"I'm home."

Every mom goes through it.  Your toddler is tired and cranky and in dire need of sleep.  So you put her to bed, tell her to stay put, and pray that maybe this time she won’t get out of bed!  And then, when you go to check on her… Her clothes have been pulled out of drawers, she’s traded her ‘night-time panties’ (pull-ups) for ‘big-girl princess panties’, ALL the diaper wipes have been pulled out of the container and…is that dye in her hair??? 

Okay, so maybe you’ve been through it minus the dye (that was pretty much my own fault.  Never, EVER, store Easter-egg dye in your toddler’s room, no matter how ‘out of reach’ you think it may be).  The point is that all parents know how frustrating those elusive nap-times or bed-times can be.

My daughter is currently two.  And – if you can’t tell from the prior two paragraphs – lately I have been struggling with getting her to stay in bed and go to sleep.  It has seemed that no matter what I do, she refuses to stay in her bed.  I’ve been about ready to pull my hair out, and I’ve started dreading nap and bed times more than she does!

Then today I read this article.

For those who don’t want to read the whole thing, it basically talks about how our toddlers just want to be with us, and that perhaps their seemingly ‘bad behavior’ when it’s time to rest is really just a cry for us to spend that extra five minutes of time with them.  Well, this article really touched me.

It’s an amazing article, and a great read, but that’s not exactly what touched me.  What got to me was that, while reading it, I remembered the last time I came into my daughter’s room to see that she had pulled out the entire contents of yet another box of diaper wipes.  She was wearing nothing but a fluffy pink tutu (not what she had gone to bed in) and was staring up at me from the midst of the diaper-wipe-mess, and she said ever-so-softly, as though it would completely eradicate my anger, “Mommy, I’m home.”

My response had been less-than-loving.  “Of course you’re home,” I had said as I hastily changed her back into her pajamas and made her clean up her mess.  “Now go to bed.”

Thinking back to that moment, only two nights ago, I can’t help but cringe.  You see, like so many parents in today’s world, I share custody of my daughter.  Every few months for the rest of her childhood she will spend anywhere from a few weeks to a few months with her father.  

So when she looked up at me with those deep blue eyes, maybe she wasn’t trying to get out of trouble.  Maybe, on some level, she was reminding me… “Mommy, I’m home.  I’m here, with you, now.  I won’t be next month.  I won’t be for my third birthday.  But right now, even though you’re upset, I’m home.”

Even for those of us who don’t have to share custody, we can learn from this… Our babies are home, but they won’t always be.  Maybe yours won’t leave until he or she is 18, but one day in the too-soon future, they won’t want us to read to them or sing to them or cuddle them as they fall asleep.  And that’s when we’ll wish we had.

Today I sang my beautiful girl to sleep, stroking her hair as she fought with all her might to keep her heavy eyelids open.  I held her once she had drifted off to dream land, and I couldn’t help but get a little teary-eyed as I watched her peaceful face.  These are the moments that I will remember, long after she is grown and gone with babies of her own, not the messes or the anger.  These are the moments I want to hang on to, while my baby is “home”.

I am so glad that I came to this realization now, rather than once it was too late.

Announcements!

So it’s been a while since I’ve written.  Seems I’m falling into a bit of a pattern… writing every month or two that is haha.  But anyway, because it’s been a while, I’m happy to announce that I have a bunch of announcements! 

My first announcement is that J officially asked me to marry him!!!



He asked me on June 24^th, which also happens to be his birthday.  It was amazing!! He took me up high into a mountain to a mountain lake, then walked with me hand-in-hand until we got to this big boulder that was surrounded by water.  Once we were up on the boulder he started telling me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me and how much of a blessing I am in his life… then he got down on one knee, pulled out a ring, and asked me to marry him!!! Of course I said yes!!  We are now planning our wedding for June 21^st of 2014, and I couldn’t be happier :-)



My next announcement is both sad and happy.  The sad part is that K is away from me… She is spending the summer with her dad, and I’m very happy that they get this time together, but she’s been gone over a month now and it has been one of the hardest months of my life….  But the good news is that she will officially be back next month!  It’s longer than a month, but it’s *next* month, so I’m a happy momma :-)

Also, my divorce is officially final!  That’s not necessarily a ‘good’ thing, but I am happy it is finally done and over.  I mean, it’s been a year and a half coming! (Stupid NC laws).

Finally, I published my book!!! Well, part one.  I am so excited!!  This is the synopsis:

In her third year at Elmnar Military School, nineteen year old Miriel begins to feel overwhelmed by the difficulties that school, romance, and parents present. When she takes a short vacation to clear her head, she finds herself on the brink of death and is saved by none other than a Dark Elf – the most hated race among the Surface World – named Draugminaion, opening the door to a very unusual friendship. To repay him for saving her life, Miriel agrees to help Drau enroll in her school and overcome the animosity of the students and staff. There the two young elves face the hardships of discrimination, forge many new friendships, and experience the joys and heartbreaks of love. For Miriel, things have never been more confusing. For Draugminaion, life has never been better. But when the kin he left behind threaten to ruin everything, the unlikely pair must bring together a school of prejudiced Surface Elves to face something out of their darkest nightmares.

You can get it here, if you want to check it out.

So anyway, that’s what’s been up.  Other than that, I’ve just been getting ready to start school again, giving more lessons in order to save up for the Wedding, and trying to be supportive as J tries to find another job to help save up as well.  What can I say? I guess I’m boring lol. :-)

Learning

                I have been doing a LOT of thinking lately.  It’s hard not to, my mind is a crazy place, haha.  But seriously, with everything that has been going on, and all that has been happening, I have spent a lot of time reflecting on the past few years.

                First of all, I’m happy to announce that X and I seem to be finally trying to put aside our differences and work together, if for no other reason than because we both love K.  However, for me it is much more than that: I still care deeply for him.  How can I not??  He was my best friend for over five years!  I know that some people don’t like to consider that, but it’s true.  And as angry and betrayed and hurt as I felt when he was trying to take K from me, I never stopped caring.  As I told him, I do sincerely hope we can be friends again one day.  For now, at least, we are being friendly, and we are trying to trust each other more.  That means more to me than I can say.

                That has had me reflecting on several things in my past.  The first being that I truly never meant to hurt him.  It breaks my heart that I broke his, and it probably always will.  But he says he understands that, now.  He agrees my attempt to spare him was extremely stupid in the long-haul, but he says he understands.  That’s more than I would have dared hoped for a year ago. 

                Another thing I have been reflecting on concerns an entirely different aspect of my life.  I have been thinking of how, in years past, I have gotten my heart broken again and again, just like I broke X’s.  I used to think it was pre-Karma, if you will.  To me, it was like God had punished me before-hand for the heartache I was going to deal X (obviously I know that’s not how He works, it just felt like it).  But I have come to realize that was never true.  I have realized I didn’t deserve it.  No tear shed, no splintering pain through my heart, no overwhelming emotional darkness, no begged plea to talk to me because I didn’t mean to upset you was deserved.  It was life, and it hurt, but I didn’t ‘earn’ it in any way.  But I have learned from it.

I have learned that the past can hurt, but it doesn’t have to.  I have learned that I don’t need to let the heartache from my past rule the actions of my future.  I have learned that I don’t have to grovel and beg for love or forgiveness; that those who truly love me will never make me do either.  I have learned that I am worth far, far more than what was dealt to me in the past.  And most importantly, I have learned that I am worthy of the love and devotion of a man whom I love more than I could ever have dreamed possibly – and I truly mean that – and that though I will never be worthy of our Father’s love, that His grace extends even to one such as I. 

I have learned many things, and I will never let anyone take that knowledge from me.

So all in all, I have been reflecting a lot.  And though I may not like some of what I see, the overall big picture looks better and better to me as each day passes.

Children are like Crystals

In my house there is a rule: no yelling at each other.  I *despise* yelling.  I hate it with all of my being.  I am a peace-loving person, and the thought of my loved ones being at each others' throats makes me feel quite ill.  There is enough violence and hatred in the world today; I don't want it to be in my home, as well.

And yet, I do yell.  Not at my daughter K, not at J, not at any person, and not constantly.  But it *does* happen.  The only time it *does* happen is when my dogs (I have four) start getting rambunctious, or loud, or when they pee on the floor (fortunately they're all almost completely housebroken! haha).  That's the only time, and I'm strict about keeping it that way.

I've been feeling pretty proud of myself for that.  I mean, after all, I'm a full-time mom, a piano teacher from 3-7 *on top* of being a mom, a housekeeper, a landlord, and I'm raising four *young* dogs.  The fact that I only yell when the dogs misbehave (and even then, it isn't often) has had me feeling pretty good about myself!  I mean, I never yell at my boyfriend.  We never yell at K.  So I must be a pretty good mom, right??

Then this morning I had a bit of an epiphany.  I'm not a bad mom, or anything, but I *definitely* have room for improvement.  Just because I'm not yelling at K doesn't mean that when I *do* yell it doesn't affect her.

"Wake up, Amber!" I told myself.  "You're a certified Energy Therapist!  You deal with good and negative energy all the time!  You know the influence it can have on people, even if only in passing!"  Wow, was that a wake-up call.  I may not yell *often*, and I may never yell at K, but I know good and well that when I *do* yell, each and every time K looks up at me with sad eyes and softly says, "Mamma..." and it breaks my heart *every* *single* *time*.  You'd think that would be enough of an indicator that my yelling *does* affect her, however rare and brief it may be.  But I'm human, and can also be very hard-headed from time to time, I'm afraid.

Then I thought about the crystals experiment.  For those who don't know what that is, I've included one of the many pictures.  To the right (at least, to the right on here, it could change on the actual blog, haha) is an image of five water crystals, each of which having had piece of paper with something written on it taped to it (or said to it, or whatever).  Isn't it amazing how the positive words made for gorgeous crystals, while the negative words (or lack of positivity) caused them to be ugly and unattractive?  That's because energy has a PROFOUND effect on every living thing.  Children are NO exception.

I told myself then and there to remember two very important things: 1, dogs are like children.  They need love, acceptance, and *patience* in raising them.  They will make mistakes, but rather than punish them, they need to be taught just as I would teach my daughter.  2, children are like crystals.  We may not realize the messages we are sending them, or the behaviors we are teaching them, especially when it is done in passing (such as my yelling at the dogs from time to time).  But the words we say - even to other people! - DO effect them!  If we surround them with love, kind words, patience, and all other good things, they will grow up to be beautiful, kind people, inside and out.  I'd rather not think about what they could become when surrounded by negativity...

I made myself a promise today, that I would only surround Keira with GOOD things.  That we would live in harmony, even if that means holding my breath when I'm angry with the dogs, rather than yelling at them (that's a joke, I hope you find the humor lol).  I want to someday be able to look at the beautiful person my daughter has become and know that, at least on some level, I'm part of the reason she is such a wonderful person.

Personal Miracles

Today I received a small (albeit huge to me!) personal miracle.

For quite some time I have been struggling with my self image.  Not who I am as a person (I feel quite good about that aspect of myself), but rather how I *look*.  I have been struggling with my weight and every time I look in the mirror I have felt so unattractive.  It has, at points, brought me to tears.  Despite my constant struggle (and almost-diligence lol) to eat healthy and exercise, I have not been able to lose the weight.  So I did what I figured was the only thing I *could* do: I turned it over to God.

At first I lost a few pounds, which was amazing to me, but the change was subtle at best.  In my eyes, I was still so very unattractive.  And after those first few pounds, I stopped losing weight! I was so confused.  I had turned it over to God, hadn't I? I was still eating healthy, and I was exercising every day... why wasn't I losing weight??

Then, this morning, there was a change in me: I looked in the mirror and, for the first time in **months**, I thought I looked truly sexy.  Not "I'm-wearing-makeup-so-of-course-I'm-beautiful" sexy, but actually *sexy*!  For the first time in I don't know how long, rather than seeing a pudgy stomach, I saw fantastic curves.  Rather than seeing a chest that I thought had been ruined by pregnancy, I saw beauty!  Rather than seeing huge, thick thighs, I saw shapely legs (and a great ass, if I do say so myself lol).  For the first time in what feels like **forever**, I saw **beauty** in my body.  I looked - and felt! - attractive!  And I hadn't even done my hair yet!

When I turned my situation over to God, I expected Him to help me lose weight, and then I was frustrated when it wasn't happening the way that I wanted it to!  But he had a different agenda; rather than changing the image the mirror saw, he changed how that image looked to *me*!  He gave me my self-esteem back, which I will take over losing weight ANY DAY!

This past year has been tumultuous and stressful, and the added stress of low self-esteem has certainly not helped that.  But it has also been one of the most fulfilling years of my life, and this seems to be the cherry on top.  So I declare THANK YOU!! Thank you, God, for changing ME!! For changing how I look, how I act, how I dress, what I want, what I need... Thank you for it ALL!! I know I still have light-years to go, but THANK YOU for being with me EVERY STEP OF THE WAY!!!

Spare the Children

I am heartbroken. 

The other day I was served with papers: X is suing me for full custody of K.  I am not heartbroken because I’m afraid I’ll lose.  In all honesty, I’m not afraid I’ll lose at all; I am more than confidant that the law is on my side.  No, I am heartbroken that someone could hate me so much that they would be willing to hurt my baby in order to get back at me.  Because at this point, that’s all it is: getting back at me.  And even if he did succeed, he would not just be hurting me… he would be hurting the one person who is innocent in all of this: K.

In her entire life, he has seen and been with her for a very short time.  In fact, if you condense it down, he has been with her 2, maybe 3 months of her entire life.  Now, I know a large portion of that is not his fault, as he was deployed for the first eight months of her life, but after he got home he had every opportunity to see her.  He had every opportunity to get to know her.  Even until August 17^th, 2012, he had free reign to take her with him and love on her and care for her.  Since then, I have begged him countless times, even going to his apartment one at least two occasions to do so, to come and see his daughter and get to know her.   And yet, the number of times he has seen her since August I can count on one hand; before that he barely paid her any attention when he did have her.  He cannot truthfully say I have denied him contact with our daughter, because I have begged him to come and see her, and I have begged him to tell me what to change on the agreement so he would sign it and he could take her again (which, once he finally told me, I did).  And yet, he somehow blames me for the fact that she does not know him and does not like him when he comes to visit. 

She knows mommy.  I want her to know her father (like I said, I have begged for it to be so!), but she does not.  She knows mommy.  She knows that mommy loves her and takes care of her and makes sure that her needs are met.  She does not know her father.  And yet he would rip her from the home that she knows???

Does he know her routine?? Does he know what she does and does not like to eat?  Or what kind of music she likes to listen to?  Does he know that she likes to sit at the piano with you and listen to you play, or that she loves to hit the keys and see what different sounds they make?? Does he know that, in the morning, she loves to cuddle with you and her blankie for five to ten minutes?  Does he have the time to do that for her??

Does he know what kind of sippy cups she likes, or how to qualm an oncoming temper tantrum with kind words and hugs?? Does he know how fiercely independent she wants to be, and how to help her without causing her to lose that feeling of independence?  Does he know which moods are the ‘hugs and kisses’ moods and which moods are the ‘chase me around the house’ moods?  Does he know which moods are the ‘let me figure it out by myself’ moods??

Does he know her bedtime routine??  Does he know that, after a song, prayer, hugs, and kisses, that she likes to point to her nose, her mouth, her eyes, her ears, her belly button?  Or that she likes to do the same to you while naming each one, before she finally has to say good night?? Does he have the time or patience to do any of that???

I do.  Her entire life, that is what I have done.  Her every need has been met by me.  Her tears have all been wiped away by me.  Her bad dreams chased away because I have run into her room in the middle of the night to hold her.  Every cough, every sneeze, every runny nose has been cared for by her mommy.  When I leave, even for just a few minutes, she cries.  When I come back, she wears the biggest grin I have ever seen.  Tearing her away from me – a perfectly fit and loving mother – would break her heart.

I love my daughter with all of my heart, and I am a good mother.  In front of God, a judge, and whatever witnesses, I will prove exactly that.  I will never say that her father cannot see her (I have been begging him to do exactly that for months!), but I will not stand down; I will prove that she belongs with me, in my home. 

I tried, and tried, and tried to negotiate joint custody with him.  Lord knows I did the best I could.  I was still offering it by the time the divorce was through; I said as much while he was on the phone w/me (I assume in front of his command) and while he was here with his escort.  I have said it here on my blog, as far as I can remember.  Now I guess the chips will land where they may.  I will put my faith in God, as well as in the law.  I guess we’ll see what happens next.

Subject Line: You've lost it

I don't need an email.  I know you check up on my blog.  So, mother, here is my response:

If CJ doesn't want contact with you, I'd presume it's because I let her hear what you wrote about her.  I'd written you an email to keep it private and *between us*, but since you went ahead and forwarded our conversation to Alex, Maren, and Grandma, I figured why not, she may want to know what our mother has to say about her.

And FYI, I don't feel like there are things 'hiding' behind every word.  I feel like it is HER business, and if she wants to tell me she will, and I will be privileged to hear it!  Just because she is your daughter does NOT mean you are entitled to hear every detail of her life, so grow up.  There are no shadows.  There is only PRIVACY, and her decision whether or not to share it.

Oh and by the way, I AM proud.  She is my SISTER.  I am proud of her, just as I am proud of Brittany for doing what she feels is right, Danielle just for being Danielle (she's a pretty awesome kid), and Patrick for putting up with YOUR abusive bullshit. And though Chrissy may have done some stupid stuff, who hasn't??? We've all done stupid crap, even if it's not always the same stupid crap.  I'm still VERY proud of her.  And if she's turned out just like me, then kudos to her! At least that means she doesn't let people push her around and walk all over her.  But personally, I think she's much better than me, and I'd very much like to be like her in a lot of ways.