Other days - well, most days, actually - I feel so good, SO happy, that I feel I could nearly burst w/joy. Those days I cannot get over just how blessed my life is, and how happy I am w/J. Luckily most of my time is spent feeling this way. :-)
Well, I've obviously done a lot of soul searching. I obviously stand by my decision to leave; I feel like it was the best thing for me and even for my daughter (she was very much aware of mommy's distress, and I could tell that it effected her, too). But the other night I had a dream that just seemed to solidify things for me...
I dreamed that I was getting married. I never discussed the groom’s name, nor did I even see him, but I knew he was getting married and I was on my way to the wedding. However, it seemed that so many people were determined to stop me! My mother, C, and my sister, B, showed up and tried to kidnap me (or something; I don’t quite remember), people kept giving me the wrong directions, and a band of evil robots (yes, robots haha) even tried to stop me. And yet, even as the odds piled against me, something marvelous would happen to help me win. For example, there was some sort of weird storm that stopped my mother and sister from kidnapping me. A bunch of good robots came and helped me fight the bad ones. Birds (yes, birds) ended up giving me the RIGHT directions to the chapel I was getting married in. Quite odd, I know, but rather amusing.
Finally I made it to the town the wedding was going to be held in. The chapel was several blocks up the street and so I ran as quickly as I could, and while I ran, the same birds who gave me good directions swooped all around me and by the time they were done they had replaced my clothes w/a beautiful gown (unfortunately, the gown was pink, so they had to do it again so it was white, but I was still very impressed that they could do it at all, considering I was running at top speed). I finally burst through the doors (suddenly I was a princess, though how I knew that I couldn’t tell you) and everyone cheered at the sight of me. It was all very cool.
Then I saw my groom. He was standing at the end of the aisle, smiling at me. It was J. :-3 Just seeing him, I was SO excited. Joy filled me, and I wanted so badly to run down to him and throw myself into his arms. But I had to wait for the wedding to proceed as expected, so I shifted from foot to foot impatiently as it progressed. The bridesmaids (my sisters, and a bunch of other little girls I’d never seen, w/K as the Maid of Honor) came out, the ring bearer, the flower girl, the groomsmen (J’s mother had to ask me who was supposed to be the Best Man, and when I said “I think it’s Anthony, but I’m not sure what he looks like” she said she’d find him), everyone. The there was some sort of musical number that was really cool, and finally it was my turn!
I did my best not to run down the aisle, but I was SO excited and SO happy to pledge my life to this man… I finally got down to him, and he took my hand and smiled. I smiled back, then looked at the preacher, but when I looked back…. Something was different. Something about J had changed, but for the life of me I could NOT figure out what! He looked different, he acted different, but I just could not pin-point it. All I knew, was suddenly things were NOT right, and I was now not only nervous and anxious, I was downright terrified.
The preacher got to the part where the groom was supposed to repeat after him (I do solemnly swear to take this woman as my wife, etc etc etc), and as each word passed his lips I became more and more upset, to the point that I felt I would be sick. Finally it was my turn, and I froze… I could NOT force myself to say it! Trembling, I stammered, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong w/me. I don’t know why, but I’m suddenly so nervous…” The Groom answered, “It’s okay, just calm down babe.” I leaned against his chest (just as I always lean against J’s chest when I’m upset) and he put one arm around me…
For some reason, that pushed me over the edge. If there was any doubt that I couldn’t do this before, it was gone now. I let go of his hand, backed away, and – apologizing – ran out. No sooner had the doors opened to the outside world did it finally click what had ‘changed’ when I looked to the preacher then back at J….
J had turned into X.
Up until that point, when the groom was J, I had been SO happy and excited, and not the slightest bit nervous or apprehensive. But when I looked away from him and he became X (even though my brain for some reason would not comprehend it), I was suddenly scared and insecure and nervous… If there was any doubt before that I am happy now and wasn’t (and wouldn’t be now) before w/X, that doubt is gone.
X is a good man. Always has been, and I pray he always will be. But he is not for me, nor I for him. I was not happy, and just like he deserves to be happy, so do I. I am finally happy. Even before I met J, I was happy. I tried to make it work, tried to be happy, but I wasn’t able to. Now that I have found happiness, I cannot and will not trade that simply because I loathe the thought of hurting anyone. Sacrifice w/in reason is acceptable and at times even expected, but I won’t let it go too far to avoid wounding some hearts. I should hope that no one else would, either.
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