Conflict

I am a very non-confrontational person.  I am low drama (I won't go as far as to say I'm no drama; I am human, after all) and will avoid conflict as often as I possibly can.  I would rather talk calmly, as adults, than have a screaming match any day of the week.  So imagine my annoyance when I find I am conflicted with myself.

One the one hand, I want a divorce so bad.  I have been miserable with the man I am with now, despite how great of a man he is (because he really is a very good man).  I didn't want to marry him in the first place.  The first half of our relationship I was still pining over my ex, for crying out loud.  And despite how good of a man he is, I just haven't been able to fall in love with him, despite all the things I have done and methods I have used to try to (and Lord knows I've tried).

On the other hand, I'm still so scared of what people are going to think of me.  I've already lost many friends and family over it, people I never thought I'd lose, and I know I'll likely lose many more.  I'm also terrified of upsetting God.  I know that He despises divorce, and I think He's probably disappointed in me.

But at the same time, I haven't felt more at peace than I have the past couple months that I've been separated.  Neither have I felt God's love quite as strongly.  In this time of struggle, I really feel like He's wrapped His arms around me and surrounded me with His love, which is more than sufficient.  His grace truly is sufficient for my needs... all of them.

My other area of self-conflict is concerning religion.  My mind is pretty much made up.  But I'm still so nervous to tell my family.  Mainly my mom.  My anxiety over this has calmed a great deal since actually making up my mind (in retrospect from when I was still skeptical) but it is still there.  On the one hand I feel like, with all the things that have been said to me - and will be said once this is out where everyone can see it - I don't owe them an explanation at all.

On the other hand, when they find out - for they surely will - they will be furious that it didn't come from me, and will say that I 'lied by omission'.  No, I just didn't want to be persecuted for my decision, which is my decision and no one else's. Still, either way I go I will have a fight.  It seems the easiest thing to do would be to tell them myself.  I just have one more thing I must do (talk to church officials about my questions) before I do.

So there it is: my fears and thoughts on the line.  Or the internet, rather.  Perhaps writing them down and sharing them with strangers I'll never meet will somehow help me make sense of it all.  Well, one can hope...