Regrets

Wise men - and women - will tell you to live your life with no regrets.  Some may say they have no regrets, only lessons learned.  But I'm here to tell you that there are a few things in life that I regret.  A few things that I really do wish I could take back.

Believe it or not, getting married isn't one of my regrets.  Do I think I should have done it?  No.  No, I definitely should have waited, should have had the guts to say no in the first place.  But I don't regret it.  That one is a lesson learned, and it wasn't all bad.  True, a very large portion of it I was miserable for, but X has always been a good friend, so I can't and won't say that it was a "bad thing".  No, getting married is not a regret.

But hurting X is.  For the past 4 1/2, almost 5 years, X has been my best friend.  True, for the most part we only talked about sexual things, but I was still able to turn to him when I needed a shoulder to cry on, or when I wanted someone to take my side.  He knew a great deal about me, and I him.  And he was my best friend.  It wasn't his fault that I didn't have the guts to tell him that's all I wanted from him.  It wasn't his fault that I said yes when he proposed, even though I knew I should have said no.  It wasn't his fault that I followed through with the wedding.  And it certainly wasn't his fault when I finally came to him and told him how I've been feeling and why.

Over the past few months I have watched his heart break and heal a couple of times, and each time it breaks again, mine breaks with it.  He is hurting, and I know how he feels, and that kills me.  He doesn't deserve that.  He's never deserved that.  He deserves to be with someone who loves him with all that she is, and who won't break his heart like I have.

There have been times when I've felts so bad about hurting him, so guilty for causing the pain on his face, that I've almost said, "Never mind, I don't want a divorce anymore," just to appease him.  But if I stay, that's all it would ever be: an attempt on my part to appease him, to avoid hurting him.  But that's what got me into this mess in the first place.  And he doesn't deserve that, either.