3 Songs... Eeny, Meeny, Miney, Mo...

These are the songs I was considering for my audition.  The links provided are to covers of the song done by me.

My Heart Can't Tell You No by Sara Evans is an amazing song.  I heard it the other day, and just had to add it to my list of potentials.

Papa Can You Hear Me, by Barbra Streisand, has been one of my favorites for pretty much two decades.  Barbra sings it AMAZINGLY, and I try to do it justice, even when just singing for my own entertainment <3

Ultimately, though, I ended up going with Close Enough to Touch by Kenneth Cope.  I can't fully explain it, but it just felt like the right choice for the moment ^.^

When Audition and Passion Collide

Today I had an audition.  It’s the first audition I’ve had in years, and wow was I excited!  The musical I was trying out for has been one of my favorites for years, and scoring the part would be HUGELY exciting…

...but I’m not worried about that.  

To be honest, of course I would love to get the part.  I would have so much fun, and to be honest I believe I would do REALLY well.  It’s so much more than that, though….

You see, I love to sing.  It is, without a doubt, one of my greatest passions.  I feel so connected with… more when I sing.  I don’t really know how to describe it, but when I lose myself - truly lose myself - to the music, I just…. Am.  I am the music, and the music is me.  And it is such a beautiful experience.

That’s what I felt today on stage for that audition.  I chose a song that is near and dear to my heart, one I felt was right for that moment, and I just… I got lost in it.  It took a moment at first, I won’t lie (nerves, lol), but when I finally let go and just was…. Oh boy was I!

I was marvelous!  I heard myself, but more than that, I felt myself.  I felt the crescendos, the decrescendos, the suspense of the music as though I was living it.  I felt the audience - a handful of men and women, my husband, and our baby - enjoying what I had worked so hard to prepare for them.  I felt… amazing.

And that is what it’s about for me - following my passions, losing myself in them, and letting go enough to enjoy what I’m doing.  And oh, I did…

And it paid off!!  Whether I get the part or not, I made an impression!  So much so that I not only got through the entire song (which is easily 3 minutes or longer), but then the music director asked me to sing the Prologue of the musical in question, which is sung by the character I was auditioning for!  WHAT A THRILL!!!

If nothing else, I have an amazing memory of an amazing time on stage… and that, for me, is enough.  The gratitude I feel for this experience… words fall so short.

So I’ll just shout out a big, “Thank you, THANK you, THANK YOU!!!” to the Universe!!

Thank you, thank you, thank you….

<3 <3 <3

I have a Sad

I have a Sad, and I don’t know why

No I don’t know why, but I want to cry

Want to let it out

Want to scream and shout

As the winter wind goes whistling by

Want to let my teardrops fall like rain

Want to face my fear - want to feel that pain

Want to feel it, raw

As the raven’s caw

Let it drift away as it comes again

Yes I have a Sad, though I’ve not a clue

What has brought it here, or what’s next to do

Do I kick and stomp,

At the bit to chomp?

Or remain as still as the summer dew?

Yet in all of this I recall one thing:

Yes I have a Sad, and a voice to sing

So I’ll sing a song

(You can sing along)

And with that, dear friends, let this Sad take wing

-Journey

I Didn't Know

When I gave you time

That I didn’t have to give

I didn’t know you’d try to steal the clock

When I called you to apologize

For something done years past

I didn’t know you’d do similar

When I reached out in love

To build a bridge from ash

I didn’t know you’d use my words against me

When I spent the last several years

Trying to build a semblance of friendship

I didn’t know how little it meant to you

When I forgave and forgave and forgave

Far beyond the point of insanity

I didn’t know your heart would turn to hate

When I offered you a gift

That I didn’t have to- that broke my heart

I didn’t know you were conspiring to take so much more

I didn’t know you would do the things that you have done

I didn’t know you were the type of person who would - who could

Yet even now, knowing what I know

I would do it all again…

...starting with forgiving you

Because the person that you are - whoever that is

Will never change what I AM.

Sacred Sacrifice

Sometimes the right thing to do
Is worse than all your fears
It takes the greatest sacrifice
It causes the most tears

It will rip your heart in two
Then shred it further still
And though you'll think you can't go on
You can, and so you will

With one foot and then the next
You'll pass through this dark trial
And I promise you will find
You do know how to smile

So smile you will, with tear-filled eyes
Til the clouds above part
And show you the plan that you missed
Right from the very start

For even though the pain was sharp
It was a part of this:
The journey that led you into
Your undiluted bliss
-Journey

Live Your Truth

When it's hard to face the day
When your loved ones turn away
Though the cost seems steep to pay
Always - live your Truth

When the daytime turns to night
& others say what's wrong is right
Don't abandon - hold it tight
Remember then your Truth

The world may spin far faster yet
It's people in their ways will set
And it may seem good to forget
But don't; you need your Truth

For your Truth will set you free
And allow you just to Be
Heed my words and you will see
It's promised. Live your Truth.
-Journey

Take It Slow

Faster, faster
The world goes round.
Take a minute,
Slow it down.

See the beauty
In the rose.
Life's a poem
You compose.

Falling's fun;
Pretend to fly.
Enjoy the moments.
Don't ask why.

No need to analyze
Everything.
Set your heart free,
Let it sing.

Breathe in deeply,
Let it go.
Live completely -
Take it slow.
-Journey

Where Faith and Dreams Abide

Today I let go of the past
Today I release lack
And trust the Universe so vast;
It always has my back

Indeed, I cling to Freedom dear
And in Plenty abide
For this is where my joy is - here!
Where Faith and Dreams reside
-Journey

The Joy Within

When Winter winds howl through the night
And Summer fades away,
When Autumn sun fades out of sight
And frozen is the day

When ice and flurries touch the land,
When green is dead and gone,
It's then that you will understand
What's been denied too long:

It isn't sun that offers hope,
Nor flowers that paint a grin;
The warmest days won't help you cope
For joy is found within

You must look inside your soul
To find a life worthwhile
Once done you'll be forever whole
With an eternal smile
-Journey

Not a Day Goes By, Lonestar - a slightly-altered cover

A song for my Lost Boys <3

Chosen Perspective

Sometimes I wish my childhood
Held memories of fun
But truthfully, when I look back
It makes me want to run

So much pain and sorrow there
So much fear, repressed
I dreamed of it last night, and now
This morning I’m depressed

Yet I’m ever the optimist;
Those scenes cannot control
My outlook on my life, my joy
My happiness - no, no!

And so I’ll look deeper into
The recess of my mind
And see what gold I can dig up,
What happiness I’ll find

There’s the day mom looked at me
With lips pressed like a fish
And trying not to laugh, pressed on
my cheeks a fishy-kiss

Or the night a bat flew in
My parents both freaked out!
Yet I laughed in peeling chimes
As it flew roundabout

There’s the knowledge that, though with
a lesson I found shame,
My mother held me tenderly
And loved me just the same

I remember digging once
To China, I was sure!
That was great! til dad told us
To go and fill the hole…

Then there was the gardening
Not weeding - what distaste!
But pulling things right from the vine
Their sweet juices to taste

Bike rides, camping, playing sports
Even solo pretend
They made my childhood memorable
The made the “lonely” end

It wouldn’t take much, not at all
To recall all the strife
But I choose to instead let go,
And see a happy life.

I Am, You Are

You Are Good and Perfect
You Are Love and Light
You provide a guiding force
That carries through the night

I Am only part of
Your Infinite Design
Yet even in my weakest days
You love this Soul of mine

This path that's set before me
I know that I can trust
And so I set my feet on it -
I can, I will, I must!

Following Your guidance
I know will bring great joy
And so my intuition I

Will gladly use, employ

You'll teach me through my weakness
You'll help me to stand strong
No need to wait til End to see;
You're with me all along

To My Love

Of all the loves I've known in life,
The joys that take away the strive,
The greatest is being your wife
I pray it never ends

I'll stay with you through thick and thin
Each battle we'll together win
And at the end will look again
As lovers and as friends

At how our path twisted and turned
The rain that froze, the sun that burned
And all the riches we have earned -
Worth more than priceless stone

The memories we'll hold so dear
As we recount each precious year
And nary will we shed a tear,
For twixt us love was known

A Fairy's Advice

Once upon a midnight song
Beneath a willow tree
Where I lay and ponder there
A fairy came to me

"Why wonder?" Said the Fae to I
"Why waste this magic hour?"
"Because I want to know what lies
Beyond the watchman's tower."

"I see," replied my winged friend
"But don't you understand?
"The only way you'll ever know
"Is here and now to stand

"And go - don't even bid farewell!
"Just go beyond that gate.
"It's then you'll realize that YOU
Are Master of your fate."

And so I heed those very words
And scarce a moment pause
Whenever my dreams travel wide
And new direction calls

Tribute to My Boys

Though darkness surrounds me
And grief overtakes
I stir from this torment,
I start to awake

It's only a trifle,
A moment at best
And with my acceptance
Do I find my rest

And drink from deep waters
That with sweetness run
Crowned then by glory,
In arms of Loved Ones

Song of a Gypsy

Once upon a time I didn't like the girl in the mirror.

Now the girl is a woman, and I adore her.

This is my song to her, from me.

May whoever reads this love themselves just as deeply.

http://pan-ostic.blogspot.com

I Am

I am who I am and I don't want to change

My life is mine only to fix and arrange

In colors and covenants; in music and hues

Within me lies power I will not abuse

I know that to others I don't make much sense

They're not used to someone who has no pretense

But if you'll feel me, if you'll hear my word

I think that you'll realize - I'm not that absurd

I mean what I say, and I say what I mean

And I'll be the soft place on which you can lean

But do not mistake me for timid or weak

For you'll hear a Goddess when I choose to speak. 

And So She Was

Once upon a time
There was a girl

Not just any girl...
And yet she was

Broken and shattered
And resilient, fortified

She was... Everything
...but thought she was nothing

And so she was.

A boy found her,
Loved her,
And she loved him
And so they Lived

Together in one,
Yet separates entirely,
their love bloomed
Their life blossomed
And they were...
Happy.

Love's Path

Those who do not understand
With hearts in bars and heads in sand
Will tell you Love's means to an end
And that Heart's a fickle friend

"It will lead you," they will say
- with good intentions - "far astray
"To hell and shadows, oft combined
"It's better yet to lean on Mind."

They'll warn you, "tread most cautiously
"And when you love, love logically
"For if you don't, you'll soon regret
"The path you chose - yes every step."

Though their heedings I ignore
Even as they beg, implore,
For me to follow what they do
I've found that something does ring true

Whether peace or hell it's earning
Heart does want for what it's yearning
But when it's Love that leads the way
I've found it never leads astray

No, contrary to belief
It's Love's path that brings relief
And even when dark comes along
It's just the night before the dawn

Yet if you push through to the end
You'll find you have in Heart a friend
So keep the faith, in Love abide
And Happiness won't leave your side

My Masterpiece

I wish I could paint
I wish I could draw
I wish that my work
Would leave you in awe

I wish I could color
Emotions and dreams
Give shape to my visions
And shade to my schemes

Perhaps I will someday
Take paper and pen
And draw something special
But until then

My rainbow is simple
In greys, blacks, and blues
My pen is my paintbrush,
My words are my hues

The world is my easle
The page is my canvas
My dreams are the colors
Above and around us

My heart is my vision
It fuels all my dreams
And though they look simple
They aren't as they seem

My life is the subject
I sit down to paint
And pen touching parchment
I know I can't taint

This canvas, these colors,
Because - don't you see? -
The works I'm creating
Are perfectly Me

The Girl in the Mirror

About a decade ago, in the throes of a deep depression, I stared out the window of a car. As the car passes under a lamppost I caught a glimpse of my reflection, and I wasn't quite shocked to see that the girl in the glass looked just as sad as I felt. A single tear rolled down her cheek, and the sight inspired a poem.

I found that poem again a few days ago, and my heart ached at the pain the words conveyed. I thought about keeping it, but it was just too sad... So I rewrote it, instead.

This is the finished product:

I stare at the mirror
And look through the glass
The woman behind it
Stares right back

She watches me
With knowing eyes
And seems know
Just what lies
Beyond the shadows
Of day and night
And yet she waits
Silently

Years ago
When smiles were tears
And hours were years
And hopes were fears
I asked myself:
What would it be like?

The existence seemed grim:
To never laugh,
Except with them
To cry their tears
And share their fears

...But also their wonder
Their hopes
And their dreams;
To feel their joy
As it bursts from the seams
And lights up the smiles
On their faces

It took so long
For me to see
What it means to be
A girl
Whose whole world
Is that of waiting
Anticipating
Of staring
And knowing
And watching
And only showing

It took so long to see
That I
Am the girl in the mirror

Shake - an Original by Amber

I wrote a song in the shower last year. It finally came back to me last week.

Universal Mirrors

Sometimes a Mirror is all that I see
when I'm staring at you and you're looking at me
& sometimes I think, why not just let it be?
We don't need to force the direction

& then there's the words – all the things that I hear
The good and the bad, spoken year after year
& even my own oft' perpetuate fear
Despite all my "best of intentions"

My brain runs away from me; scurries on fast
& though I can catch it, I know it won't last
& soon - oh so soon! - I Know all will be past
All the thoughts & the words & inflections

But maybe that's best, as I sit down to think
No don't think, but feel! Yes, feel it to the brink
Feel the whole Universe within a blink
As you stare into each new Reflection

From Christian to Pantheist - a Journey

As I sit down to write this, my stomach is twisted in knots.

They're the good kind of knots... the type you might get as you board the coolest, scariest roller-coaster you've ever seen... the type that say, "This is scary... but in a really good way."  The type that lay your fears before you to be confronted, and leave you feeling victoriously triumphant when you're done.

There will be those who don't believe that; who believe that my 'knots' are something else, something darker.  And that's okay.  To be honest with you, it is exactly those people whose possible responses I am fearful of... and that's okay, too.  It's just where I am right now.  But it's not enough of a reason to stop.

You see, I have something to say.  I've wanted to say it for a while, but my motivations for doing so were always of a lesser caliber than this post deserves.  Because, you see, what I have to say is Sacred.  It is my Truth.  And now, finally, I am telling it for the right reasons.

Most people who know me know I was raised Mormon, and then left when I was 20.  Since then, what few people know is that my views have never quite stopped shifting and changing (often seemingly against my will).  It's not something I've hidden, per se, but I did know from experience that the reception would likely be less-than-positive...so I haven't exactly announced it, either.

Well, I suppose that's not entirely true.  In my own way - sometimes subtly, sometimes less so - I have let on.  However, now I'm ready to truly tell my story.

It began, as you may guess, after I left the Mormon church.  I went through a period of anger - I felt lied to and then abandoned when those beliefs fell away - then anger turned to sadness, and sadness to acceptance.  For a time I stayed in that, content to believe what I was now being told was true.

However, if there's one thing my journey as a Mormon-to-Christian taught me, it was: question everything.

And so I did.

I was very interested in the why's and how's and wherefore's, so to speak.  And while I knew there were many answers I would not be able to find, I realized that I was unable to accept 'truth' simply because it had been served to me from a pulpit.

And so I searched.

I dug.

I prayed.

Oh boy did I pray.

And as I did so, I realized there was one belief from Mormonism that, no matter how hard I tried to let it go, kept coming back, and that is: everybody gets to Heaven (well, not everybody, but damn near close... but that's a different topic).

I tried and I tried to release that belief, as 'good Christians' were supposed to, but I found it impossible.  After all, how could a loving God create people who will NEVER hear of Him... just to send them to Hell for not believing in His existence?  No, no, that couldn't be right... Not the God who made it clear that He IS Love... Not my God...

And so I continued searching.  I continued praying.

My next 'crazy theory' (as I came to call the things I thought up that caused Traditional Christians to cry "blasphemy!") was that perhaps all of the major religions, even Mormonism, have some truth to them.  After all, when I truly looked closely at their creeds, so many have so many similarities - both the 'good' and the 'bad'.  It's astounding, really!

Then it went deeper... I remember specifically one night that my now-husband ~R~ and I were talking, and I had epiphany after epiphany after epiphany.  "What if, when Jesus says, "I AM", what if he means... What if he means he's EVERYTHING?  Like, EVERYTHING everything... The entire UNIVERSE!  The good... and even the bad.  Except it isn't bad, it's just... I dunno, vibration?  And it all fits perfectly together, like the Yin and Yang symbol!  What if..."

I wish I could remember more of that night, but truly I don't think I could put it into words even if I did.  It's an experience I would share if I could... but I cannot.  At least not right now.  And that is beautiful.

All of that^ took place over the course of about 4 years, and the final 'yin and yang' piece of the puzzle had, I thought, completed my transformation, and my theories remained in the suspended state they had become for nearly a year.

...Then ~R~ sent me this video.

I was floored.

Admittedly there was some that did not 'resonate with me' (a term I have come to adopt), however it threw open a door that had to that point only been cracked.  My curiosity was more than just piqued - it was on fire.

I spent the next week in a state of intense, almost overwhelming positive emotion as I searched for more and more clues.  I researched relentlessly, feeling as though I was finally lapping up the knowledge that I had been thirsting for for centuries (and truly, I may have been - I believe that to be a possibility).  The more I learned, the less I realized I knew... and the more Awakened I became.

Today I consider myself a pantheist (although, again, that word fails me).  I know that I don't have all the answers, but I now understand that no one on this 3rd Dimensional plane does... and that it's meant to be exactly that way.

I don't know what I'll learn next, or when I'll learn it, but I do know that what I've gleaned so far has vastly transformed the entirety my life...

...and I've never been more grateful for anything.

This is all I'll say about my beliefs here.  I will be starting another blog, though, and will be writing out many of the theories that come to me as I feel so drawn.  I hope that all who read this post continue to live their Truth exactly as they see fit - which is exactly how I plan to live mine.  May love and light be with you, always.

And so It Is.

Parenting: A+

Over the course of the past week or two I've seen this post pop up on my stats tracker as having been recently viewed.  It showed up once more today, and curiosity got hold of me.  Why would someone be interested in something I had written 5 years ago?  So I clicked on it.

The person that greeted me in that post was a very hurt one.  That hurt manifested itself in way of anger, even slight vindictiveness.  She felt jaded and betrayed; people she had trusted were trying to take her baby away!  Where was the justice in that??  She knew that they truly believed she had gone nuts - to an extent she didn't blame them - and probably honestly thought that she would be a harmful influence on K, but the hurt had finally piled too high to see over... and so she lashed out.

My heart ached for the woman who wrote that post, but this time it also ached for her 'oppressors'.  While I knew it even as my fingers drummed the keys 5 years ago, this time I truly felt their worry.  Their concern.  Their fear.

Their fear for the little girl whom they knew was too thin... but didn't know had already seen several pediatricians and undergone several tests; about her mother whom they knew had without warning left the husband she'd professed for years to love... but didn't see the crippling depression she'd been hiding since the day she'd said "Yes (I do)" and 'cemented her fate' (or so she had thought).  Yes, there had been another side to the story, but they didn't know that.  I hadn't told them.  In my tumultuous sea that I could scarcely maneuver, I'd let my own sorrows and pain interrupt what should have been a mutually beneficial line of communication... and unintentionally caused the very fear that dialed CPS's number.

Of course they'd thought I'd gone crazy.  Of course they thought K would be better off raised without me as an active participant.  How could it be any other way?  And so, believing in their heart of hearts that they were doing the best thing for K... of course they took action.  In my own way... I'm glad they did; it shows just how important she is to them.

Just as I was doing my best, they too were doing theirs.

For years there has been a part of me, at times small and at others quite monumental, that has harbored resentment over this.  Part of that is that I never got the apology I felt I deserved.  But I've realized, finally, that there is no apology necessary.  None that even 'should' happen, really... They were doing what they legitimately thought was the right thing to do.  What was best.  And if you're giving your best... should you really apologize for that??

So I'm letting go.  I'm forgiving, them and myself.  I'm accepting that this is what happened; that there were no innocent or guilty parties.  It is what it is, and I'm truly okay with that.

The pictures I will keep.  Like I said, it is what it is.  Forgiveness and acceptance don't erase the event, only the pain.  But that being said, I've deleted the original message.  Let the hurt, the anger, and fear stay in the past.  They have no place in my Now <3

This is the Cover Letter I got from CPS (above)

Page 1 of the Safety Assessment (above)

Page 2 of the Safety Assessment (above)

Page 4 of the Safety Assessment (above)

Final Page of the Safety Assessment (above)

The Parenting Assessment I took at the New Parent Support group (above)

Leaving Yesteryear

There is a place I should not go
But can get to from here
It's full of both joy and sorrow
I call it yesteryear

Once I thought this place was but
A home away from home
A place where I could reminisce
In times I felt alone

In this place I could revisit
The good times come and gone
They served as consolation when
I sang a lonesome song

But in time I realized
There's more to it than that
Because there's more than joy to find
When you're stuck looking back

Yes, there's light in wandering
the past, as I would do
But light has its counterpart;
Darkness resides there too

The darkness overwhelmed me once
And kept me in its grip
And fighting it would only make
My scarce sanity slip

As the years went slowly by
I came to understand
The only way I could escape
This dark, quickening sand

Was to cease my visiting
This bright and dreary place
And once I did I found TRUE joy
It stared me in the face

When I let go of what once was,
Including happiness,
I found that that also rewrote
Every woeful mess

There is no point in staying there
It's useless looking back
I'm only moving forward now
the past is in the past

Happy Birthday

Facing the Demon

A powerful darkness is coming our way
It torments by night, terrorizes by day
You'd think it would keep other demons away
But in fact it just seems to attract them

The priests of the village will all try and fail
To conquer the monster 'fore which widows wail
And nary a hero will ever prevail
To stifle the beast that attacks them

This beast can't be beaten with dagger and stone
No weapon of iron can make it atone
Nay, nothing at all can this Ruler dethrone
'Cept maybe the rarely detected

For the gift, this protection, at times seems a curse
As the symptoms, for many, feel rather adverse
And using it, practicing, just makes it worse
With results that are quite unexpected

Yet if we are to win, one has to step forth
Then one turn to two, then a third to a fourth
And then, only then, will the needle point north
And lead to the way of salvation

For only a heart full of love can dispel
The evil that torments good people with hell
It's Fear that we face; naught but Love can It quell
And Terror transmute to Elation

A Tale as Old as Time...

As my five-year-old's spring trip with her dad is getting closer (she'll be gone three weeks this time), R and I decided to take her on a Mommy-Daddy-Daughter date, just the three of us.  We had an absolute blast.  Dinner and a movie, complete with cotton candy and "daddy will you carry me?" ("She won't ask that much longer," I reminded him as he did :-3) My heart was absolutely full the entire time.

However, as much as I love to gush about my family, what I really wanted to blog about was the movie.

It. Was. Awesome.  The more I think about it, the more I love it.  The scenery... The characters... The messages... Especially the messages.  Scattered here and there throughout the movie were GREAT lessons that I was simply THRILLED that my children would grow up learning: Acceptance of others; independence; redemption; unwillingness to accept anything less than freedom - even when incarceration is wrapped in such pretty finery.  But probably my favorite part, at least the part I can't get out of my head, was the changed lyrics in the Mob Song.

**Spoiler alert**

As the mob is on the way to the castle, singing about killing this mysterious monster about whom they know nothing, and how they're "counting on Gaston to lead the way," Gaston pipes up with:

"Call it War, call it Threat
You can bet they all will follow,
For in times like this they'll do just as I say."

Wow.  If that isn't the truth.  How sad, to look back at history (even RECENT history, as recent as today) and see good people band in fear to follow vicious, blood-thirsty, immoral leaders. This point is accentuated shortly afterward when the townspeople declare:

"Sally Forth, Tally Ho!
Grab your sword! Grab your bow!
Praise the Lord and here we go!"

Praise the Lord.  Even as they draw their weapons to slaughter an innocent life, they are singing God's praises.

These are not evil people.

These are not even 'bad' people.

These are good, God-fearing individuals... who have allowed fear to disorient their view, and guide their actions.

The thought is heart-breaking, because truly they are victims themselves... of their own inability to look further than the borders of their "poor provincial town". And because this is happening every day...

But there is one part in the song that gives me hope: at this point in the story, Lefou has started to realize exactly how messed up of a guy Gaston is, and quietly to himself he sings:

"There's a beast running wild, there's no question
but I fear the wrong monster's released."

He sees it.  Someone sees.  In fact, the very someone who once considered this 'beast' a friend has started to see right through him.

And that's exactly what I see happening every day, in the everyday world.

The world seems like it's going crazy, there's no doubt about that.  And in this day and age, with all of this crazy going around, it's nigh to impossible not to let the fear consume us.  So many are being guided by it every day, following their own versions of Gaston, or simply allowing their fears to cloud their views.

Yet even in the midst of the chaos, I see hope shining brightly like a ray of light through the smoke of battle.  Every day, someone else wakes up.  Every day, someone new realizes, "Hey, they're just like me.  Why haven't I accepted them before?"  More and more people are realizing -truly, consciously realizing- that the golden rule we were taught as children, "Do unto others as you would have done unto you," wasn't a warning... and that it really is so important.

Maybe I'm some lovesick hippy whose delusions that we can all, one day, live in peace will only break my heart. ...But maybe, just maybe, I'm right.  Maybe the many of us who have come to this conclusion... maybe we're onto something.

The Wisdom of the Crow

The crow discloses what he knows
As twilight paints the sky:
"The evening rose is predisposed
To wither up and die!
For only those, the Eskimos
Could very well survive
The frozen winds and icy throes
Of winter passing by."

-A poem by me

Still Alive - A Novel

I did a thing.

I decided to "publish" my new book via blog.  I may or may not still pursue agent representation / real publication, but for now this is what I want to do :-)

I'll be publishing each chapter weekly (Mondays) here.  Hopefully that'll give me time to get the next book written and keep the ball rolling, but only time will tell!

Happy reading!

A New Experience

I am not a fan of pregnancy.  Don’t get me wrong, I adore my pregnant belly, and obviously love the end result.  But pregnancy itself?  It’s for the birds.  ...Well, maybe not for the birds, but it’s definitely not on my list of favorite past times.  

The reason for my loathing of the gestational period is summed up in two words (nine syllables): Hyperemesis Gravidarum.  For those who don’t know what that is… Think of the most ‘comical’ movie/tv scene you can think of where a pregnant woman is just sick to her stomach… now multiply that by about 30, add some severe pain throughout the abdomen and trachea (you know, from all the vomiting), and you’re getting close.  And it lasts the whole. time.  For me, anyway.  

Of course, it doesn’t help that - on top of being so sick - I felt very alone for all three of my previous pregnancies (Especially the last two… that was a bitch). It’s hard to hang on to optimism when you feel like shit and feel all but alone in the world.  

But this time… this time it’s different.  This time, I’m not alone... not in any sense of the word.  This time, I have my R.  

Never before has anyone looked at me the way he does - with awe and joy and reverence.  Never before has my partner enjoyed, cherished, and all but worshiped my pregnant body, and the fact that I am carrying his baby.  Never before have I felt - truly felt - that my sickness was a precursor to a blessing that my partner was excited for, rather than an inconvenience to him.  

Well, “never before” has become “every day.”

Not a day goes by that I don’t catch him admiring the curve of my belly as it swells with his child.  Not a day goes by that he doesn’t tell me how beautiful, wonderful, and amazing I am.  Every single day, he goes above and beyond to not just “take care of things”, but to show me - truly show me - how much he loves me, and how excited he is that we are bringing this little life into the world.

And it is amazing.

This will very likely be my last pregnancy, but I’m so, so glad that I got to experience at least one with my soul mate.  

I love you, R.  You are already such a great father, and you have stepped up in ways you should never have had to. I cannot wait to... well, I just can't wait.

Mother

I forgive you.