As I sit down to write this, my stomach is twisted in knots.
They're the good kind of knots... the type you might get as you board the coolest, scariest roller-coaster you've ever seen... the type that say, "This is scary... but in a really good way." The type that lay your fears before you to be confronted, and leave you feeling victoriously triumphant when you're done.
There will be those who don't believe that; who believe that my 'knots' are something else, something darker. And that's okay. To be honest with you, it is exactly those people whose possible responses I am fearful of... and that's okay, too. It's just where I am right now. But it's not enough of a reason to stop.
You see, I have something to say. I've wanted to say it for a while, but my motivations for doing so were always of a lesser caliber than this post deserves. Because, you see, what I have to say is Sacred. It is my Truth. And now, finally, I am telling it for the right reasons.
Most people who know me know I was raised Mormon, and then left when I was 20. Since then, what few people know is that my views have never quite stopped shifting and changing (often seemingly against my will). It's not something I've hidden, per se, but I did know from experience that the reception would likely be less-than-positive...so I haven't exactly announced it, either.
Well, I suppose that's not entirely true. In my own way - sometimes subtly, sometimes less so - I have let on. However, now I'm ready to truly tell my story.
It began, as you may guess, after I left the Mormon church. I went through a period of anger - I felt lied to and then abandoned when those beliefs fell away - then anger turned to sadness, and sadness to acceptance. For a time I stayed in that, content to believe what I was now being told was true.
However, if there's one thing my journey as a Mormon-to-Christian taught me, it was: question everything.
And so I did.
I was very interested in the why's and how's and wherefore's, so to speak. And while I knew there were many answers I would not be able to find, I realized that I was unable to accept 'truth' simply because it had been served to me from a pulpit.
And so I searched.
I dug.
I prayed.
Oh boy did I pray.
And as I did so, I realized there was one belief from Mormonism that, no matter how hard I tried to let it go, kept coming back, and that is: everybody gets to Heaven (well, not everybody, but damn near close... but that's a different topic).
I tried and I tried to release that belief, as 'good Christians' were supposed to, but I found it impossible. After all, how could a loving God create people who will NEVER hear of Him... just to send them to Hell for not believing in His existence? No, no, that couldn't be right... Not the God who made it clear that He IS Love... Not my God...
And so I continued searching. I continued praying.
My next 'crazy theory' (as I came to call the things I thought up that caused Traditional Christians to cry "blasphemy!") was that perhaps all of the major religions, even Mormonism, have some truth to them. After all, when I truly looked closely at their creeds, so many have so many similarities - both the 'good' and the 'bad'. It's astounding, really!
Then it went deeper... I remember specifically one night that my now-husband ~R~ and I were talking, and I had epiphany after epiphany after epiphany. "What if, when Jesus says, "I AM", what if he means... What if he means he's EVERYTHING? Like, EVERYTHING everything... The entire UNIVERSE! The good... and even the bad. Except it isn't bad, it's just... I dunno, vibration? And it all fits perfectly together, like the Yin and Yang symbol! What if..."
I wish I could remember more of that night, but truly I don't think I could put it into words even if I did. It's an experience I would share if I could... but I cannot. At least not right now. And that is beautiful.
All of that^ took place over the course of about 4 years, and the final 'yin and yang' piece of the puzzle had, I thought, completed my transformation, and my theories remained in the suspended state they had become for nearly a year.
...Then ~R~ sent me this video.
I was floored.
Admittedly there was some that did not 'resonate with me' (a term I have come to adopt), however it threw open a door that had to that point only been cracked. My curiosity was more than just piqued - it was on fire.
I spent the next week in a state of intense, almost overwhelming positive emotion as I searched for more and more clues. I researched relentlessly, feeling as though I was finally lapping up the knowledge that I had been thirsting for for centuries (and truly, I may have been - I believe that to be a possibility). The more I learned, the less I realized I knew... and the more Awakened I became.
Today I consider myself a pantheist (although, again, that word fails me). I know that I don't have all the answers, but I now understand that no one on this 3rd Dimensional plane does... and that it's meant to be exactly that way.
I don't know what I'll learn next, or when I'll learn it, but I do know that what I've gleaned so far has vastly transformed the entirety my life...
...and I've never been more grateful for anything.
This is all I'll say about my beliefs here. I will be starting another blog, though, and will be writing out many of the theories that come to me as I feel so drawn. I hope that all who read this post continue to live their Truth exactly as they see fit - which is exactly how I plan to live mine. May love and light be with you, always.
And so It Is.
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