New Year's Reminiscence

December 31^st, 2012… New Year’s Eve…

It’s hard to believe an entire year has gone by once more… 2012 has been one of the most hectic, traumatizing, emotionally disabling, heartbreaking years of my life.  …It has also been one of the most joyful, wonderful, beautiful, dazzling, healing, and soul-warming years of my life, as well.  Probably the most, actually. 

This past year, I have broken many hearts.  I have caused many tears.  I have had my own heart broken and cried many, many tears of my own.  I have made so many changes, and they have both made my life very difficult, and fulfilled it in ways I never knew they could:  leaving the Mormon Church, embracing Jesus Christ on a whole new level, having my first drink of alcohol, getting drunk (completely by accident after three glasses of .06 vol wine, which I can assure myself and everyone around me will never happen again) and having my first and only hangover –ugh, leaving X, meeting and falling head-over-heels in love with J, praying to God to help my daughter and I have a better relationship and crying with joy when it happened, feeling God’s love for me in a way I never thought I would… so many decisions, which have impacted me for worse… and most certainly for better. 

If I could go back and redo any of it, I actually would. I would try harder to keep things between X and I civil, so we could at least have face-to-face conversations without hurt feelings;  I would try to mend the bridge between my biological mother and I, so we could have at least somewhat of a relationship.  I certainly would not have been unfaithful to X, though I know in my heart I still would have left.  Yes, I would do things differently, but I cannot, so I won’t dwell.

Instead, I will thank God for the lessons learned, the bridges forged, the new paths taken.  I will thank God for all of the blessings He sent into my life this year, and beg that they will continue, and that I will be worthy of them.  I will thank God for the relationships I do have, and ask Him to help me be patient while the relationships I lost mend.  Over all, I will thank God… just to thank Him.

Happy New Year, everyone.  I hope that the year of 2013 is as good to you as the year of 2012 was to me… and I hope that, even though there were hard times this past year, you can see the value of them as you look back today.

Apologies and Reassurances

When I went to Utah, I went to spend time with friends and family. However, there was one person I wanted to see and talk to that I wasn't able to. Our conversation would not have been one of pleasantries... no, it would have been one of apologies on my end, and I don't even know what her end would have been like... unfortunately, I lost her number a while back and I have no idea what her email is. I found a number for her when I returned home, but it may be an old number... I don't know...

What I wanted to say was... I'm sorry. I am SO sorry for hurting her. For betraying her the way that I did. I understand the reason she decided to cut contact with me, and I agree it was in her and her little family's best interest. That fact breaks my heart, because she was one of my dearest friends... and I still love her dearly.

I have been reading the book Fifty Shades of Grey, and its sequel Fifty Shades Darker. It's a very good series, but there is a most intriguing character named Elena Lincoln in it... In the book, the main character, Ana (how fitting...), is dating the multi-billionaire Christian Grey. Well, she is constantly worried about this Elena Lincoln, because they once had a sexual relationship and she's certain that Elena is still interested, though Christian is obviously not. In the end, she turns out to be correct; Elena certainly is interested in Christian. Believe me, the irony is not lost on me...

But I would like to assure this friend, I am no Elena Lincoln. I may have done some things of which I am not proud in my past, but it is exactly that: past. I am not interested in any way, shape, or form, in your man, and even if I was I believe he's too enamored with you to even notice. :-) You are in no danger from me, my old friend, and I hope you know that. Never would I ever interfere with your family. What's yours is yours. Period.

Furthermore, I have my own love. One whom I love with all of my heart, with a passion and reverence I never thought I'd have... Rest assured, even if I did not have him I still would not come after yours, but I do have him, and he is my everything. That fact alone should give you peace.

Although you may never forgive me, I hope you know without a doubt in your mind that I am sorry. For everything. But more than that, I pray you'll feel secure in your relationship and never feel as though I want to take what is yours. Because I don't. You deserve far, far better than that from me.