it needed to be done.

Because of what she did he was told he had to move out of his apartment.  He was also told that he wouldn't be allowed to have their baby except for every other weekend.  It broke her heart and she cried when she did it, because their baby deserved to be with him, too, not just her.  It also made her very sad because they had promised....

After that he became very, very mean.  Even meaner than he had been before.  He started saying hurtful things, and talking to her in very inappropriate ways, even in front of their daughter.  When she asked him to stop, he'd simply say, "What's wrong with it?" or just ignore her.

She was very sad because of this.  Things had gone so badly, and it broke her heart.  She knew that divorce was a hard thing, but why couldn't they just be friends, like they had promised?  Why couldn't they at least be civil, for their baby's sake?  And, most of all, why couldn't their baby be with both of them?  Why did he force her hand into ensuring the child was only with her?  That wasn't fair to the baby.

The funny thing was, even though he had been very, very mean to her, and even though he had been trying to take their child away from her, she was still willing to keep those promises.  She was still willing to try to be friends, and to let him have the baby 50% of the time.  Not 51% on paper, not anymore, but still 50%.  If he would just keep his promises, and not try to take the baby away anymore, she would happily share the baby 50% of the time, because even though she loved having the baby 90% of the time, she knew it was best for the baby to have equal time with both parents.

Maybe one day she and he can be friends, or at least be civil to each other.  Maybe someday the baby can be with both parents, for equal lengths of time.  One can only pray.

The End.

Love

So remember how I blogged not too long ago about how I know I'm in love with J, but sadly I haven't been able to tell him because of his 'guidelines'?  Well... :-3

Okay, so the day I got back from my visit to see my family (which was AWESOME, by the way :) I spent a lot of time with my family, including my soul sister, C, and w/some amazing friends, and I got my tattoo!!) I was SOOO excited to see J!  Due to some rather odd circumstances - which turned out to be very funny, actually - I was home for several hours before he came over.  But when he did, I was THRILLED to see him!  He brought with him a present for me for my birthday: 3 boxes of puzzles, a very yummy-smelling candle, and a card which absolutely melted my heart :-3  It said, "I am forever blessed by having you in my life.  I can't even begin to tell you how happy you make me feel.  So my wish for you on your birthday is that God blesses you tenfold for the blessings you gave me."  Talk about sweet!

After that we hung out, talked, watched some Castle (a hilariously captivating TV series) and just spent time together.  At one point I was looking at him, and the urge to blurt out "I love you!" was suddenly almost overwhelming...

I didn't, though.  Instead I said, "I have to tell you something, and I just need you to listen for a minute."  He agreed, and so I began.  At first I was kind of going on and on, and I didn't make much sense even to myself.  I said that I needed to tell him something, even if it meant that he didn't say it back, because if anything happened and I hadn't told him I'd regret it for the rest of my life.  Finally I said it... those three words I'd been dying to say for nearly two months now...  "I love you."

I kissed him then, and as soon as the kiss ended he said, "I love you, too."  I could've died of happiness.  I'm not sure exactly what I said after that, but I was so happy!  I do remember asking him if he meant it (I probably just said, "Really?") and he answered affirmatively.  I was amazed.  It was one of the happiest moments of my life, second only to the moment my sweet angel of a daughter came into this world.  :-)

We talked for a while after that, and come to find out, he has wanted to say it just as long as I have!  Apparently he was going to several times because he thought I was going to, but when I didn't he never did.  That totally surprised me because of his guidelines.  He also told me that he was surprised at how soon he realized he loved me (we'd only been dating 2 months at that point, after all), but that it felt right, and that's what mattered to him.  That made me very happy, too.  :-)

The best part, to me, is that J truly loves K, too.  He acknowledges and completely accepts that he is not her father, and that I will not let her call him 'Daddy' until she is old enough to decide for herself and knows what that word means (at that point the decision is hers alone to make, whether she will or won't).  But even knowing that, he loves her very much and already thinks of things in her future.  To me that is the very best part.

I am so happy, and I am so blessed.  Even though I've done many stupid things in my life, the Lord loves me, and He has blessed me with a second chance with a man that I truly love.  My heart breaks for X, it really does, because I know that I've hurt him, but I am so happy with J and I cannot give that up.  I will not.  I am so grateful to God for all of my blessings.  :-) I only hope I can continue to do whatever it was that I did to deserve them.

Change of Plans

Today on my way to church, I have a conversation with God.  It was mostly one-sided (I mostly talk and He mostly listens) but it was still a conversation.  In that conversation I vented to Him about how unfair I felt it was that my mother is spreading some very harmful, hurtful lies about me.  I told Him I didn’t think it was fair that my dirty laundry was being aired out – and magnified into something much greater than it actually is! – while X’s remains safely hidden away even though I have the power to change that very quickly (and believe me, the actual truth would cause far greater of a stir than the fiction and twisted tales being told about me).  I mean, I told Heavenly Father, there are two sides of ever story, and it hurts that there are so many who instantly believe only X’s and don’t ask for mine.

In the course of this conversation, I realized how incredibly selfish I was being.  I was being angry and vindictive and very self-defensive, and not at all humble.  The problem was, I didn’t want to be humble.  Not yet.  But I wanted to want to be humble, so I asked God to help me be humbled, and that if He could perhaps give me some sort of message that I could use during the Sunday Sermon, I would be forever grateful.

…The Sermon was on forgiveness.  Not just forgiveness, either, but on the difference between righteous and unrighteous anger, and how important it is to never act out of unrighteous anger.  Unrighteous anger is vengeful and self-defensive and seeks to get back at others and wants revenge.  Righteous anger is angry at sin, but never at the person.  Righteous anger seeks solutions, never revenge.  My anger certainly was not righteous.

I realized in that moment that I needed to make some changes, and I felt humbled and ashamed of my behavior.  I have been seriously wronged, but that does not justify my anger.  God commanded us to forgive ALL men their trespasses against us, just as HE forgave us.  That doesn’t mean we can hold a grudge in some cases as long as we forgive in others, but that we must forgive at ALL times.  I certainly have not been a very brightly shining beacon of that love and forgiveness over the past couple of days.

And so I have this to say: I put out a warning on Facebook that if the lies didn’t stop I would unveil the truth about X (no, mother, it was never about you).  Well, I’m rescinding that warning.  The evidence I have would completely ruin X’s reputation among his friends and family, and although that would more than make up for the hurt I have felt, I have no right to do that to him.  Just as he and those who aided him had no right to do that to me.  Two wrongs will never make a right, and I know that by doing so I would be upsetting my Father in Heaven.  I never want to do that. 

Suffice it to say, the reason I have K is a very, very good one, and the fact that X has to move back to the barracks is actually not my call at all, but legally he is supposed to.  If you do not know the details, please don’t ask.  Feel free to ask him, but I won’t ruin his image by telling you myself.  

I am honestly kind of grateful.  Over the past few months my true friends have made themselves known.  They are those who don’t immediately believe horrible things about me, but ask me my side of the story.  They are those who don’t judge me but are willing to tell me they love me and are here for me.  Sometimes it may take them a while (we’re human and sometimes human emotions take over) but they have made themselves known.  So the lies that have been posted about me the past couple days have really only strengthened my confidence in my true friends, because each and every one of them who saw the posts concerning me have contacted me to let me know they don’t believe a word, ask me the real truth (which I tell them: the good, the bad, and the ugly), and tell me they think my mother is absolutely crazy.  So honestly, thank you.  I appreciate the extra fortification in my friendships.

I want to be a reflection of my Savior.  I cannot possibly do that if I am holding a grudge, or already plotting my revenge.  So I’m letting it go.  Say what you will.  Post whatever ‘evidence’ you think you have.  I refuse to allow you to live rent-free in my head.  I don’t think that’s how our Father in Heaven wants us to live, and so I will not live that way.  He is a loving God, and loves each of us unconditionally.  Although I fall short every time, I want to be like Him.  The first step is letting go and letting God.  That is what I plan to do.

Pet Peeves

Okay, so this is actually a rewrite.  I was a bit bitchy in the original, and after about 3 minutes I felt bad, so I'm rewriting this.

Basically, I hate liars.  I understand that I don't have the best track record, what with pretending to be in love with X and all, but at least my intentions were good.  Does that make it right?  No.  But I didn't do it to hurt anyone.  In fact, I did it to spare the pain I knew the truth would cause.

And I understand that sometimes people tell little white lies.  Sometimes it's to get out of trouble, like a speeding ticket.  Other times it's to spare a person's feelings ("Does this ___ look bad on me?").  Of course, that still doesn't make lying okay, but I understand that, at that point, it's not meant to hurt anyone.

No, what I can't stand are the lies that are meant to hurt.  The ones that are meant to cover tracks.  The ones that are told in order for the liar to get their way.

What bothers me even more is when someone lies to the very person who has been trying to help them.

Now, we're all human.  And no sin is greater or smaller than the last.  But come one, people... Don't expect me to be honest with you if you're just going to lie to me.  There's one thing I'm not, and that's stupid.  I'm smart enough to figure it out.

Oh, and one more thing: paranoia is defined as anxiety or distrust that is based on no evidence or justification.  If there is evidence and justification, it is no longer paranoia; it's cautiousness.

String

I just read a very interesting article about love.  It had several questions that I'm going to answer on here, and then it talked about string.  I'll explain that in a moment.

The article was about how to tell if you're in love.  It was about a man's own experience.  He gives several questions to ask yourself.  The first one is "What does it feel like to say goodbye?"  When I say goodbye to J, I almost immediately miss him.  Even when it's just for the night, I miss him.  When I know there will be a day of separation, I'm constantly envisioning him close to me.  When we were apart for a week, I wanted to text or call him constantly, just to hear from him.  Now that I'm looking at another week long separation, my stomach twists in unpleasant knots when I think about being away from him.  It's not overwhelming, but there's some very obvious unhappiness about it.  I miss him.  I want to be near him.  To hear him and touch him and hold him.

The next question is "What is it like to kiss [him]?"  It's amazing.  It's like the world has stopped, even if only for a moment.  Even quick little pecks are wonderful.  Every time his lips touch mine I want to wrap my arms around his neck and hold him there forever.  I get butterflies every time, without fail.  My heart skips a beat and speeds up all at once.  Every time we kiss it's like the very first time, and I absolutely love it.

Next: "What makes you happy?"  Well, first and foremost it's my daughter, K, and her happiness and joy and laughter.  Second would be him.  Being near him.  Seeing him smile.  Hearing him laugh.  Knowing that he's happy.  Knowing that I'm part of the reason for that happiness.  Everything about him.  Watching him play with K.  Everything.

"Do you want it?"  Yes I want it.  I want all of it.  The ups, the downs, the good, the bad.  I want everything that being with him has to offer.  I want the happiness I feel with him, the smiles, the kisses, the conversations, the games of magic, all of it.  I want it all.

The last question is "How long is a piece of string?"  The answer: I don't know.  Just like with love.  There's no exact measurement.  No formula to determine whether or not someone is truly in love.  You have to look at it, measure it yourself, and come up with your answer.  Chances are very good that you'll be right.

What's my answer?  I'm in love.  I still can't tell him, but without a doubt in my mind, I love him.  I hope one day he'll love me too. :-3

A Blessing and a Vent

So I have roommates.  I own my home, but I have roommates to help make ends meet.  One single female and a couple, who moved in when she was 5 1/2 months pregnant.  Well, today she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl!  July 19th, 2012, at 8:37 am, weighing a whopping 5 lbs 15 oz and 18 inches long.  I was privileged enough to be there!  I helped her breathe through contractions and held her leg when she pushed and everything! And she did marvelously.

Sadly, things didn't go exactly how she wanted them to.  Her bag of waters ruptured on the night of the 15th, but she didn't realize it.  On the 18th she went in for a stress test, and they confirmed that she had a slow leak.  They admitted her and immediately started her on pitocin (man-made oxytocin, which helps the contractions pick up speed).  At 5 am on the 19th they convinced her to get an epidural (she'd done SO well, though, things just weren't picking up at all).  And finally, just after 8:30, that dark haired little angel made her way into the world.  It was absolutely wonderful and beautiful and I started to tear up a little. :-3

And then I started getting mad.  So here comes my vent:

I will never - I repeat, NEVER - give birth in a hospital.  I won't do it.  End of story.  I have a list as to why, a list that I have now witnessed with my own two eyes!

1, They lie.  The first doctor she had lied straight to her face several times! She told her they were going to start her on pitocin because, "Your body makes pitocin naturally so we're just going to add some more to get things going."  Um, wrong!! Your body does NOT make pitocin naturally!  It makes oxytocin naturally!  Pitocin is oxytocin on steroids, and it's hell!

Granted, it'd been 48 hours since the amniotic sac ruptured and she wasn't contracting at all; they needed to do something.  But the mother didn't want drugs if at all possible, so she asked if there was anything else that could be done first.  You know what the doctor said?  "No"!  Are you kidding me???  Yes, there most certainly is.  I was about to interject, but luckily the nurse was the mother's advocate here and she intervened and started listing things that could possibly be tried.  Doc didn't look to happy, haha, but mom sure was!  They tried each of the other options and, sadly, they had to do the pitocin, but at least that awesome nurse helped us out!

2, Pitocin.  This is totally separate from the above, actually.  It's pitocin itself I can't stand.  Yes, I know that in some cases it's necessary (like in my poor roommate's case), but in most it's not, but it's pretty much become standard.  But you know what happens??  They give you pitocin (again, oxytocin on steroids) to make contractions more intense, and the more they give you the more baby's heart rate starts to go down with every contraction.  So then they convince you to have an epidural (if you haven't already gotten one) and that slows labor down.  So they give you more pitocin.  Which, again, makes baby's heart rate go down during contractions 'cause they're so intense.  After a few hours of this (12 or more if you're lucky) they tell you it's simply not safe for the baby and they have to do a C-Section.  Funny thing: You wouldn't need the C-Section if they hadn't given you pitocin!!  Minus the C-Section, that's exactly what happened to this mommy.

3, They ignore your wishes during labor.  She made it very clear that she wanted to walk around, move around, and labor the way she wanted to labor.  What happened?  They confined her on her back in a bed with two internal monitors.  The reason being that "Well we just can't monitor the baby's heart rate with you moving around, and we need to have a constant monitor on her."  Bull freakin' shit!  I've got news for you: women have been giving birth for centuries upon centuries without any sort of monitoring.  Monitoring is great, but it doesn't have to be constant!  My midwives monitored me about once ever 45 to 60 minutes, and it was external and took all of 1, maybe 2 minutes.  My poor roommate was miserable and unable to move!  Take it from a mommy who labored for 36 hours without drugs: laying still (especially on your back!) is the WORST possible way to labor!! You're working against gravity, for starters, and moving and rocking is about the only thing that makes that pain a little more bearable!

4, They ignore your wishes after the baby is born!!  Mommy wanted them to immediately put baby on her stomach and leave her there until she had finished eating.  Did it happen?  No.  Mommy also wanted them to leave the vernix (that white waxy stuff) on her skin to let it soak in.  Did it happen?  No.  Mommy also wanted to let baby do the breast crawl (you can put a newborn baby in its mother's stomach and it will literally crawl to the breast and start to suckle.  It may take up to 20-30 minutes, but it does happen! Babies are smart!)  Did it happen?  No! They put baby on mom's chest for just a minute, then immediately took her to the other side of the room.  There they wiped off all the vernix!  Once that was done they put the baby on her tummy again, but before she could even begin to try to find mommy's breast, they said, "She's much too small for this.  We're going to give her a little help.  Here, put her right on your nipple," and they moved her!  Oh I was pissed.  I pointed out - as politely as I could at that point - that my daughter was also 2 weeks early and she had no problem finding my breast, she just needed the time to actually try!!

So yeah, those are the top four reasons I WILL NOT have a hospital birth.  I will find insurance that covers home births and I will go with that.  That is absolutely ridiculous.  No way, no how.  I don't think so.

But, as I just keep reminding myself, it all turned out wonderfully because they got a beautiful baby girl out of it, and she is healthy and happy.  As my boyfriend J so eloquently put it, "Praise the Lord, a new blessing has befallen [them]"!

Musings

Okay, so before I start, I just want to exclaim my odd excitement, haha: people in Germany, Russia, Japan, and the UK have seen my blog! And more than once!  Russia's in the lead with 11 views, Germany's at 8, the UK's at 7, and Japans is at like 6.  I know, I know, those numbers are really small, but this is a big deal to me! I don't really know why, but it is, haha.

Anyway, I was thinking about something today.  About the guy I'm dating, J, actually.  We're coming up on three months, and even though it's only been a short amount of time... I think I'm in love with him.  Problem is, I can't tell him because I want to be 110% sure, not just 99.999%.  But let me put it to you this way: I've stopped looking at S's Facebook, and the only time I think about K is when he retaliates in Words With Friends (he's kicking my ass, I'm afraid).  All I want is J, and that's a big deal, because I loved both of them very much.  The fact that he trumps each of them (not just now, but how I felt back then) is a very big deal.

But even if I was 110% sure, I couldn't tell him.  See, he has it set in his head that the words "I love you" are over used in today's world.  And don't get me wrong, they are.  I know of people who are saying "I love you" less than a week after meeting.  Yes, some people can fall in love that quickly, but the majority of us don't.  But that's not what J means.  What he means is that people shouldn't say "I love you" until they're pretty much ready to get engaged.  Once they're engaged/married, they can go ahead and say it all they want.  But until then, no.  If it's said, it should be said sparingly.

This is a really hard thing for me.  I am the type of person that, once I know someone loves me, I want to hear it all the time.  If I don't hear it relatively often, I start to get worried that maybe he's falling out of love with me (This is kind of based off of past experience, so don't judge me, haha).  So it's hard for me to accept that - if he says it at all - he'd only say it every once in a great while.

This weekend was also interesting.  He was in an off mood, it seemed, most of the weekend.  Friday he was irritated because he wasn't able to stay at work the whole day, and saturday and today he just seemed grouchy.  I kept taking it personal, which was really stupid of me, and although I really enjoyed spending time with him, it was very stressful.  I found myself wondering if he's going to turn out to be a 'grumpy old man' in say 50 years or so.

And the funny thing is, despite his grumpiness, despite the fact that not being told 'I love you' is going to royally suck, and despite the fact that this weekend was quite stressful, I'm determined to make it work.  He makes me happy.  I'm happy on a daily basis, and - for the most part - he only increases that happiness.  Even when things are stressful or when I get my feeling hurt, he still makes me happy.  And I want to make  him happy.  I want him to know that he is one of the most important things in the world, to me anyway (luckily I don't have to worry about him doing it here; he doesn't like to read as it is, haha). I guess that's another sign that I just might be in love with him...

Confessions

So I have something to say (I'd say I have something to admit, but I haven't exactly hidden it.  I just haven't shoved it in people's faces).  It's pretty big news, but not end-of-the-world kind of news.  Actually, I think it's pretty good news: I'm seeing someone.

We will call him J.  He's tall, has brown hair, blue eyes, and crazy eyebrows, haha.  He used to be a Marine (well I guess he still is; he's Reserves) but was never stationed where I live.  In fact, he was stationed in Japan, but moved here after he got out because the missionary group (called the Navigators) that converted him to Christianity asked him to move here to help with the ministry and other such things.  He's handsome and hilarious and I REALLY like him.

We've been dating for about 2 1/2 months.  At first I wasn't so sure about him.  He was so quiet!  And the first date I though he didn't tip the waitress (turns out he did, haha) so his points weren't exactly tallying up, haha.  But the very day I was going to tell him I just wanted to be friends, something changed.  I'm not sure what, exactly, but I no longer wanted to just be friends.  After that, I started falling, fast and hard.

What I love about our relationship is that it's so laid back.  There's no pressure, not from anyone (knowing or unknowing), to stay together.  We talk when we hang out, and we have a lot of the same interests but just enough differences to keep it interesting.  We do things together, like play magic (a card game.  It's awesome, haha) and go for walks and go to walmart just to be weird, haha.  I love it!  He's such an active person, and just social enough that I don't feel trapped in a box with four walls, but still loves his quiet time.

I can tell he really cares about me.  1st of all, he got me a stuffed animal when he went on a trip, just a week or so after meeting me.  It was sweet. :-)  He also keeps in mind things I need to do that I often don't even remember myself, like get my oil changed, or move all the dirt I had piled up from my yard work, or help get rid of my dog's fleas.  And then he does them with me, if I haven't already gotten them done.  On top of that, he remembers things I like, then does them simply because I like them!  For example, one of my FAVORITE ways to be kissed is to have the guy cup my face or put his hand at the back of my neck.  He does them constantly!  And it never gets old. :-)

I honestly haven't felt this way since I fell for S...  Or even K.  But it's heavier, if that makes sense.  It seems more real, more meaningful.  And I hope it is.  I really hope to keep him around.  I honestly don't care what anyone thinks about it (X knows, and has since I met him, so that's all that really matters); I'm happy.  And I plan to stay that way. :-)  We all deserve to find love.  Every single one of us.