Relating to a Prophet

Sitting here tonight I felt compelled to watch The Prince of Egypt.  I absolutely love this movie, as it holds some great moral value and it tells one of my favorite bible stories.  But tonight it’s different, in a way, than it usually is when I watch it. 

The first thing I noticed was that I felt so warm, so happy, while I was watching it.  I felt like my heart would burst from my chest, so great was the feeling of utter contentedness and peace.  And as I watched further, I realized a new connection to the great Prophet, Moses, which I never had before…

Although Moses was a Prophet, a Prince, and obviously of far more importance than I – as far as the world is concerned, anyway – he and I now share a great similarity.  Not far into the movie, Prince Moses runs into his sister and brother, whom he does not know.  His sister tells him that he is their flesh and blood, and he doesn’t believe her.  This is quite understandable, considering that he was raised his entire life believing that he was a Prince of Egypt.  Well in the next scene he runs home and the song All I’ve Ever Wanted plays.  In it he is saying that “this is [his] home,” and that if anyone says otherwise they “couldn’t be more wrong.”  Of course, not long after that he discovers that he really is the son of a slave, and that his entire life’s story had been a fabrication.

Although I wasn’t lied to about being adopted – trust me; I’ve seen my dad’s kid pictures and we’re pretty much identical at the age of 10 – I have had something just as devastating happen, in my opinion: I grew up believing that I was a member of the One True Church, the only church that had the “fullness of the gospel” and that God, Himself, had come to the earth and told a young man to restore His church to the earth.  Then I started doing research, and it became evident that I had been living a lie.

Like Moses did in his song, I at first denied it.  It couldn’t be true.  There was no way the Church wasn’t the ‘true’ church.  Simple, blatant denial was my first response.  But then each bit of evidence became apparent.  Each fact, each journal entry, each video and lecture, all started to make the truth clear.  And then I felt lost.  And betrayed.  And hurt.  In fact I was – and part of me is, still – experiencing so many emotions that I wasn’t sure which one to feel!  But slowly I started to resolve those feelings.  The confusion gave way to surety.  The hurt gave way to resignation.  And the anger gave way to peace. 

While I still have a great deal to go before each of my many emotions sort themselves out, I can say that I hope to be just like Moses.  I may never part a large body of water, or lead a nation of people out of my homeland (I think it’s safe to say I’ll never do either of those things, actually), I do hope that someday soon all of my negative feelings concerning the religion I grew up in will dissipate entirely, and that it can be placed entirely with love.  Love for God, love for His word, and love for my fellow man.  I hope that I, like Moses, can do God’s will in all things, and that He will be proud of me.  This is my hope.  And I shall not rest until it becomes my reality.

To Judge or Not to Judge

I've been doing a good deal of thinking lately.  In the past few days - and weeks and months - I've encountered a lot of judging.  Some of that judging has been good.  For example, if someone thinks that you are trustworthy and you really are, that would be a good judgement call.  However a great deal, if not most, of that judging has been hurtful and unnecessary.

Matthew 7:1-3 says "Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with that judgement ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.  And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?"  This has always been one of my favorite passages from the New Testament, and right now it holds so much meaning for me.  There have been so many that have passed judgement on me lately, and that pains me deeply.  So many that have said things like, "You're just doing this because it's easier," or "You have to be lying; I know you love 'X'," or "You just want to be able to do things you should be doing without feeling guilty."  Well I honestly have to wonder: all of you who have judged me, who have, in essence, 'cast the first stone'... who are you to judge?  Have you seen inside my soul to my deepest thoughts, wishes, regrets, and desires?  Have you felt what I feel?  Have you lived my life?  Do you know what I know or do what I do or think the things I think?  ...I didn't think so.  So, that being said, who are you to judge me?

In saying all of this I am filled with shame, because I realize that I have been judging, as well.  I have felt very attacked over the past few months, and very vulnerable, and in turn I've become angry with those who have passed judgement on me and my actions.  That is not right, and I am sorry.  I have no more room to judge than anyone else.  All I can hope to do and should do is to love my fellow brother and sister.  To practice charity, and to be as Christ-like as possible on this earth.  It is not for me to judge why you do things.  It is not for me to judge what you should say or how you should say it.  It is certainly not for me to judge whether you are right or wrong in theology, religion, politics, or any other matter that does not rely on absolute certainty.  Just as you have no room to judge me, I have no room to judge you.

That being said, I would like to point out that there is only One who has the authority - or capability, for that matter - to fairly judge us.  That One is God.  He is our Creator, and only He should judge us.  It is not our job to judge, it is our job to love.  Leave judgement up to Him.  Matthew 7:5 says "Though hypocrite, first cast the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of they brother's eye."  But I would like you to consider something: when will we truly have cast the 'beam' out of our own eye?  When will we have rid ourselves of sin enough to judge others, even in righteousness?  We cannot.  It is done only through Christ our Savior, and my guess is that unless He changes His methods soon, it won't happen for any of us in this life.

Don't be the victim of judgement.  For either way, you will be a victim.  If you are the judged, you are hurt by the actions of others.  If you are the one doing the judging, you are hurting not only those around, innocent and guilty alike, but you are also hurting yourself.  I hope and pray each of us will keep that in mind.

Regrets

Wise men - and women - will tell you to live your life with no regrets.  Some may say they have no regrets, only lessons learned.  But I'm here to tell you that there are a few things in life that I regret.  A few things that I really do wish I could take back.

Believe it or not, getting married isn't one of my regrets.  Do I think I should have done it?  No.  No, I definitely should have waited, should have had the guts to say no in the first place.  But I don't regret it.  That one is a lesson learned, and it wasn't all bad.  True, a very large portion of it I was miserable for, but X has always been a good friend, so I can't and won't say that it was a "bad thing".  No, getting married is not a regret.

But hurting X is.  For the past 4 1/2, almost 5 years, X has been my best friend.  True, for the most part we only talked about sexual things, but I was still able to turn to him when I needed a shoulder to cry on, or when I wanted someone to take my side.  He knew a great deal about me, and I him.  And he was my best friend.  It wasn't his fault that I didn't have the guts to tell him that's all I wanted from him.  It wasn't his fault that I said yes when he proposed, even though I knew I should have said no.  It wasn't his fault that I followed through with the wedding.  And it certainly wasn't his fault when I finally came to him and told him how I've been feeling and why.

Over the past few months I have watched his heart break and heal a couple of times, and each time it breaks again, mine breaks with it.  He is hurting, and I know how he feels, and that kills me.  He doesn't deserve that.  He's never deserved that.  He deserves to be with someone who loves him with all that she is, and who won't break his heart like I have.

There have been times when I've felts so bad about hurting him, so guilty for causing the pain on his face, that I've almost said, "Never mind, I don't want a divorce anymore," just to appease him.  But if I stay, that's all it would ever be: an attempt on my part to appease him, to avoid hurting him.  But that's what got me into this mess in the first place.  And he doesn't deserve that, either.

Apologies

I have done a little bit of thinking (okay, more like a lot of thinking) and I have some apologizing to do.  A few things I will say privately to the people I feel I have offended, but there are some that I want to say here.

The first is not an apology to man at all, but rather to God.  I suppose I'm not actually apologizing right now (I did that earlier, in private) but publicly acknowledging what I have done wrong.

Last night I was reading in Matthew (I'm starting the New Testament over) and I started thinking about several of the things I've done wrong in my life.  I was filled with sorrow and anguish as I realized how sinful of a person I am, and have been.  I started worrying that I could never get into Heaven with all that I've done.  After all, how could God let a sinner like me into his midst.  Partly to comfort myself, I reminded myself that it is only through the Savior that we are saved.  Still, that wasn't a good enough answer for me; I wanted something I could do, something that would gain me Eternal Salvation.

Out of the blue, the story of Jesus and the rich man came to my mind (see Matthew 19:16-30).  For those who aren't familiar with it, the story is about a rich young man who comes to Jesus and asks him what he can do.  Jesus responds that there is "none good but one, that is, God" (Matthew 19:17), but that he ought to keep the commandments.  But that wasn't good enough for the rich young man.  He wanted something he could do.  Like me, he wanted to know what specific things he needed to do to be saved.  Jesus knew his heart, of course, knew what he wanted, and told him to sell all that he had and give it to the poor.

I believe that the purpose of what the Lord told him wasn't to say, "It is by these things that you may gain salvation."  Rather, I believe with all of my heart that He was telling us, "Your works will not get you into my Kingdom, for I am God, and only God is good; it is through me that you are saved."  If we love Him we want to keep His commandments, but it is not through our own works that we are saved.

As soon as I realized this, I was filled with humility and even shame.  My whole life I have believed that in order to gain glory in Heaven was to do things, and now that my beliefs are changing (not the core beliefs, of course), I still looked to the familiar for comfort.  So my first apology is that I have presumed that I could save myself - or even just gain greater glory - by my own works.  I know now how wrong that thought process is, and I am truly sorry for it.

My second apology is towards many friends and strangers.  I never did anything to them, so I will apologize here rather than directly to each of their faces, as many of them I rarely if ever speak to, if I ever spoke to them at all.  You see, I have been guilty of thinking something about them.  They each have one thing in common: they left the Mormon Church.  And when they did, I thought to myself that they had lost their way. At times I thought - and even said to others, I'm afraid - the following: "I know [he/she/they] know[s] it's true, but I think it's easier for [him/her/them] to pretend it's not right now.  Hopefully later things will change and [he/she/they]'ll come back."

I am so ashamed that I had indulged in that kind of thinking, and participated in that kind of thinking.  Who am I to presume to 'know' what someone believes?  I didn't realize how hurtful that could be until last night, when I was talking to a dear friend of mine.  I told him of my new-found position on the Church, and he was understandably quite upset.  One of the things he said to me was, "I know you still know it's true, you just..." (it trails off because I was actually quite offended and wasn't paying attention after that).  The fact was - and I pointed this out to him - no, he did not 'know that I know it's true'.  In fact, I am so sure now that it isn't, only solid evidence proving the things I've recently found out wrong could change my mind.

That's when I realized that I have been guilty of doing the exact same thing my friend did to me.  The only difference is that I never said it directly to my friends' (or strangers) faces.  Often it was only in my mind that I said it.  But it still happened.  I presumed to know someone else's beliefs, without even taking the time to listen to their side of the story.  And for that I am truly sorry, and I apologize.

Finally, I wish to apologize to any Mormons who may have read or are reading my blog.  I realize that there have been times when I may have come across as trying to convert people away from Mormonism, and I am sorry for that.  Please know that that is not and has never been my intention.  If and when I speak of the Church, I am merely stating my position and discussing my findings.  It's sort of like therapy for me, but rather than paying someone $100 or more an hour to talk about it, I just write it out.  Please know that I'm not trying to criticize the Mormon Church or its members, and if at any time I offend anyone, I truly apologize.

Well, that's all I can think of to apologize for, which I guess isn't too bad, all things considering.  Just bear in mind the following things: 1) It is only through our Savior that we can be saved; nothing that we do can change or amplify our 'saved status'.  Christ is our only Saving Grace.  2) Don't presume to know what other people are thinking or feeling, about anything.  You don't know;  you can only guess.  Besides, you don't want others to do that for you, do you? And 3) If I ever offend you by what I write, please know that that is not my intent at all.  I only wish to spread the Savior's love, really.  This blog is just a public journal of my thoughts, feelings, experiences, and findings.  And trust me, they won't all be religion-based. ;-)

Faith and Supression

Alright, a little more back story for those who haven't caught on: I grew up LDS (Mormon).  My entire life I believed without any doubt in my mind that the LDS Church was the 'One true Church' and had the 'fullness of the gospel'.  Recently, a very good friend of mine asked me where reference to one of the Mormon beliefs could be found in the bible.  I didn't know, but I promised to find it and show it to him.  There was one problem though: it was not there.

That piqued a lot of interest, so I started studying that particular Mormon belief, and was shocked to find a few other things with which I had a serious problem.  I started doing research.  First I only used Church-friendly sources, and that raised more questions, as several things contradict themselves.  Then I started looking into neutral areas, veering clear of all anti-Mormon literature.  Then I looked at some of the anti-Mormon literature that was actually respectful (and by that I mean did not try to bash the church or make public sacred things, and only used reputable facts).  To say I was shocked and appalled was a bit of an understatement.  Here are a few of my findings:

Joseph Smith was married to 34 wives.  That part I knew.  What I did not know was that 11 of those wives had living husbands.  I also did not know that some were as young as 14.

I learned growing up that the reason there was polygamy was because the men were being killed off and the widows needed someone to support them.  While this was true, I have recently learned that many wives that were taken on by married men actually were not widows (though many others were).

I learned that it used to be taught that in order to get into the Celestial Kingdom (the highest Kingdom of Heaven) a man had to have more than one wife.  That is no longer taught.  Another thing that is no longer taught is that black men and women will only get to the Celestial Kingdom as 'servants' (now it is taught that they will have the same Glory as anyone else).  These teachings would obviously be disturbing to me, even if they are no longer taught.  Furthermore, the fact that the teachings changed only goes to show that the Mormon doctrine has changed over time (as evident in other cases, as well).  Well if it's God's Word, isn't it supposed to stay the same yesterday, today, and forever??

I learned that a couple of things that Joseph Smith translated from Ancient Egyptian papyrus(located at the end of the Mormon scriptures) mean absolutely *nothing* close to what Joseph said that they meant.  In fact, they are traditional funeral script.  Alright, well tell me this: how on earth could the 'Book of Abraham' that the Mormons have actually come from traditional funeral script which actually has nothing at all to do with Abraham?

These are just a few things, but they are very large in importance.  So I decided to ask someone from the church about them.

Yesterday I had the LDS missionaries over to my house.  My intention was not at all to disprove them, or to try to convert them away from mormonism, or anything of the sort.  I merely wanted answers.  If they had the answers I sought, I would be happy and could easily continue practicing mormonism.  However, they had no answers.

Instead, they told me to ignore all of that.  They said that as long as the Book of Mormon was true, none of that mattered.  Their were probably answers, but were they really important when it came to my Salvation?  They challenged me to stop researching these questions - at least for a time - and focus solely on reading the Book of Mormon and gaining a testimony.  Because, after all, it is the cornerstone of our faith.

I had a few problems with that.  First of all, the Book of Mormon should not be the cornerstone of our faith. Christ should be.  End of story.  Even the Bible, as great of a tool as it is, is not the cornerstone of Christianity; Christ is.  If they had said it is *a* cornerstone, I could have lived with that.  But my whole life I have been taught to believe that the Book of Mormon is the cornerstone, that it is what we build our church off of.  Because after all, if it is wrong then mormonism is completely incorrect.  But my faith is in Christ, as it should be, with tools and resources to support His word.

Second of all, why tell me to stop seeking answers?? Aren't we taught in the Bible "Ask and it shall be given unto you; seek and he shall find," (Matt 7:7)?  Is that limited strictly to those converting *into* Christianity and Mormonism, and exclude those already there who are having questions?  Yes, we are told to have faith, but should that faith be blind?? I think not, and Proverbs 14:15 supports me: "The simple believeth every word: but the prudent man looketh well to his going."  I'd rather not be 'simple'.

Thirdly, my findings do matter, and not just for myself!  Let me ask you this: Let's say you are a devout believer in Christ.  Now let's say that someone comes to you and says "I can *prove* to you that he married a woman who already had a *living husband*, he faked many of his miracles, and he lied to many people", and they actually could *prove* it.  Not with biased, possibly forged documents or hear-say, but with reputable, hard-core facts.  Wouldn't that make you rethink some things?  And don't say to yourself "Well no it wouldn't, because He is the Savior and nothing is going to change that."  I know He's the Savior.  You know He's the Savior.  We both know that that couldn't and won't happen.  But work with me here, and for argument's sake, pretend that it could, and that it did.  I'm sorry, but only the very simple minded *wouldn't* seek answers to those questions.  It might be upsetting, but each of us would be forced to face those facts, would we not??  If those things had happened, that would mean He could not be the Savior.

Likewise, if the things I learned about Joseph Smith are true, he simply could not be a Prophet of God.  A Prophet of God upholds God's commandments.  Joseph Smith often didn't even adhere to the Word of Wisdom, let alone more important laws such as avoiding adultery (because marrying someone who already has a living husband is definitely adultery.  Sorry, but it is).  And I highly doubt that God would call someone who is making a mockery of His word to translate another Testament of Christ (the Book of Mormon).  If He did, He would be contradicting everything we know to be true from the Bible.  Therefore, if these things that I've found out are true, then Joseph Smith was not a Prophet of God.  If he was not a Prophet of God, then the Book of Mormon is not true.  If the Book of Mormon is not true and Joseph Smith wasn't a Prophet of God, then the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is not the One True Church.  So yes, it matters.  It matters very much.

Unfortunately I could not get any answers from the missionaries, though they've promised to get me the number to the Stake President.  I will go to him with my questions to get answers - again, my goal is *not* to disprove anyone; I just want the truth - and see if he has them.  In the mean time, I will continue my research.  But I must say, with every passing day I am more and more convinced that the Mormon Church is nothing more than a hoax that a man from New York put together.  Yes it teaches good morals and has good doctrine, but a hoax is a hoax, no matter how it is portrayed.  And that is something I will not be part of.

Back Story

What I'm about to write has a lot of private information about myself.  I'm laying it out there knowing I will be judged.  But I ask you to keep one thing in mind: It is not your job to determine the quality of my character, my moral standing with God, or my relationship with our Savior.  If you think you can read this without doing any of those things, then read on.  If not, you might as well exit out now.

I've been doing a lot of thinking.  About my relationship status.  For anyone who hasn't caught on by now, I'm separated.  My husband, we'll call him X, lives in an apartment about two or three miles from me.  We're sharing custody of our little girl (we'll call her K).  I wanted the split, and I'm really doing quite well.  I mean yes, it does suck, but I'm doing much better than I thought I'd be doing.

When we first split up I spent almost no time with him.  Not that I didn't want to work on it with him, but I was busy trying to make sure things would work for me financially.  After a couple of weeks I pretty much got things stable, and after that we started dating each other.  Sometimes we'd go on actual dates, other times we'd just hang out at his new place.  We were trying to see if things could possibly work.  But there was a problem...

See, I've never actually been in love with my husband.  In High School I wanted a boyfriend, and he asked me.  He was cute and I was kind of crushing on him, so I said yes.  Then we were all over each other.  We made out constantly, but rarely actually talked.  A couple days into the relationship I was sweeping the porch at my house and the thought "He's not the one for you" entered my mind.  But he was hott and I liked making out with him, so I kept seeing him.

After two or three months I wanted to break up with him.  But at that point we were saying "I love you" and had been for a while, and he'd gotten out of a really bad relationship just before me.  I didn't want to hurt him, so I waited.  And waited.  And before I knew it, he was at boot camp and I couldn't break up with him then.  Then he was in SOI, and I kind of tried in a very immature way (mind you, I was 17): I held hands w/another guy that I and told him about it.  I was kind of hoping he'd break up with me (yes, I know it was immature, I just said that, right?) but it backfired; he proposed.  And, being stupid, 17, and feeling guilty, I said yes.

My dad and step-mom were furious when they found out.  And I mean furious.  But that just made him more forbidden, so I held on.  It was "Romeo and Juliet", the high school version (only nobody died), and I wanted that 'fairy-tale ending'.

Then I started to get excited.  I mean come on, I was 17 and I was planning a wedding.  MY wedding!  I wasn't excited about getting married, but the wedding stuff was a lot of fun.  I kept up the act of being hopelessly and desperately in love with him, on the outside, but he and I started arguing a lot (it was mostly me arguing at him, really) and we were having a lot of relationship issues.  In fact we broke up for a month in March of '09, but I got in a lot of trouble, freaked out, and went back to him.  He was 'safe' for me.  We weren't able to talk as much, so when we did we didn't argue nearly as much, and I felt so bad for what I'd done to get in trouble that I pretty much just kept my head down.  And so it went.

But as the wedding got closer, I got more and more anxious, and not in a good way.  I wanted to call it off, but I was terrified of what everyone would think of me.  After all, I'd defied my dad and step-mom in order to get married to him!  I could just hear the "I told you so"s and I desperately wanted to avoid that.  But a few days before the wedding I lost it.  I called my mom in tears (she and my step-dad were very supportive of the wedding) and told her I didn't think I could/should do it.  I'll be honest, I was hoping she'd say that if I felt that way I should call it off.  Then I could have an 'out', because my "mommy told me to do it".

But the adult world doesn't work that way, as I found out.  She told me that I just had cold feet, reminded me how good of a man X is, and said everybody went through what I was going through.  So I got married.

Since then I've been miserable.  Absolutely miserable.  So miserable I was literally cutting to try to handle the pain better (I know it's stupid, believe me, but when you're that miserable not much makes sense).  My sex life sucked - no offense, X, if you ever read this - because my libido dropped instantly after the wedding (we waited til marriage).  It was like being with my brother (not that I've ever been with my brother) and I went from wanting it all the time to not wanting it at all.  He was very good, don't get me wrong.  But the desire was just not there for me.  But I knew a marriage wasn't based on the physical aspect, and I started looking to other things.

Problem was, there weren't other things.  He was a friend, but that was it.  I wasn't in love with him, and I'd known it since two or three months after we started dating.  But I was married now, so I was 'stuck'.

I bought every book I could to try to force that feeling (gently, of course) into my marriage.  I bought "The Love Dare" (which is a very good book and I highly recommend it), listened to 'Eternal Marriage' on tape every night and day, read "The Five Love Languages", looked up essays and journals and stories about people who hadn't been in love but fell in love with their spouse, and spent hours upon hours upon hours on my knees begging God to incorporate that feeling into my heart.  I loved him, yes, but only as a friend.

I tried to make that enough for me, but it never was.  Then something that I consider both horrible and wonderful happened: I fell in love with another man.

Luckily for both our morality's sake, he was across the country.  We'll call him S.  S and I began talking just as friends, and it honestly stayed that way (talking) for a very, very long time.  But I was falling for him, and I knew it.  I didn't tell him, or anyone else; I was so ashamed of it!  A few times I told him we should talk less, simply because I didn't want to cross any invisible boundary in the marital world.  We'd do good for a long time, but then we'd go back to texting or skyping close to every day.  And I fell desperately in love with him.

I still didn't tell anyone, including S.  But after around 5 or 6 months it became clear that the feelings were mutual.  Around month 6 or 7 we admitted our feelings for each other, but agreed there was nothing we could do about them, as I was married.  It hurt like hell, to love someone I couldn't be with. But I think what hurt more was to love someone and be married to someone else (since then I've been sorely sympathetic to every female character in every book or movie who is in love with one person and promised to another).

X and I started spending more time together, and S and I stopped talking as much.  In fact, I found S a girlfriend (BIG mistake; she was crazier than me, and not in a good way! She made his life and mine and X's miserable) and we both started to move on.  In a weird sort of way, the bad girlfriend I found S turned out to be my saving grace; she drove him so nuts that he went from being a man I was very much able to love to being an absolute jerk and - at times - a bit of a womanizer.  So getting over him got a LOT easier.

When I finally got over S (there's a part of me that still loves the man he used to be, but in my defense a part of me still loves my first boyfriend from the 9th grade), I focused all my energy on trying to fall in love with X.  I read all the books and listened to all the tapes again.  I went back to praying feverishly for the love to come (or at LEAST the physical attraction).  I did all sorts of things for him, as I'd heard that service is a great way to love someone.  But still it did not come.  After I had our baby, the depression I'd been in since we got married got so bad that I went from simply cutting myself to being suicidal.  I talked to my midwife and she prescribed me some medication for it, and I was able to stop thinking thoughts like that and I even stopped cutting at all (mind, I didn't do it often, but I did do it).

Several months passed and I kept trying  to fall in love with X.  I focused all my energy on him, and on bettering myself.  I wasn't as miserable as I was anymore, thanks to the meds, but I still wasn't happy, and I still wasn't in love.

I found Energy Therapy, and I started working on myself to try and better myself (I'm now a certified Energy Therapist).  I began working on my depression issues, and then I decided to try and find out why I have such a problem saying 'no', or doing anything *I* want to do that I feel is inconvenient for others.  Well, I was successful.  I didn't turn into a totally selfish, I'm-going-to-do-anything-I-want-to-whether-you-like-it-or-not, kind of person.  But I had a limit.  And it turns out, not being in love is way past the 'limit' for me.

So a few months after that, we split up.  I'm no longer depressed at all.  In fact, I'm very happy.  I may not be in love with anyone right now, but I'm not with someone I *don't* love, and that means the world to me.  So the question I've been asking myself is this: should I stay with someone that I'm not in love with, even if he is a good person and 'safe', if it means I am so miserable that I need to be on depression medication just so I don't want to physically hurt myself??

I'm sorry, but that's a limit I don't think I can cross.

Conflict

I am a very non-confrontational person.  I am low drama (I won't go as far as to say I'm no drama; I am human, after all) and will avoid conflict as often as I possibly can.  I would rather talk calmly, as adults, than have a screaming match any day of the week.  So imagine my annoyance when I find I am conflicted with myself.

One the one hand, I want a divorce so bad.  I have been miserable with the man I am with now, despite how great of a man he is (because he really is a very good man).  I didn't want to marry him in the first place.  The first half of our relationship I was still pining over my ex, for crying out loud.  And despite how good of a man he is, I just haven't been able to fall in love with him, despite all the things I have done and methods I have used to try to (and Lord knows I've tried).

On the other hand, I'm still so scared of what people are going to think of me.  I've already lost many friends and family over it, people I never thought I'd lose, and I know I'll likely lose many more.  I'm also terrified of upsetting God.  I know that He despises divorce, and I think He's probably disappointed in me.

But at the same time, I haven't felt more at peace than I have the past couple months that I've been separated.  Neither have I felt God's love quite as strongly.  In this time of struggle, I really feel like He's wrapped His arms around me and surrounded me with His love, which is more than sufficient.  His grace truly is sufficient for my needs... all of them.

My other area of self-conflict is concerning religion.  My mind is pretty much made up.  But I'm still so nervous to tell my family.  Mainly my mom.  My anxiety over this has calmed a great deal since actually making up my mind (in retrospect from when I was still skeptical) but it is still there.  On the one hand I feel like, with all the things that have been said to me - and will be said once this is out where everyone can see it - I don't owe them an explanation at all.

On the other hand, when they find out - for they surely will - they will be furious that it didn't come from me, and will say that I 'lied by omission'.  No, I just didn't want to be persecuted for my decision, which is my decision and no one else's. Still, either way I go I will have a fight.  It seems the easiest thing to do would be to tell them myself.  I just have one more thing I must do (talk to church officials about my questions) before I do.

So there it is: my fears and thoughts on the line.  Or the internet, rather.  Perhaps writing them down and sharing them with strangers I'll never meet will somehow help me make sense of it all.  Well, one can hope...

Questions

Today I have been feeling.  Feeling the feelings.  :-) Inside joke, haha, I'm quoting a passage from my biopsychology textbook about a Schizophrenic lady.  But all joking aside (I mean no offense, just in an odd mood I suppose), I really am.  Today has been good.  I have been doing more and more research and getting more and more answers, and feeling the feelings. ;-)

Today I had a great phone conversation with my mom.  My Utah mom, to clarify.  It was a great conversation and I really felt understood and loved.  I'm so grateful that our relationship is healing, at least on some level.  She offered me a great deal of advice, most - if not all - of which I think I shall take.

I also did a lot of research.  Not school research; that much is done for now, thank goodness.  Religious research.  (I think I'm finally ready to post this out in the open.  Guess it's a good thing I don't have many readers, lol.)

Basically, I have found several problems in the theology of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  I set out in my research to prove it right, to prove that the LDS Church is true, or at least could be.  Well, that backfired...  I instead started finding many things that simply didn't add up.  Then I started finding evidence pointing to the fabrication of certain things that I found to be holy and sacred.  I was so confused and lost, but the more research I did the more definitive I felt that it simply could not be true.  After all, there is so much evidence proving the authenticity of the Bible.  Yet upon studying, it seems the origins of the Book of Mormon - indeed, of the LDS Church itself - seem to deteriorate.

I have sorted through the mess that is my thought process and formed ten questions.  These are questions I intend to ask both the LDS Missionaries, and my bishop.  I do not, in any way, shape or form, ever plan to try to destroy the church.  But these are questions that I think are valid, and deserve answering.  They are listed below.

1. Why did Joseph Smith have 34 wives?? Were 29 of those really *before* the revelation of polygamy was made?  Why did Emma not know about many of them?  Did some really have *living* husbands (Lucinda Morgan Harris, Zina Huntington Jacobs, Presendia Huntington Buell, to name a few)?? If so, WHY?? (Links I found: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8LhzU4iXLxQ&feature=player_embedded#! http://www.familysearch.org/Eng/Search/prf/individual_record.asp?recid=670090054)

2. *Why* has the Book of Mormon changed so much if it was a perfect translation (remember, when he translated it he said that the letters that appeared would not disappear unless the scribe had written it exactly as it needed to be).  Furthermore, why does the original copy support the Trinity view (1st Nephi Ch 11:32 in the original says "Yea the Everlasting God" but in today's it says "the Son of the Everlasting God", etc).  Also, in Ether why does the Original say King Benjamin kept records, etc, but today's says King Mosiah?

3. Why does the law on Polygamy contradict with other things?  For example, D&C 132:1 contradicts with Jacob 2:24 and D&C 132:64-65 contradicts with 1st Corinthians 7:3-4.

4. Why did the lecture at the veil in the temple in 1877 (at least, I don't know if it was *just* that year) talk about Adam *being* God???  Also, why are some in the church taught that Adam came here just like anyone else (born, etc) but the Bible says otherwise? (a link I found: http://www.ldsendowment.org/historicaldocs.html)

5. Why is the first written account of the 1st vision in the Sacred Grove (written in Joseph Smith's own hand) so very different than the first?? For example, the first only talks about seeing *one* person.  No mention of the adversary trying to stop him.  Also says no one believed him for a long time. (A link I found: http://perfectthesaints.org/JosephSmithsFirstVisionHandwritten.jpg)

6. Why do the Temple Ceremonies resemble the Free Mason rituals so much? Furthermore, why is there no recorded revelation for the ceremonies? And isn't it just a little bit odd that the Temple Ceremonies came to be right after Joseph became a Mason?

7. Why does the Story of King Benjamin (when he gave his talk before he died) match so closely to a famous Methodist camp meeting held near where Joseph was on June 7th, 1826.

8. Why do the symbols at the back of Abraham that Joseph 'restored through revelation' match almost EXACTLY to the Egyptian Hypocephalus, which means something TOTALLY different and was actually traditional??

9. If we receive our glory and salvation by coming to Christ, then *why* would going to the Temple increase that glory??

10. There is no mention whatsoever of the Everlasting Covenant in the Bible. Why is that?

Changes

So many changes.

There are so many changes being made in my life right now.  At times, there's so much confusion that I simply don't know what to do with myself.  If I make one decision, I please others but not myself.  If I make another decision, I please myself, but not others.  So it seems that there is only one thing to do:

Please God.

Of course, if I can please God and myself, that's a bonus.  But by pleasing Him I know I can't go wrong, and I will somehow find happiness beyond that which I'd previously felt.  And even if things don't get less confusing, I will somehow be able to find my way through the chaos.

I have so many questions.  As a result of those questions, I have been doing so much research.  A few times I have found myself starting the research process with one goal in mind, only to have my entire purpose turned around.  I have had questions answered in ways I never thought they would be.  Indeed, in ways I hoped they would not be!  Although I can say, thankfully, that my mind has never been clearer, and my heart has never been more at peace.

I have not yet decided when I will make clear the decisions I have made, or the questions that I have found answers to.  For now, though, I will be satisfied to know that I am at peace.

Crucible

Crucible.  The word means many things to many people.  To some it may refer to that creepy play you read in your High School English Class about the Salem witch trials.  To other it refers to the last, excruciatingly difficult hike in the Marine Corps Boot Camp.  Some may think of the blacksmith's tool, a little pot in which metal is melted so that only the most refined remains.  My meaning has a little more depth.

When I think of the word crucible, I think of friends and family.  I think of those who have come to my aid, those who have stayed by my side, and those who have left.  I think about trials.  Trials are the crucible of life.  They heat things up, make things more and more difficult, and less and less appealing.  In the end we wind up stronger for it, but not until a great deal of sweat and tears and heartache have occurred.  Yet during the process we learn a lot.  Not only about ourselves, but about those around us.

During trials, when things heat up, we learn who we can always count on.  When the light is nearly gone, when the path before us seems very grim, we will be able to look around and see the people in our lives come, go, or stay by our sides.  Those that leave were the excess.  The bit of metal that we didn't really need.  Those that stay or come quickly to our aid are the refined.  The gold a midst the rust.  They are those that we truly need in our lives.

That is not to say, however, that those that leave are not good, wonderful people.  They are.  Period.  We are all God's Children, and He loves us all.  I believe that with every fiber of my being.  Their leaving your side - or mine - does not make them any less valuable to Him.  It doesn't make it any less painful that they've gone.  But it does show you, in the end, who you can count on to always be there.

When you are at your very worst, look around.  See who remains.  And then, even when you're through the darkness, keep them close.

This is a song that gave me great peace the other day.  I hope you enjoy it.

New Beginnings

New beginnings.  Two simple words with a world of meaning.  I'm not even sure I understand the entirety of it all, but I do know this: I'm taking mine.   

My life has been crazy hectic for as long as I can remember.  Though I suppose that would be normal, especially considering that I'm the oldest of nine children.  Some things have been amazing and wonderful.  Others have been traumatic and heartbreaking.  But each of them have defined who I am.  Up to this point, I am made up of moments, experiences, words spoken and memories saved.  Everything I have ever said, or done, or thought, makes up the person who looks back at me from the mirror.  And that can be a very good thing, if I let it.

But there's one thing I won't do, and that is let the negative experiences define where I go from here.  I stand at a crossing, my long journey pausing... I may not know where I go from here, but I know that I do it with faith in my Heavenly Father, in my Saviour, and in the Holy Spirit.  I know that the things I do, I do with not only my Lord in mind, but also my daughter.  My path is not mine alone anymore, and I am so happy for that.  Yet, despite my joy, it puts a responsibility on my shoulders that I cannot ignore.  So I suppose it's a good thing that I don't want to.

From here on out I am unapologetic about who I am.  I will do things only when I am sure that it is what I want, and then I will not be ashamed of it.  Who I am will not be determined by the things others want, or what those around me think is best.  What I do will only be influenced by the feelings I receive from the Holy Spirit.  And if anyone has a problem with that, well I suppose that's too bad.

I guess now's the time that I find out who will always have my back.  I'll never ask anyone to prove their devotion to me, but if I have it, wonderful.  Nevertheless, that won't change my devotion toward the ones I love.  It never has before, so why would it now?  Things may be rough, but it's only in the toughest times that you discover your true friends and family.

So here I go.  Taking my first steps into the unknown, and holding tightly to the faith that I have in Father in Heaven.  I'm claiming my new beginnings.