I have
been doing a LOT of thinking lately. It’s
hard not to, my mind is a crazy place, haha.
But seriously, with everything that has been going on, and all that has
been happening, I have spent a lot of time reflecting on the past few years.
First
of all, I’m happy to announce that X and I seem to be finally trying to put
aside our differences and work together, if for no other reason than because we
both love K. However, for me it is much
more than that: I still care deeply for him. How can I not?? He was my best friend for over five years! I know that some people don’t like to consider
that, but it’s true. And as angry and betrayed
and hurt as I felt when he was trying to take K from me, I never stopped
caring. As I told him, I do sincerely
hope we can be friends again one day.
For now, at least, we are being friendly, and we are trying to trust
each other more. That means more to me
than I can say.
That
has had me reflecting on several things in my past. The first being that I truly never meant to
hurt him. It breaks my heart that I
broke his, and it probably always will.
But he says he understands that, now.
He agrees my attempt to spare him was extremely stupid in the long-haul,
but he says he understands. That’s more
than I would have dared hoped for a year ago.
Another
thing I have been reflecting on concerns an entirely different aspect of my
life. I have been thinking of how, in years
past, I have gotten my heart broken again and again, just like I broke X’s. I used to think it was pre-Karma, if you
will. To me, it was like God had
punished me before-hand for the heartache I was going to deal X (obviously I
know that’s not how He works, it just felt like it). But I have come to realize that was never
true. I have realized I didn’t deserve
it. No tear shed, no splintering pain
through my heart, no overwhelming emotional darkness, no begged plea to talk to
me because I didn’t mean to upset you was deserved. It was life, and it hurt, but I didn’t ‘earn’
it in any way. But I have learned from it.
I have learned that the past can
hurt, but it doesn’t have to. I have
learned that I don’t need to let the heartache from my past rule the actions of
my future. I have learned that I don’t
have to grovel and beg for love or forgiveness; that those who truly love me will never make me do
either. I have learned that I am worth
far, far more than what was dealt to me in the past. And most importantly, I have learned that I
am worthy of the love and devotion of a man whom I love more than I could ever
have dreamed possibly – and I truly mean that – and that though I will never be worthy of our Father’s
love, that His grace extends even to one such as I.
I have learned many things, and I
will never let anyone take that knowledge from me.
So all in all, I have been
reflecting a lot. And though I may not
like some of what I see, the overall big picture looks better and better to me
as each day passes.
