Okay, so this is actually a rewrite. I was a bit bitchy in the original, and after about 3 minutes I felt bad, so I'm rewriting this.
Basically, I hate liars. I understand that I don't have the best track record, what with pretending to be in love with X and all, but at least my intentions were good. Does that make it right? No. But I didn't do it to hurt anyone. In fact, I did it to spare the pain I knew the truth would cause.
And I understand that sometimes people tell little white lies. Sometimes it's to get out of trouble, like a speeding ticket. Other times it's to spare a person's feelings ("Does this ___ look bad on me?"). Of course, that still doesn't make lying okay, but I understand that, at that point, it's not meant to hurt anyone.
No, what I can't stand are the lies that are meant to hurt. The ones that are meant to cover tracks. The ones that are told in order for the liar to get their way.
What bothers me even more is when someone lies to the very person who has been trying to help them.
Now, we're all human. And no sin is greater or smaller than the last. But come one, people... Don't expect me to be honest with you if you're just going to lie to me. There's one thing I'm not, and that's stupid. I'm smart enough to figure it out.
Oh, and one more thing: paranoia is defined as anxiety or distrust that is based on no evidence or justification. If there is evidence and justification, it is no longer paranoia; it's cautiousness.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
String
I just read a very interesting article about love. It had several questions that I'm going to answer on here, and then it talked about string. I'll explain that in a moment.
The article was about how to tell if you're in love. It was about a man's own experience. He gives several questions to ask yourself. The first one is "What does it feel like to say goodbye?" When I say goodbye to J, I almost immediately miss him. Even when it's just for the night, I miss him. When I know there will be a day of separation, I'm constantly envisioning him close to me. When we were apart for a week, I wanted to text or call him constantly, just to hear from him. Now that I'm looking at another week long separation, my stomach twists in unpleasant knots when I think about being away from him. It's not overwhelming, but there's some very obvious unhappiness about it. I miss him. I want to be near him. To hear him and touch him and hold him.
The next question is "What is it like to kiss [him]?" It's amazing. It's like the world has stopped, even if only for a moment. Even quick little pecks are wonderful. Every time his lips touch mine I want to wrap my arms around his neck and hold him there forever. I get butterflies every time, without fail. My heart skips a beat and speeds up all at once. Every time we kiss it's like the very first time, and I absolutely love it.
Next: "What makes you happy?" Well, first and foremost it's my daughter, K, and her happiness and joy and laughter. Second would be him. Being near him. Seeing him smile. Hearing him laugh. Knowing that he's happy. Knowing that I'm part of the reason for that happiness. Everything about him. Watching him play with K. Everything.
"Do you want it?" Yes I want it. I want all of it. The ups, the downs, the good, the bad. I want everything that being with him has to offer. I want the happiness I feel with him, the smiles, the kisses, the conversations, the games of magic, all of it. I want it all.
The last question is "How long is a piece of string?" The answer: I don't know. Just like with love. There's no exact measurement. No formula to determine whether or not someone is truly in love. You have to look at it, measure it yourself, and come up with your answer. Chances are very good that you'll be right.
What's my answer? I'm in love. I still can't tell him, but without a doubt in my mind, I love him. I hope one day he'll love me too. :-3
The article was about how to tell if you're in love. It was about a man's own experience. He gives several questions to ask yourself. The first one is "What does it feel like to say goodbye?" When I say goodbye to J, I almost immediately miss him. Even when it's just for the night, I miss him. When I know there will be a day of separation, I'm constantly envisioning him close to me. When we were apart for a week, I wanted to text or call him constantly, just to hear from him. Now that I'm looking at another week long separation, my stomach twists in unpleasant knots when I think about being away from him. It's not overwhelming, but there's some very obvious unhappiness about it. I miss him. I want to be near him. To hear him and touch him and hold him.
The next question is "What is it like to kiss [him]?" It's amazing. It's like the world has stopped, even if only for a moment. Even quick little pecks are wonderful. Every time his lips touch mine I want to wrap my arms around his neck and hold him there forever. I get butterflies every time, without fail. My heart skips a beat and speeds up all at once. Every time we kiss it's like the very first time, and I absolutely love it.
Next: "What makes you happy?" Well, first and foremost it's my daughter, K, and her happiness and joy and laughter. Second would be him. Being near him. Seeing him smile. Hearing him laugh. Knowing that he's happy. Knowing that I'm part of the reason for that happiness. Everything about him. Watching him play with K. Everything.
"Do you want it?" Yes I want it. I want all of it. The ups, the downs, the good, the bad. I want everything that being with him has to offer. I want the happiness I feel with him, the smiles, the kisses, the conversations, the games of magic, all of it. I want it all.
The last question is "How long is a piece of string?" The answer: I don't know. Just like with love. There's no exact measurement. No formula to determine whether or not someone is truly in love. You have to look at it, measure it yourself, and come up with your answer. Chances are very good that you'll be right.
What's my answer? I'm in love. I still can't tell him, but without a doubt in my mind, I love him. I hope one day he'll love me too. :-3
Thursday, July 19, 2012
A Blessing and a Vent
So I have roommates. I own my home, but I have roommates to help make ends meet. One single female and a couple, who moved in when she was 5 1/2 months pregnant. Well, today she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl! July 19th, 2012, at 8:37 am, weighing a whopping 5 lbs 15 oz and 18 inches long. I was privileged enough to be there! I helped her breathe through contractions and held her leg when she pushed and everything! And she did marvelously.
Sadly, things didn't go exactly how she wanted them to. Her bag of waters ruptured on the night of the 15th, but she didn't realize it. On the 18th she went in for a stress test, and they confirmed that she had a slow leak. They admitted her and immediately started her on pitocin (man-made oxytocin, which helps the contractions pick up speed). At 5 am on the 19th they convinced her to get an epidural (she'd done SO well, though, things just weren't picking up at all). And finally, just after 8:30, that dark haired little angel made her way into the world. It was absolutely wonderful and beautiful and I started to tear up a little. :-3
And then I started getting mad. So here comes my vent:
I will never - I repeat, NEVER - give birth in a hospital. I won't do it. End of story. I have a list as to why, a list that I have now witnessed with my own two eyes!
1, They lie. The first doctor she had lied straight to her face several times! She told her they were going to start her on pitocin because, "Your body makes pitocin naturally so we're just going to add some more to get things going." Um, wrong!! Your body does NOT make pitocin naturally! It makes oxytocin naturally! Pitocin is oxytocin on steroids, and it's hell!
Granted, it'd been 48 hours since the amniotic sac ruptured and she wasn't contracting at all; they needed to do something. But the mother didn't want drugs if at all possible, so she asked if there was anything else that could be done first. You know what the doctor said? "No"! Are you kidding me??? Yes, there most certainly is. I was about to interject, but luckily the nurse was the mother's advocate here and she intervened and started listing things that could possibly be tried. Doc didn't look to happy, haha, but mom sure was! They tried each of the other options and, sadly, they had to do the pitocin, but at least that awesome nurse helped us out!
2, Pitocin. This is totally separate from the above, actually. It's pitocin itself I can't stand. Yes, I know that in some cases it's necessary (like in my poor roommate's case), but in most it's not, but it's pretty much become standard. But you know what happens?? They give you pitocin (again, oxytocin on steroids) to make contractions more intense, and the more they give you the more baby's heart rate starts to go down with every contraction. So then they convince you to have an epidural (if you haven't already gotten one) and that slows labor down. So they give you more pitocin. Which, again, makes baby's heart rate go down during contractions 'cause they're so intense. After a few hours of this (12 or more if you're lucky) they tell you it's simply not safe for the baby and they have to do a C-Section. Funny thing: You wouldn't need the C-Section if they hadn't given you pitocin!! Minus the C-Section, that's exactly what happened to this mommy.
3, They ignore your wishes during labor. She made it very clear that she wanted to walk around, move around, and labor the way she wanted to labor. What happened? They confined her on her back in a bed with two internal monitors. The reason being that "Well we just can't monitor the baby's heart rate with you moving around, and we need to have a constant monitor on her." Bull freakin' shit! I've got news for you: women have been giving birth for centuries upon centuries without any sort of monitoring. Monitoring is great, but it doesn't have to be constant! My midwives monitored me about once ever 45 to 60 minutes, and it was external and took all of 1, maybe 2 minutes. My poor roommate was miserable and unable to move! Take it from a mommy who labored for 36 hours without drugs: laying still (especially on your back!) is the WORST possible way to labor!! You're working against gravity, for starters, and moving and rocking is about the only thing that makes that pain a little more bearable!
4, They ignore your wishes after the baby is born!! Mommy wanted them to immediately put baby on her stomach and leave her there until she had finished eating. Did it happen? No. Mommy also wanted them to leave the vernix (that white waxy stuff) on her skin to let it soak in. Did it happen? No. Mommy also wanted to let baby do the breast crawl (you can put a newborn baby in its mother's stomach and it will literally crawl to the breast and start to suckle. It may take up to 20-30 minutes, but it does happen! Babies are smart!) Did it happen? No! They put baby on mom's chest for just a minute, then immediately took her to the other side of the room. There they wiped off all the vernix! Once that was done they put the baby on her tummy again, but before she could even begin to try to find mommy's breast, they said, "She's much too small for this. We're going to give her a little help. Here, put her right on your nipple," and they moved her! Oh I was pissed. I pointed out - as politely as I could at that point - that my daughter was also 2 weeks early and she had no problem finding my breast, she just needed the time to actually try!!
So yeah, those are the top four reasons I WILL NOT have a hospital birth. I will find insurance that covers home births and I will go with that. That is absolutely ridiculous. No way, no how. I don't think so.
But, as I just keep reminding myself, it all turned out wonderfully because they got a beautiful baby girl out of it, and she is healthy and happy. As my boyfriend J so eloquently put it, "Praise the Lord, a new blessing has befallen [them]"!
Sadly, things didn't go exactly how she wanted them to. Her bag of waters ruptured on the night of the 15th, but she didn't realize it. On the 18th she went in for a stress test, and they confirmed that she had a slow leak. They admitted her and immediately started her on pitocin (man-made oxytocin, which helps the contractions pick up speed). At 5 am on the 19th they convinced her to get an epidural (she'd done SO well, though, things just weren't picking up at all). And finally, just after 8:30, that dark haired little angel made her way into the world. It was absolutely wonderful and beautiful and I started to tear up a little. :-3
And then I started getting mad. So here comes my vent:
I will never - I repeat, NEVER - give birth in a hospital. I won't do it. End of story. I have a list as to why, a list that I have now witnessed with my own two eyes!
1, They lie. The first doctor she had lied straight to her face several times! She told her they were going to start her on pitocin because, "Your body makes pitocin naturally so we're just going to add some more to get things going." Um, wrong!! Your body does NOT make pitocin naturally! It makes oxytocin naturally! Pitocin is oxytocin on steroids, and it's hell!
Granted, it'd been 48 hours since the amniotic sac ruptured and she wasn't contracting at all; they needed to do something. But the mother didn't want drugs if at all possible, so she asked if there was anything else that could be done first. You know what the doctor said? "No"! Are you kidding me??? Yes, there most certainly is. I was about to interject, but luckily the nurse was the mother's advocate here and she intervened and started listing things that could possibly be tried. Doc didn't look to happy, haha, but mom sure was! They tried each of the other options and, sadly, they had to do the pitocin, but at least that awesome nurse helped us out!
2, Pitocin. This is totally separate from the above, actually. It's pitocin itself I can't stand. Yes, I know that in some cases it's necessary (like in my poor roommate's case), but in most it's not, but it's pretty much become standard. But you know what happens?? They give you pitocin (again, oxytocin on steroids) to make contractions more intense, and the more they give you the more baby's heart rate starts to go down with every contraction. So then they convince you to have an epidural (if you haven't already gotten one) and that slows labor down. So they give you more pitocin. Which, again, makes baby's heart rate go down during contractions 'cause they're so intense. After a few hours of this (12 or more if you're lucky) they tell you it's simply not safe for the baby and they have to do a C-Section. Funny thing: You wouldn't need the C-Section if they hadn't given you pitocin!! Minus the C-Section, that's exactly what happened to this mommy.
3, They ignore your wishes during labor. She made it very clear that she wanted to walk around, move around, and labor the way she wanted to labor. What happened? They confined her on her back in a bed with two internal monitors. The reason being that "Well we just can't monitor the baby's heart rate with you moving around, and we need to have a constant monitor on her." Bull freakin' shit! I've got news for you: women have been giving birth for centuries upon centuries without any sort of monitoring. Monitoring is great, but it doesn't have to be constant! My midwives monitored me about once ever 45 to 60 minutes, and it was external and took all of 1, maybe 2 minutes. My poor roommate was miserable and unable to move! Take it from a mommy who labored for 36 hours without drugs: laying still (especially on your back!) is the WORST possible way to labor!! You're working against gravity, for starters, and moving and rocking is about the only thing that makes that pain a little more bearable!
4, They ignore your wishes after the baby is born!! Mommy wanted them to immediately put baby on her stomach and leave her there until she had finished eating. Did it happen? No. Mommy also wanted them to leave the vernix (that white waxy stuff) on her skin to let it soak in. Did it happen? No. Mommy also wanted to let baby do the breast crawl (you can put a newborn baby in its mother's stomach and it will literally crawl to the breast and start to suckle. It may take up to 20-30 minutes, but it does happen! Babies are smart!) Did it happen? No! They put baby on mom's chest for just a minute, then immediately took her to the other side of the room. There they wiped off all the vernix! Once that was done they put the baby on her tummy again, but before she could even begin to try to find mommy's breast, they said, "She's much too small for this. We're going to give her a little help. Here, put her right on your nipple," and they moved her! Oh I was pissed. I pointed out - as politely as I could at that point - that my daughter was also 2 weeks early and she had no problem finding my breast, she just needed the time to actually try!!
So yeah, those are the top four reasons I WILL NOT have a hospital birth. I will find insurance that covers home births and I will go with that. That is absolutely ridiculous. No way, no how. I don't think so.
But, as I just keep reminding myself, it all turned out wonderfully because they got a beautiful baby girl out of it, and she is healthy and happy. As my boyfriend J so eloquently put it, "Praise the Lord, a new blessing has befallen [them]"!
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Musings
Okay, so before I start, I just want to exclaim my odd excitement, haha: people in Germany, Russia, Japan, and the UK have seen my blog! And more than once! Russia's in the lead with 11 views, Germany's at 8, the UK's at 7, and Japans is at like 6. I know, I know, those numbers are really small, but this is a big deal to me! I don't really know why, but it is, haha.
Anyway, I was thinking about something today. About the guy I'm dating, J, actually. We're coming up on three months, and even though it's only been a short amount of time... I think I'm in love with him. Problem is, I can't tell him because I want to be 110% sure, not just 99.999%. But let me put it to you this way: I've stopped looking at S's Facebook, and the only time I think about K is when he retaliates in Words With Friends (he's kicking my ass, I'm afraid). All I want is J, and that's a big deal, because I loved both of them very much. The fact that he trumps each of them (not just now, but how I felt back then) is a very big deal.
But even if I was 110% sure, I couldn't tell him. See, he has it set in his head that the words "I love you" are over used in today's world. And don't get me wrong, they are. I know of people who are saying "I love you" less than a week after meeting. Yes, some people can fall in love that quickly, but the majority of us don't. But that's not what J means. What he means is that people shouldn't say "I love you" until they're pretty much ready to get engaged. Once they're engaged/married, they can go ahead and say it all they want. But until then, no. If it's said, it should be said sparingly.
This is a really hard thing for me. I am the type of person that, once I know someone loves me, I want to hear it all the time. If I don't hear it relatively often, I start to get worried that maybe he's falling out of love with me (This is kind of based off of past experience, so don't judge me, haha). So it's hard for me to accept that - if he says it at all - he'd only say it every once in a great while.
This weekend was also interesting. He was in an off mood, it seemed, most of the weekend. Friday he was irritated because he wasn't able to stay at work the whole day, and saturday and today he just seemed grouchy. I kept taking it personal, which was really stupid of me, and although I really enjoyed spending time with him, it was very stressful. I found myself wondering if he's going to turn out to be a 'grumpy old man' in say 50 years or so.
And the funny thing is, despite his grumpiness, despite the fact that not being told 'I love you' is going to royally suck, and despite the fact that this weekend was quite stressful, I'm determined to make it work. He makes me happy. I'm happy on a daily basis, and - for the most part - he only increases that happiness. Even when things are stressful or when I get my feeling hurt, he still makes me happy. And I want to make him happy. I want him to know that he is one of the most important things in the world, to me anyway (luckily I don't have to worry about him doing it here; he doesn't like to read as it is, haha). I guess that's another sign that I just might be in love with him...
Anyway, I was thinking about something today. About the guy I'm dating, J, actually. We're coming up on three months, and even though it's only been a short amount of time... I think I'm in love with him. Problem is, I can't tell him because I want to be 110% sure, not just 99.999%. But let me put it to you this way: I've stopped looking at S's Facebook, and the only time I think about K is when he retaliates in Words With Friends (he's kicking my ass, I'm afraid). All I want is J, and that's a big deal, because I loved both of them very much. The fact that he trumps each of them (not just now, but how I felt back then) is a very big deal.
But even if I was 110% sure, I couldn't tell him. See, he has it set in his head that the words "I love you" are over used in today's world. And don't get me wrong, they are. I know of people who are saying "I love you" less than a week after meeting. Yes, some people can fall in love that quickly, but the majority of us don't. But that's not what J means. What he means is that people shouldn't say "I love you" until they're pretty much ready to get engaged. Once they're engaged/married, they can go ahead and say it all they want. But until then, no. If it's said, it should be said sparingly.
This is a really hard thing for me. I am the type of person that, once I know someone loves me, I want to hear it all the time. If I don't hear it relatively often, I start to get worried that maybe he's falling out of love with me (This is kind of based off of past experience, so don't judge me, haha). So it's hard for me to accept that - if he says it at all - he'd only say it every once in a great while.
This weekend was also interesting. He was in an off mood, it seemed, most of the weekend. Friday he was irritated because he wasn't able to stay at work the whole day, and saturday and today he just seemed grouchy. I kept taking it personal, which was really stupid of me, and although I really enjoyed spending time with him, it was very stressful. I found myself wondering if he's going to turn out to be a 'grumpy old man' in say 50 years or so.
And the funny thing is, despite his grumpiness, despite the fact that not being told 'I love you' is going to royally suck, and despite the fact that this weekend was quite stressful, I'm determined to make it work. He makes me happy. I'm happy on a daily basis, and - for the most part - he only increases that happiness. Even when things are stressful or when I get my feeling hurt, he still makes me happy. And I want to make him happy. I want him to know that he is one of the most important things in the world, to me anyway (luckily I don't have to worry about him doing it here; he doesn't like to read as it is, haha). I guess that's another sign that I just might be in love with him...
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Confessions
So I have something to say (I'd say I have something to admit, but I haven't exactly hidden it. I just haven't shoved it in people's faces). It's pretty big news, but not end-of-the-world kind of news. Actually, I think it's pretty good news: I'm seeing someone.
We will call him J. He's tall, has brown hair, blue eyes, and crazy eyebrows, haha. He used to be a Marine (well I guess he still is; he's Reserves) but was never stationed where I live. In fact, he was stationed in Japan, but moved here after he got out because the missionary group (called the Navigators) that converted him to Christianity asked him to move here to help with the ministry and other such things. He's handsome and hilarious and I REALLY like him.
We've been dating for about 2 1/2 months. At first I wasn't so sure about him. He was so quiet! And the first date I though he didn't tip the waitress (turns out he did, haha) so his points weren't exactly tallying up, haha. But the very day I was going to tell him I just wanted to be friends, something changed. I'm not sure what, exactly, but I no longer wanted to just be friends. After that, I started falling, fast and hard.
What I love about our relationship is that it's so laid back. There's no pressure, not from anyone (knowing or unknowing), to stay together. We talk when we hang out, and we have a lot of the same interests but just enough differences to keep it interesting. We do things together, like play magic (a card game. It's awesome, haha) and go for walks and go to walmart just to be weird, haha. I love it! He's such an active person, and just social enough that I don't feel trapped in a box with four walls, but still loves his quiet time.
I can tell he really cares about me. 1st of all, he got me a stuffed animal when he went on a trip, just a week or so after meeting me. It was sweet. :-) He also keeps in mind things I need to do that I often don't even remember myself, like get my oil changed, or move all the dirt I had piled up from my yard work, or help get rid of my dog's fleas. And then he does them with me, if I haven't already gotten them done. On top of that, he remembers things I like, then does them simply because I like them! For example, one of my FAVORITE ways to be kissed is to have the guy cup my face or put his hand at the back of my neck. He does them constantly! And it never gets old. :-)
I honestly haven't felt this way since I fell for S... Or even K. But it's heavier, if that makes sense. It seems more real, more meaningful. And I hope it is. I really hope to keep him around. I honestly don't care what anyone thinks about it (X knows, and has since I met him, so that's all that really matters); I'm happy. And I plan to stay that way. :-) We all deserve to find love. Every single one of us.
We will call him J. He's tall, has brown hair, blue eyes, and crazy eyebrows, haha. He used to be a Marine (well I guess he still is; he's Reserves) but was never stationed where I live. In fact, he was stationed in Japan, but moved here after he got out because the missionary group (called the Navigators) that converted him to Christianity asked him to move here to help with the ministry and other such things. He's handsome and hilarious and I REALLY like him.
We've been dating for about 2 1/2 months. At first I wasn't so sure about him. He was so quiet! And the first date I though he didn't tip the waitress (turns out he did, haha) so his points weren't exactly tallying up, haha. But the very day I was going to tell him I just wanted to be friends, something changed. I'm not sure what, exactly, but I no longer wanted to just be friends. After that, I started falling, fast and hard.
What I love about our relationship is that it's so laid back. There's no pressure, not from anyone (knowing or unknowing), to stay together. We talk when we hang out, and we have a lot of the same interests but just enough differences to keep it interesting. We do things together, like play magic (a card game. It's awesome, haha) and go for walks and go to walmart just to be weird, haha. I love it! He's such an active person, and just social enough that I don't feel trapped in a box with four walls, but still loves his quiet time.
I can tell he really cares about me. 1st of all, he got me a stuffed animal when he went on a trip, just a week or so after meeting me. It was sweet. :-) He also keeps in mind things I need to do that I often don't even remember myself, like get my oil changed, or move all the dirt I had piled up from my yard work, or help get rid of my dog's fleas. And then he does them with me, if I haven't already gotten them done. On top of that, he remembers things I like, then does them simply because I like them! For example, one of my FAVORITE ways to be kissed is to have the guy cup my face or put his hand at the back of my neck. He does them constantly! And it never gets old. :-)
I honestly haven't felt this way since I fell for S... Or even K. But it's heavier, if that makes sense. It seems more real, more meaningful. And I hope it is. I really hope to keep him around. I honestly don't care what anyone thinks about it (X knows, and has since I met him, so that's all that really matters); I'm happy. And I plan to stay that way. :-) We all deserve to find love. Every single one of us.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Hypocrisy
I am actually in a very good mood, but I'm getting a little tired of something, so I'm coming here to vent.
I've left the Mormon Church. I wrote to my bishop and asked him to have my name removed from the records. But before that, I lived what I believed. Yes I made some dire mistakes, but I lived what I believed as much as I was able and made amends when I fell short. As of this moment, I still live what I believe. But wasn't it you who once said that, even though you believed the Mormon Church was true, you were a 'foot in the door' kind of person, ushering people back in, but not wanting to take part yourself? And, even though you believed it to be true, you had no problem doing all of the things it says not to do. I'm not saying that you're a bad person for it, not in any way, shape, or form, but you didn't live what you believed. I do. So how am I a horrible person for that if you're not for doing what you did?
There is someone in particular that I love very much. I"ll always love her. But recently she's been pissing me off beyond words. Today was the last straw. She posted many, many private things on my Facebook, tried to publicly humiliate me (tried, being the key word here. She would only have succeeded if I let her), and then justified herself by saying that I had publicly humiliated her first. How, I ask, did I humiliate her?? My only guess is that my post (the one where I confirmed the rumors that X and I are divorcing and where I denounced my LDS faith) offended her and that she felt humiliated. Well, tough. I was telling of things in my life, not hers. And to be perfectly honest, I'm tired of her hypocritical attitude.
I have a very big problem: I keep my mouth shut. A LOT. I hold my tongue when I should speak. And why do I do that?? Because I don't want to step on any toes. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I don't want to be disrespectful. But often - mostly by this person, I'm afraid - that comes back to bite me in the ass. So this next bit is to her. She'll know exactly who she is if she ever reads it (although to avoid any confusion, know that if you never created a password for me, it isn't you).
There have been a lot of times when - during our fights - I have fallen silent, or sputtered with nothing to say. Usually these times are followed by you implying that i have nothing to say for myself. But this couldn't be further from the truth. I have plenty to say. But I don't say it because I don't want to hurt you. Every single word of it is true, but I feel like those things would be said in anger, so I hold my tongue. But I'm not angry now. I'm not even hurt. I'm resigned.
You speak to me of right and wrong. You act as though - and don't try to deny it, we both know you do - the fact that you lived a certain lifestyle entitles you to tell me what I'm doing wrong in my own life. Well, it is because of that very fact that you don't have that right. Advice, sure. Concern, of course. But you have no room to talk, and even less room to judge.
Yes, I'm getting a divorce. It sucks. You're pissed and hurt and disappointed. But you've had how many? 4? 5? Yes, I lived a lie by pretending to love my husband, but at least I tried to love him. Wasn't it you who married one of yours and blatantly told him he was nothing more than a paycheck to you? So, how exactly is what I did worse? I married X and tried to be there for him, and I genuinely cared for him as a friend. Your ex meant nothing to you, and you said it yourself when he asked you to marry him.
I've left the Mormon Church. I wrote to my bishop and asked him to have my name removed from the records. But before that, I lived what I believed. Yes I made some dire mistakes, but I lived what I believed as much as I was able and made amends when I fell short. As of this moment, I still live what I believe. But wasn't it you who once said that, even though you believed the Mormon Church was true, you were a 'foot in the door' kind of person, ushering people back in, but not wanting to take part yourself? And, even though you believed it to be true, you had no problem doing all of the things it says not to do. I'm not saying that you're a bad person for it, not in any way, shape, or form, but you didn't live what you believed. I do. So how am I a horrible person for that if you're not for doing what you did?
You have told me you will not support me. Fine. You have made it clear that you are disappointed and ashamed and angry. Fine. But just remember, I stood by you. As soon as I found you again, I stood by you. I stood by you when you decided to remarry your ex husband even though at first I didn't like it, and I was willing to learn more about him and was very pleasantly surprised. I stood by you when you told me that you believed the Mormon Church was true, but that you just were "not ready to live it". I stood by you when you told me you were leaving your husband and had two (or was it three?) boyfriends at the same time. I stood by you. Even if I was saddened by what you were doing, I stood by you. I supported you. And I loved you unconditionally. It saddens me that I cannot receive the same from you.
You told me once how you couldn't understand your father, and how his love has always been conditional. You told me that, if you love someone, that love should always be unconditional, and you couldn't understand how it could ever being anything other than that. Well, I guess you found out.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Reminiscences
K:
He was my first
love. I loved him with everything I
had. He was all I thought about, day and
night. I dreamed about him whenever I
didn’t talk to him. I made up every
possible excuse to get on the computer to check and see if he’d emailed
me. Everything I did I did for him. I adored that boy. When I looked at him I got butterflies. When he so much as brushed my hand, a
tingling like I’d never felt went up my spine.
And not in a lustful way. It was
more. So much more.
I don’t think our
relationship ever gained anyone’s ‘approval’.
After all, we were both quite young.
I was 14, he was turning 16. But
I didn’t care. I didn’t care what anyone
thought. I was happy. Happier than I’d ever been in my life.
Then I got scared. I knew he was good looking – half the school
wanted him for crying out loud! – and I got very nervous that he might leave
me. I became depressed. I think that’s probably part of what drove
him away. And when he did, my heart
broke. No, it more than broke. It shattered.
Into a million pieces. It took me
a long time to catch on (well, no offense to him, but he didn’t exactly break
up with me. At least not to ‘normal’
standards, so I was very confused!) but when I did I was devastated. But I loved him. And when I finally figured it out, I told him
I was sorry for the way I had acted. I
then told his new girlfriend that I was letting go, but I warned her not to
hurt him. I was very young, but I loved
him. And even though it killed me, I
wanted for his happiness more than my own.
It took me a very long
time to get over him. It was several,
several months before I stopped making every excuse to see him. It was a couple of years before I stopped
being willing to go out of my way to see him if the opportunity presented
itself. It was even longer before I
stopped checking his Facebook every now and then. Now the only time I ever look at his Facebook
is if he posts something I find particularly amusing. I’m very much over him, but I still hold a
special place in my heart for his memory.
S:
I didn’t mean to fall
in love with S. In fact, I meant not to.
But I fell, hard and fast. I
loved him just as much as I loved K.
Ours was a more passionate relationship (not that kind of passionate,
mind out of the gutter, thank you, haha), and full of ups and downs. But the ups were so up, and the downs weren’t all that bad. Any time I saw his name pop up on my phone, I
got excited. Anytime we Skyped, I was
thrilled. It was a long distance
relationship, and though we couldn’t do much together we found ways around
that; World of Warcraft became a staple.
Skype was a must. We played
online chess every now and then just to keep things ‘fresh’. Even though it was totally unorthodox, I was
happy with it.
Our relationship was
taboo, though. I was married (like I
said, I tried not to fall in love). “We”
could never be. We tried to keep things
on a ‘brother and sister’ kind of level, but that was more a façade for others’
sakes than anything. It was horrible and
wonderful all at once, but it had to stop, somehow, and we both knew it.
I got over S a lot
quicker than I got over K, and I have S to thank for that. Honestly, he changed. He changed so dramatically and drastically
that I barely recognized him. The sweet,
kind, loving, caring person I knew had been replaced by someone greedy, deceitful,
and lustful. He broke my heart, but in a
different kind of way than K had; K had crushed my heart. S crushed my soul. If the S I knew was still around, I’d
probably still be in love with him. But
he changed, and as much as I wanted to hold onto the S of the past, I
couldn’t. I still check up on him from
time to time, but it’s for much different reasons.
X:
Xwas sweet. He was shy, and very quiet, but sweet and
respectful. We rarely talked, but he was
a great kisser. We’d write notes back
and forth every class period. Mine were
always a page or two long. His were
barely a paragraph. I had a crush. But I wasn’t in love. X wasn’t who I wanted to be with. He wasn’t my first choice, or even my second
or third. My 1st choice was a
boy named Stephen Parry who didn’t know I existed (at least not at that point). I had a nickname for him when I didn’t know
his name, but for the life of me I couldn’t remember it. My second choice was a boy named Alex Rodriguez. He and I had Biology
together, and he was very handsome. I
wanted to ask him out to Masquerade but he’d been taken. Third was our friend, Rob, and I might’ve had
a chance there, but Caylee (his former girlfriend whom he was still in love
with and my best friend) broke up with her then-boyfriend and I knew she wanted
him back. So then there was X. And I wanted a boyfriend, so….
We got married. Most everyone approved of our relationship,
and I was proud to be one of the first of my friends to get married. We had a good, respectable life, and I made
it very public. The happiness I had in
our marriage came from the attention I got as a homemaker and wife of a
Marine. But inside our home I was
miserable. We never did anything
together; our relationship was just as stale as it had been in High
School. When we did do things together
it was forced. Honestly, it was when he
was deployed that I was the happiest. A
harsh truth, but truth none the less.
Now we’ve been
separated for going on four months. And
my heart isn’t broken at all. It aches
for him, but I don’t miss him. I don’t
check up on his Facebook. In fact, most
of the time I don’t think about or talk to him at all, except where Keira is
concerned. Not much different than how it had been during his deployments. I also hurt when people tell me how horrible
I am, but luckily that’s happening less and less and I’m getting more and more “I
love you”s and “I don’t judge you”s than I ever thought I’d get. If I felt even an ounce of the pain I’d felt
about losing K or while getting over S I would be inclined to
stay. But I don’t.
And honestly, I would
rather feel that pain all over again, than live feeling numb about the person I
am with. I want to find someone who can
break my heart into a million pieces, but who won’t. I want to find someone who, if they changed, would
crush my soul, but who refuses to do that.
I want to find someone who is just as sweet and respectful to me as X was in High School, but who I love as much – no, MORE! – as I loved K and S. And I think that maybe, just
maybe, I might have found that. Or, at
least the start. ;-)
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Unexpectations
I am very happy that an UNexpectation of mine has been met. Yes, I realize that's not a real word. I don't care. I just made it one. :-)
Anyway, my unexpectation has to do with my last post. In my last post I wrote about how I'd posted a note to Facebook explaining that X and I are divorcing and going over some of the other changes in my life (ie, my leaving the Mormon Church). Well, I expected it to upset several people. And it did upset a few, of that I'm certain. But what I didn't expect (aka, my unexpectation) was for it to inspire many people to let me know I have their support. And that's exactly what it did.
It started with a text. A friend I consider to be very dear to me, L, texted me and told me she was sorry she hadn't been their for me, and that she wanted me to know she loved me dearly and would stand by my side and be a good friend, as she always has. I was touched. I almost cried, in fact. Then I got a few messages on Facebook, all saying similar things.
Then the comments started trickling in, and I was absolutely amazed. I got dozens of responses, and thus far only one of them has been negative in any way (and even that one was justly deserved, in my opinion; every word she spoke was truth, and I brought it on myself)! I was shocked, speechless, and touched beyond words. I honestly expected to be yelled at, criticized, and belittled as I have so often over the past couple of months. But the love and support that poured in was completely unexpected. So far it's the best met unexpectation I've ever had. :-)
A few posts ago (in the post 'Crucible') I wrote about how this separation would sort out my true friends from those whose intentions aren't so pure. Well, it certainly has, and I'm so glad to say that I have many more true friends who seem to genuinely care than I had thought. :-) So, if you're one of those friends, thank you. Thank you for your love, your support, and for accepting me for who I am. I can't tell you what it means to me.
In the mean time, I'll work on having more unexpectations. When you have expectations you are often let down. However, when you stay positive but have many unexpectations, you just might be pleasantly surprised!
Anyway, my unexpectation has to do with my last post. In my last post I wrote about how I'd posted a note to Facebook explaining that X and I are divorcing and going over some of the other changes in my life (ie, my leaving the Mormon Church). Well, I expected it to upset several people. And it did upset a few, of that I'm certain. But what I didn't expect (aka, my unexpectation) was for it to inspire many people to let me know I have their support. And that's exactly what it did.
It started with a text. A friend I consider to be very dear to me, L, texted me and told me she was sorry she hadn't been their for me, and that she wanted me to know she loved me dearly and would stand by my side and be a good friend, as she always has. I was touched. I almost cried, in fact. Then I got a few messages on Facebook, all saying similar things.
Then the comments started trickling in, and I was absolutely amazed. I got dozens of responses, and thus far only one of them has been negative in any way (and even that one was justly deserved, in my opinion; every word she spoke was truth, and I brought it on myself)! I was shocked, speechless, and touched beyond words. I honestly expected to be yelled at, criticized, and belittled as I have so often over the past couple of months. But the love and support that poured in was completely unexpected. So far it's the best met unexpectation I've ever had. :-)
A few posts ago (in the post 'Crucible') I wrote about how this separation would sort out my true friends from those whose intentions aren't so pure. Well, it certainly has, and I'm so glad to say that I have many more true friends who seem to genuinely care than I had thought. :-) So, if you're one of those friends, thank you. Thank you for your love, your support, and for accepting me for who I am. I can't tell you what it means to me.
In the mean time, I'll work on having more unexpectations. When you have expectations you are often let down. However, when you stay positive but have many unexpectations, you just might be pleasantly surprised!
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Facebook Post
I did a good deal of thinking and - after having to explain things to several different people who keep finding out things through the "grape vine" - I decided to go public. Officially, that is. The following is copied and pasted directly from my face book page(s):
Most people have heard this by now. Others may have guessed it. So I’m going to come right out and say that
there are a few big changes going on in my life right now.
The first one is that [X] and I split up and are getting a divorce. We split up in March, actually. We live in separate residences and everything. We are sharing custody of our daughter and keeping a civil – and as friendly as possible – relationship. The reasons of our split are between us and ONLY us (in other words, no matter how good you feel your intentions are, please try to refrain from poking and prodding for details, or spreading around what you think you ‘know’ [remember, there are three sides to every story: his side, her side, and the truth]. It shouldn’t matter to you who’s ‘fault’ it is, and there are no ‘sides’. This sucks for us both, and it’s as simple as that). I ask and I’m sure that he’d agree that things remain civil between all of our friends and family, whether it’s toward us or each other. This is truly a trying time for us both.
The second one is that I have left the LDS (Mormon) Church. I don’t think it’s “bad” at all, nor will I participate in any slandering of it (in fact I feel that criticizing someone for their beliefs is very wrong and not at all okay in God’s eyes), but I have done extensive research – on BOTH sides – and I don’t feel it’s true. If you’re curious as to why that is, I’d be happy to tell you, but it is NOT up for debate, so please don’t try. Also, I’d appreciate it if those of my LDS friends would refrain from saying to themselves or others “Oh, well I *know* she knows it’s true, she’s just going through a hard time/she just wants to do her own thing/whatever.” The fact of the matter is, you do *not* know that I know it’s true, and the only two people who know what’s in my head are me, and God. I *don’t* know that it’s true; I’m actually pretty darn certain that it’s not. This was a hard and painful decision for me to make, and certainly not one that I made lightly. So please, please refrain from criticizing me for it. Just like that was a hard decision for me to make, posting this was a pretty hard thing for me to do.
I guess now I should tell you a little about who I am, and who I’ve decided to be:
I am a Christian, plain and simple. I believe in Christ and God and the Holy Ghost. I believe Christ is our Savior and by coming unto Him is how we are saved. I am also a mother, and I love my baby girl more than anything in this world. I am a daughter and a sister, and a *person*. I have recently discovered vanilla chai and coffee and I *love* them, but only drink them occasionally. I have now worn an off-the-shoulder shirt and a tank top out in public, and felt neither overly revealing, ‘bad’, or ‘evil’ in any way. I still love my sleeved shirts, but I don’t think tanks are bad and will probably wear them from time to time on hot days. I do not do drugs. I do not drink. I do not smoke. I am considering getting a tattoo, but I’m not sure on that one yet (I’m waiting til my 21st birthday. If I still want it then, I will get it. If not, I won’t). I will always try to be respectful of someone else’s beliefs, no matter what they are. I will always care about others’ feelings, but not always at my own personal expense. However, I do believe there are perfectly appropriate times for such sacrifices to be made, and I will do so accordingly. I am still kind and tender-hearted, and hurtful words still cause me pain. I will always do what I can to make others happy, and I’m often told I’m ‘too nice’, but I want to stay that way. I’ll be your friend, even when you’re not mine, and I’ll support you when you need my support, even if I don’t have yours. I will try to live my life in a Christ-like way, though I readily admit that I have my own flaws that I need to work on.
That’s pretty much it, for now. Oh, but I do have to say one more thing: I’ve heard from a few sources that there are some that think my ‘Energy Therapy’ is the cause of my recent ‘changes’. Well, I just wanted to let everyone know that I haven’t had any sessions since before [X] moved out. True, he asked me to take a break and I said no, but it was a moot ‘no’ anyway, since I stopped getting clients right about then. Not that I mind; it’s been nice to nanny and such, as I’ve been doing to pay the bills. I’ve had a couple ‘free’ sessions, but none of them actually consisted in Energy Therapy at all, just explaining what it was. I hope that clears that up, but if it doesn’t, oh well.
That’s all I have to say for now. Take from it what you will. If you find you can no longer be my friend, for whatever reason, you know where the delete button is. But if you’re reading this and I call you ‘friend’, at least know that I’ll be here for you, no matter what, regardless of whether you delete me or not. :-)
Goodnight everyone.
-Amber
The first one is that [X] and I split up and are getting a divorce. We split up in March, actually. We live in separate residences and everything. We are sharing custody of our daughter and keeping a civil – and as friendly as possible – relationship. The reasons of our split are between us and ONLY us (in other words, no matter how good you feel your intentions are, please try to refrain from poking and prodding for details, or spreading around what you think you ‘know’ [remember, there are three sides to every story: his side, her side, and the truth]. It shouldn’t matter to you who’s ‘fault’ it is, and there are no ‘sides’. This sucks for us both, and it’s as simple as that). I ask and I’m sure that he’d agree that things remain civil between all of our friends and family, whether it’s toward us or each other. This is truly a trying time for us both.
The second one is that I have left the LDS (Mormon) Church. I don’t think it’s “bad” at all, nor will I participate in any slandering of it (in fact I feel that criticizing someone for their beliefs is very wrong and not at all okay in God’s eyes), but I have done extensive research – on BOTH sides – and I don’t feel it’s true. If you’re curious as to why that is, I’d be happy to tell you, but it is NOT up for debate, so please don’t try. Also, I’d appreciate it if those of my LDS friends would refrain from saying to themselves or others “Oh, well I *know* she knows it’s true, she’s just going through a hard time/she just wants to do her own thing/whatever.” The fact of the matter is, you do *not* know that I know it’s true, and the only two people who know what’s in my head are me, and God. I *don’t* know that it’s true; I’m actually pretty darn certain that it’s not. This was a hard and painful decision for me to make, and certainly not one that I made lightly. So please, please refrain from criticizing me for it. Just like that was a hard decision for me to make, posting this was a pretty hard thing for me to do.
I guess now I should tell you a little about who I am, and who I’ve decided to be:
I am a Christian, plain and simple. I believe in Christ and God and the Holy Ghost. I believe Christ is our Savior and by coming unto Him is how we are saved. I am also a mother, and I love my baby girl more than anything in this world. I am a daughter and a sister, and a *person*. I have recently discovered vanilla chai and coffee and I *love* them, but only drink them occasionally. I have now worn an off-the-shoulder shirt and a tank top out in public, and felt neither overly revealing, ‘bad’, or ‘evil’ in any way. I still love my sleeved shirts, but I don’t think tanks are bad and will probably wear them from time to time on hot days. I do not do drugs. I do not drink. I do not smoke. I am considering getting a tattoo, but I’m not sure on that one yet (I’m waiting til my 21st birthday. If I still want it then, I will get it. If not, I won’t). I will always try to be respectful of someone else’s beliefs, no matter what they are. I will always care about others’ feelings, but not always at my own personal expense. However, I do believe there are perfectly appropriate times for such sacrifices to be made, and I will do so accordingly. I am still kind and tender-hearted, and hurtful words still cause me pain. I will always do what I can to make others happy, and I’m often told I’m ‘too nice’, but I want to stay that way. I’ll be your friend, even when you’re not mine, and I’ll support you when you need my support, even if I don’t have yours. I will try to live my life in a Christ-like way, though I readily admit that I have my own flaws that I need to work on.
That’s pretty much it, for now. Oh, but I do have to say one more thing: I’ve heard from a few sources that there are some that think my ‘Energy Therapy’ is the cause of my recent ‘changes’. Well, I just wanted to let everyone know that I haven’t had any sessions since before [X] moved out. True, he asked me to take a break and I said no, but it was a moot ‘no’ anyway, since I stopped getting clients right about then. Not that I mind; it’s been nice to nanny and such, as I’ve been doing to pay the bills. I’ve had a couple ‘free’ sessions, but none of them actually consisted in Energy Therapy at all, just explaining what it was. I hope that clears that up, but if it doesn’t, oh well.
That’s all I have to say for now. Take from it what you will. If you find you can no longer be my friend, for whatever reason, you know where the delete button is. But if you’re reading this and I call you ‘friend’, at least know that I’ll be here for you, no matter what, regardless of whether you delete me or not. :-)
Goodnight everyone.
-Amber
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