Apologies

I have done a little bit of thinking (okay, more like a lot of thinking) and I have some apologizing to do.  A few things I will say privately to the people I feel I have offended, but there are some that I want to say here.

The first is not an apology to man at all, but rather to God.  I suppose I'm not actually apologizing right now (I did that earlier, in private) but publicly acknowledging what I have done wrong.

Last night I was reading in Matthew (I'm starting the New Testament over) and I started thinking about several of the things I've done wrong in my life.  I was filled with sorrow and anguish as I realized how sinful of a person I am, and have been.  I started worrying that I could never get into Heaven with all that I've done.  After all, how could God let a sinner like me into his midst.  Partly to comfort myself, I reminded myself that it is only through the Savior that we are saved.  Still, that wasn't a good enough answer for me; I wanted something I could do, something that would gain me Eternal Salvation.

Out of the blue, the story of Jesus and the rich man came to my mind (see Matthew 19:16-30).  For those who aren't familiar with it, the story is about a rich young man who comes to Jesus and asks him what he can do.  Jesus responds that there is "none good but one, that is, God" (Matthew 19:17), but that he ought to keep the commandments.  But that wasn't good enough for the rich young man.  He wanted something he could do.  Like me, he wanted to know what specific things he needed to do to be saved.  Jesus knew his heart, of course, knew what he wanted, and told him to sell all that he had and give it to the poor.

I believe that the purpose of what the Lord told him wasn't to say, "It is by these things that you may gain salvation."  Rather, I believe with all of my heart that He was telling us, "Your works will not get you into my Kingdom, for I am God, and only God is good; it is through me that you are saved."  If we love Him we want to keep His commandments, but it is not through our own works that we are saved.

As soon as I realized this, I was filled with humility and even shame.  My whole life I have believed that in order to gain glory in Heaven was to do things, and now that my beliefs are changing (not the core beliefs, of course), I still looked to the familiar for comfort.  So my first apology is that I have presumed that I could save myself - or even just gain greater glory - by my own works.  I know now how wrong that thought process is, and I am truly sorry for it.

My second apology is towards many friends and strangers.  I never did anything to them, so I will apologize here rather than directly to each of their faces, as many of them I rarely if ever speak to, if I ever spoke to them at all.  You see, I have been guilty of thinking something about them.  They each have one thing in common: they left the Mormon Church.  And when they did, I thought to myself that they had lost their way. At times I thought - and even said to others, I'm afraid - the following: "I know [he/she/they] know[s] it's true, but I think it's easier for [him/her/them] to pretend it's not right now.  Hopefully later things will change and [he/she/they]'ll come back."

I am so ashamed that I had indulged in that kind of thinking, and participated in that kind of thinking.  Who am I to presume to 'know' what someone believes?  I didn't realize how hurtful that could be until last night, when I was talking to a dear friend of mine.  I told him of my new-found position on the Church, and he was understandably quite upset.  One of the things he said to me was, "I know you still know it's true, you just..." (it trails off because I was actually quite offended and wasn't paying attention after that).  The fact was - and I pointed this out to him - no, he did not 'know that I know it's true'.  In fact, I am so sure now that it isn't, only solid evidence proving the things I've recently found out wrong could change my mind.

That's when I realized that I have been guilty of doing the exact same thing my friend did to me.  The only difference is that I never said it directly to my friends' (or strangers) faces.  Often it was only in my mind that I said it.  But it still happened.  I presumed to know someone else's beliefs, without even taking the time to listen to their side of the story.  And for that I am truly sorry, and I apologize.

Finally, I wish to apologize to any Mormons who may have read or are reading my blog.  I realize that there have been times when I may have come across as trying to convert people away from Mormonism, and I am sorry for that.  Please know that that is not and has never been my intention.  If and when I speak of the Church, I am merely stating my position and discussing my findings.  It's sort of like therapy for me, but rather than paying someone $100 or more an hour to talk about it, I just write it out.  Please know that I'm not trying to criticize the Mormon Church or its members, and if at any time I offend anyone, I truly apologize.

Well, that's all I can think of to apologize for, which I guess isn't too bad, all things considering.  Just bear in mind the following things: 1) It is only through our Savior that we can be saved; nothing that we do can change or amplify our 'saved status'.  Christ is our only Saving Grace.  2) Don't presume to know what other people are thinking or feeling, about anything.  You don't know;  you can only guess.  Besides, you don't want others to do that for you, do you? And 3) If I ever offend you by what I write, please know that that is not my intent at all.  I only wish to spread the Savior's love, really.  This blog is just a public journal of my thoughts, feelings, experiences, and findings.  And trust me, they won't all be religion-based. ;-)