Clarifications

I am so seriously sick and tired of hearing about how X isn’t “allowed” to see our daughter.  Seriously?? He isn’t allowed?? Wow… Let me clear that one up: he is MORE than “allowed” to see our daughter.  In fact, he is ENCOURAGED to see her.  But until there is a filed custody agreement, I’m not letting someone who has tried to screw me over again and again take the most precious person in my life out of my sight, because until we have that agreement, I have no guarantee that I’d ever get her back.   However (as I have told him many, many times) until then he is more than welcome to come and visit her, call her, or I’d even be willing to meet him somewhere for him to see her. 

As for him not seeing her, you’re absolutely right.  He hasn’t.  In fact, the last time he had her was August 17th, 2012.  When I told him he wouldn’t be taking her again until we have a filed agreement, he quit making contact entirely.  And it’s not like he can’t; all he needs is an escort and he can come by and see her.  I know it, he knows it.  And as soon as we have a custody agreement filed, he can obviously have her as much as it dictates.  But the ball is in his court, and he has yet to let me know what he wants changed or added to the agreement so we can even try to work on it.  I can’t and won’t do his homework for him.

Although, the one time since then that he HAS seen her was because I took her to his apartment on Halloween and banged on his door, begging him to come out and hug his daughter on Halloween.  Seriously, if I took her to him, how on earth am I “keeping her from him”??

I’m also quite tired of hearing how his mother and my biological mother “never get pictures” of K.  1^st of all, I don’t talk to my biological mother, but she is the one who deleted me from Facebook, not the other way around.  So the fact that she never sees pictures would be her own fault.  But 2^nd of all, there’s a reason I haven’t deleted X’s mother or X from Facebook: so they can see any pictures or videos I add of my daughter!  But if you’d like to keep complaining, I can certainly make sure it’s true.  After all, I’m not overly thrilled to have people who conspired to call CPS and are STILL trying to gather “evidence” against me (good luck; refer to one of my previous posts, in which I have the closing letter from CPS’s investigation posted for the whole world to see) having full access to my Facebook page.  So if you’d like to continue seeing the picture you do see, quit trying to tell everyone else that you “never” see any.  I’d be more than willing to make that true. (Afternote, so I guess X's mother deleted and blocked me from Facebook, too.  A recent change, b/c I remember seeing her w/in the past week.  But either way, that was *her* doing, not mine).

Oh, and to those previously mentioned, don’t try to feed me any BS about me being ‘paranoid’.  I have heard from MULTPLE sources the things people (namely X, X’s mother, and my own mother) have been doing in attempt to take my child from me.  So excuse me if I err on the side of caution when it comes to my daughter’s wellbeing.  I am not willing to lose my precious daughter, and I’m sure as hell not going to let anyone else take her from me out of spite.

For those who would ask me if not allowing X to take our daughter is really in her best interest, let me ask you this: If you knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that your ex and those influencing him/her were trying to take your CHILD from you, and were apparently willing to stop at little to nothing in doing so, would YOU risk letting him/her take your precious child out of your sight for even a MINUTE, especially when, in doing so, they could LEGALLY remove the child from the STATE and not tell you where that child was?? If you’d be brave enough to risk it, then good for you.  I, however, am not.

As long as I'm living, my mommy you'll be.... :'-(

Lately I really miss my mother... :-(  We’d gone for so long without talking when I was a kid, and I was so excited to have her back!  Now I’ve lost her all over again… She said, a lot, that she wished that we had a better relationship, and I couldn’t figure out what she meant.  Now I understand…

She’s said a lot of hurtful, untrue things about me, that I usually just laugh off (b/c let’s face it, a lot of it is really funny!).  But today I’m not laughing.  Today I’m crying because I can’t stop thinking of a promise she made me… And broke.  Well, promises, really.

She promised me once she’d never disown me.  She said I was her baby and she’s love me no matter what.  Now, in her own words, I’m dead to her.  She told me once that, after everything she’s ever done, she could and would never judge me.  That there wasn’t a thing I could say to her that would shock or offend her, or make her stop talking to me (this was said in response to one of our many conversations in which I told her I was nervous to tell her something b/c I thought she’d stop talking to me).  And yet, it wasn’t even something *I* said but something a *friend* of mine said to her on facebook while I wasn’t even online that made her block me from facebook. 

Yes, I told her I don’t want anything to do with her after that, but that was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.  She tried to take my baby!  She says I’m crazy, but literally all of the evidence points to it, including the phone call she made to a female friend of mine, J, as well as the voice messages she and my sister, B, both left on her phone.  As much as I love and miss my mother, I cannot – I will not – let her do anything to endanger my child. 

And why?? Because I upset her? Because I’m getting a divorce?? Because I finally took a stand and made up my own mind about something?  I know it can’t be because I don’t take care of her, because every pediatrician I’ve been to, every developmental researcher who’s assessed her, all say she’s perfectly healthy and happy, and that I’m a *good* mother.  So my question is, how have I suddenly become such a horrible person?? I still know, love, and fear God.  I still want to do His will (honestly, more now than ever before!), though I do still have my shortcomings.  I still try to take other people’s feelings and well-being into consideration when making decisions.  I still pay my taxes, I still abide by the law.  I, as a person, have not changed! I am not perfect, but I have never been perfect! But just because I wear tank-tops now, just because I am finally happy with someone I want to be with, doesn’t make me less of a person in God’s eyes.  …So why does it in hers?

I keep dreaming that she calls and apologizes, or that we have something that resembles a relationship again.  In one dream she even drove all the way up to my house to apologize to me.  Although I’ll never be able to fully trust her again, and although it would be a rocky road to have a relationship again, I’ve already forgiven her.  It just hurts now when I hear about the things that she says about me.  I don’t *want* to keep Keira from her.  I don’t *want* to not talk to her.  I certainly don’t want a relationship that is completely on *my* terms.  But I also will *not* let her take from me the greatest blessing God has ever seen fit to give me.  Maybe one day my dreams will come true, and we’ll be able to talk again, on some level.   Maybe someday… for now I’ll just hang on to hope that there *is* still hope…. And try not to let it get to me too much.

http://www.rogerknapp.com/inspire/loveforever.htm