So I usually try to avoid talking too much about my boyfriend, J, for a couple of reasons. First is that I know I can get extremely mushy, and I don't want to gross anybody out! Lol. Second, I don't want to offend X, should he ever read my blog. And third, I just don't want to deal w/the bull shit that I know would come from certain people. But today... today I just can't contain myself.
I am SO IN LOVE w/this man!! I haven't even seen him today, yet I can't stop thinking about him! That's not always the case, but today it definitely is. :-) I woke up thinking about him, I keep accidentally reminding myself of him, and now I simply can't WAIT til tomorrow when I'll get to see him again. :-)
Everything about him makes me happy. :-) Even when I get irritated w/him, he still manages to make me smile, and I love it. He makes me forget my past, helps me live in the present, and is a constant reminder that - while planning is always good - the future is a mystery and I shouldn't attempt to live in it.
I love all of his little quirks. Like how he has a habit of looking just over my right shoulder when he talks to me, instead of directly at me, and he doesn't even realize he does it. Or how I SWEAR he is part dog, since he's got crazy good eyesight, hearing, and sense of smell (not to mention he's the ONLY one the fleas in the yard like to attack! Lol).
I love how he challenges me. If he doesn't outright challenge me to do/learn something, just his attitude and perspective makes me want to learn more. :-) And his knowledge of the gospel and of Christ astounds me! I love having spiritual conversations w/him... They are always so meaningful to me. ^.^
I love that he has GOALS in life! Goals that he's reaching for and planning for and doing what is necessary to achieve. He wants to be an actor, and I think he'll be great at it! But he wants to make sure that, if that career path doesn't work out, he has something to fall back on, so he's getting his ducks all in a row before going to school for acting. I think the fact that he is making his dream a reality, especially since it's in a logical way, is incredibly sexy.
I love that we don't always agree on everything. I love that we have little arguments here and there. I love that we can get a little irritated at each other, but then make up in a timely manner and move on. I love that we don't let those little arguments turn into huge blowouts, but I also love that we *have* those disagreements, that it isn't completely neutral.
I love the way that he loves me. He gives me the best of him, and I try to give him the best of me. He does little things for me, like buy me Magic cards or make me a deck, or take out the trash and do the dishes if I'm busy or otherwise preoccupied. I love that he rinses off his dishes if I'm feeding K, or feeds K if I clear the table and rinse the dishes.
I love that we DO things! I love that he loves to go for walks w/me, and that we take K and the puppy. I love that we try to find something fun, some sort of activity, to do when we're bored. I love when we have down time, but I also LOVE *doing* things w/him! I ESPECIALLY love when he involves K. :-)
I love that he's considerate of K's needs. When planning activities, he keeps in mind her nap times, bed time, and feeding schedule, and I LOVE it. It lets me know that he's invested in her, too, not just in me. :-)
I love the way he remembers the things I like. I told him once I love it when he touches the back of my neck when he kisses me, so now he does it quite often and I get a thrill each time! I told him how I HATE taking out the trash, so now whenever he sees me about to do it he stops me and does it himself. :-) I told him that I really dislike playing black decks in the game of Magic, so he took back a deck he was going to give me (I felt bad about that, but it was still sweet!) He knows that I like when he calls me baby at certain times, so he does it. The list is endless! But he remembers, and I love that.
I love that I can make him laugh. I LOVE his laugh. And I love that he can make *me* laugh. Not just a giggle, but full out laugh to the point I think I'll pass out from lack of oxygen!
I love that he sacrifices things for me. For example, he was supposed to have a 'me' day yesterday, but instead he drove an hour round trip w/me to pick up a new couch and recliner. :-) It was incredibly sweet of him. I try to sacrifice for him, too, but truth be told I think he does more for me.
I love the feeling I get every time I think of him.... it's like my heart is complete. I can't think of anything I've ever felt - besides the love I have for my daughter - that could ever come close in comparison.
J, if you ever read this, I am so in love with you!!!
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Dreams...
I have phases. I think we all do. Some days I feel incredibly awful for hurting X the way I did, for disappointing so many people... in fact, some days I feel so horrible that I doubt my leaving him. I feel so bad for hurting him in the first place that I feel like the only way I can possibly make it right is to go back, however unhappy I may be.
Other days - well, most days, actually - I feel so good, SO happy, that I feel I could nearly burst w/joy. Those days I cannot get over just how blessed my life is, and how happy I am w/J. Luckily most of my time is spent feeling this way. :-)
Well, I've obviously done a lot of soul searching. I obviously stand by my decision to leave; I feel like it was the best thing for me and even for my daughter (she was very much aware of mommy's distress, and I could tell that it effected her, too). But the other night I had a dream that just seemed to solidify things for me...
I dreamed that I was getting married. I never discussed the groom’s name, nor did I even see him, but I knew he was getting married and I was on my way to the wedding. However, it seemed that so many people were determined to stop me! My mother, C, and my sister, B, showed up and tried to kidnap me (or something; I don’t quite remember), people kept giving me the wrong directions, and a band of evil robots (yes, robots haha) even tried to stop me. And yet, even as the odds piled against me, something marvelous would happen to help me win. For example, there was some sort of weird storm that stopped my mother and sister from kidnapping me. A bunch of good robots came and helped me fight the bad ones. Birds (yes, birds) ended up giving me the RIGHT directions to the chapel I was getting married in. Quite odd, I know, but rather amusing.
Finally I made it to the town the wedding was going to be held in. The chapel was several blocks up the street and so I ran as quickly as I could, and while I ran, the same birds who gave me good directions swooped all around me and by the time they were done they had replaced my clothes w/a beautiful gown (unfortunately, the gown was pink, so they had to do it again so it was white, but I was still very impressed that they could do it at all, considering I was running at top speed). I finally burst through the doors (suddenly I was a princess, though how I knew that I couldn’t tell you) and everyone cheered at the sight of me. It was all very cool.
Then I saw my groom. He was standing at the end of the aisle, smiling at me. It was J. :-3 Just seeing him, I was SO excited. Joy filled me, and I wanted so badly to run down to him and throw myself into his arms. But I had to wait for the wedding to proceed as expected, so I shifted from foot to foot impatiently as it progressed. The bridesmaids (my sisters, and a bunch of other little girls I’d never seen, w/K as the Maid of Honor) came out, the ring bearer, the flower girl, the groomsmen (J’s mother had to ask me who was supposed to be the Best Man, and when I said “I think it’s Anthony, but I’m not sure what he looks like” she said she’d find him), everyone. The there was some sort of musical number that was really cool, and finally it was my turn!
I did my best not to run down the aisle, but I was SO excited and SO happy to pledge my life to this man… I finally got down to him, and he took my hand and smiled. I smiled back, then looked at the preacher, but when I looked back…. Something was different. Something about J had changed, but for the life of me I could NOT figure out what! He looked different, he acted different, but I just could not pin-point it. All I knew, was suddenly things were NOT right, and I was now not only nervous and anxious, I was downright terrified.
The preacher got to the part where the groom was supposed to repeat after him (I do solemnly swear to take this woman as my wife, etc etc etc), and as each word passed his lips I became more and more upset, to the point that I felt I would be sick. Finally it was my turn, and I froze… I could NOT force myself to say it! Trembling, I stammered, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong w/me. I don’t know why, but I’m suddenly so nervous…” The Groom answered, “It’s okay, just calm down babe.” I leaned against his chest (just as I always lean against J’s chest when I’m upset) and he put one arm around me…
For some reason, that pushed me over the edge. If there was any doubt that I couldn’t do this before, it was gone now. I let go of his hand, backed away, and – apologizing – ran out. No sooner had the doors opened to the outside world did it finally click what had ‘changed’ when I looked to the preacher then back at J….
J had turned into X.
Up until that point, when the groom was J, I had been SO happy and excited, and not the slightest bit nervous or apprehensive. But when I looked away from him and he became X (even though my brain for some reason would not comprehend it), I was suddenly scared and insecure and nervous… If there was any doubt before that I am happy now and wasn’t (and wouldn’t be now) before w/X, that doubt is gone.
X is a good man. Always has been, and I pray he always will be. But he is not for me, nor I for him. I was not happy, and just like he deserves to be happy, so do I. I am finally happy. Even before I met J, I was happy. I tried to make it work, tried to be happy, but I wasn’t able to. Now that I have found happiness, I cannot and will not trade that simply because I loathe the thought of hurting anyone. Sacrifice w/in reason is acceptable and at times even expected, but I won’t let it go too far to avoid wounding some hearts. I should hope that no one else would, either.
Other days - well, most days, actually - I feel so good, SO happy, that I feel I could nearly burst w/joy. Those days I cannot get over just how blessed my life is, and how happy I am w/J. Luckily most of my time is spent feeling this way. :-)
Well, I've obviously done a lot of soul searching. I obviously stand by my decision to leave; I feel like it was the best thing for me and even for my daughter (she was very much aware of mommy's distress, and I could tell that it effected her, too). But the other night I had a dream that just seemed to solidify things for me...
I dreamed that I was getting married. I never discussed the groom’s name, nor did I even see him, but I knew he was getting married and I was on my way to the wedding. However, it seemed that so many people were determined to stop me! My mother, C, and my sister, B, showed up and tried to kidnap me (or something; I don’t quite remember), people kept giving me the wrong directions, and a band of evil robots (yes, robots haha) even tried to stop me. And yet, even as the odds piled against me, something marvelous would happen to help me win. For example, there was some sort of weird storm that stopped my mother and sister from kidnapping me. A bunch of good robots came and helped me fight the bad ones. Birds (yes, birds) ended up giving me the RIGHT directions to the chapel I was getting married in. Quite odd, I know, but rather amusing.
Finally I made it to the town the wedding was going to be held in. The chapel was several blocks up the street and so I ran as quickly as I could, and while I ran, the same birds who gave me good directions swooped all around me and by the time they were done they had replaced my clothes w/a beautiful gown (unfortunately, the gown was pink, so they had to do it again so it was white, but I was still very impressed that they could do it at all, considering I was running at top speed). I finally burst through the doors (suddenly I was a princess, though how I knew that I couldn’t tell you) and everyone cheered at the sight of me. It was all very cool.
Then I saw my groom. He was standing at the end of the aisle, smiling at me. It was J. :-3 Just seeing him, I was SO excited. Joy filled me, and I wanted so badly to run down to him and throw myself into his arms. But I had to wait for the wedding to proceed as expected, so I shifted from foot to foot impatiently as it progressed. The bridesmaids (my sisters, and a bunch of other little girls I’d never seen, w/K as the Maid of Honor) came out, the ring bearer, the flower girl, the groomsmen (J’s mother had to ask me who was supposed to be the Best Man, and when I said “I think it’s Anthony, but I’m not sure what he looks like” she said she’d find him), everyone. The there was some sort of musical number that was really cool, and finally it was my turn!
I did my best not to run down the aisle, but I was SO excited and SO happy to pledge my life to this man… I finally got down to him, and he took my hand and smiled. I smiled back, then looked at the preacher, but when I looked back…. Something was different. Something about J had changed, but for the life of me I could NOT figure out what! He looked different, he acted different, but I just could not pin-point it. All I knew, was suddenly things were NOT right, and I was now not only nervous and anxious, I was downright terrified.
The preacher got to the part where the groom was supposed to repeat after him (I do solemnly swear to take this woman as my wife, etc etc etc), and as each word passed his lips I became more and more upset, to the point that I felt I would be sick. Finally it was my turn, and I froze… I could NOT force myself to say it! Trembling, I stammered, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong w/me. I don’t know why, but I’m suddenly so nervous…” The Groom answered, “It’s okay, just calm down babe.” I leaned against his chest (just as I always lean against J’s chest when I’m upset) and he put one arm around me…
For some reason, that pushed me over the edge. If there was any doubt that I couldn’t do this before, it was gone now. I let go of his hand, backed away, and – apologizing – ran out. No sooner had the doors opened to the outside world did it finally click what had ‘changed’ when I looked to the preacher then back at J….
J had turned into X.
Up until that point, when the groom was J, I had been SO happy and excited, and not the slightest bit nervous or apprehensive. But when I looked away from him and he became X (even though my brain for some reason would not comprehend it), I was suddenly scared and insecure and nervous… If there was any doubt before that I am happy now and wasn’t (and wouldn’t be now) before w/X, that doubt is gone.
X is a good man. Always has been, and I pray he always will be. But he is not for me, nor I for him. I was not happy, and just like he deserves to be happy, so do I. I am finally happy. Even before I met J, I was happy. I tried to make it work, tried to be happy, but I wasn’t able to. Now that I have found happiness, I cannot and will not trade that simply because I loathe the thought of hurting anyone. Sacrifice w/in reason is acceptable and at times even expected, but I won’t let it go too far to avoid wounding some hearts. I should hope that no one else would, either.
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