There is someone in particular that I love very much. I"ll always love her. But recently she's been pissing me off beyond words. Today was the last straw. She posted many, many private things on my Facebook, tried to publicly humiliate me (tried, being the key word here. She would only have succeeded if I let her), and then justified herself by saying that I had publicly humiliated her first. How, I ask, did I humiliate her?? My only guess is that my post (the one where I confirmed the rumors that X and I are divorcing and where I denounced my LDS faith) offended her and that she felt humiliated. Well, tough. I was telling of things in my life, not hers. And to be perfectly honest, I'm tired of her hypocritical attitude.
I have a very big problem: I keep my mouth shut. A LOT. I hold my tongue when I should speak. And why do I do that?? Because I don't want to step on any toes. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I don't want to be disrespectful. But often - mostly by this person, I'm afraid - that comes back to bite me in the ass. So this next bit is to her. She'll know exactly who she is if she ever reads it (although to avoid any confusion, know that if you never created a password for me, it isn't you).
There have been a lot of times when - during our fights - I have fallen silent, or sputtered with nothing to say. Usually these times are followed by you implying that i have nothing to say for myself. But this couldn't be further from the truth. I have plenty to say. But I don't say it because I don't want to hurt you. Every single word of it is true, but I feel like those things would be said in anger, so I hold my tongue. But I'm not angry now. I'm not even hurt. I'm resigned.
You speak to me of right and wrong. You act as though - and don't try to deny it, we both know you do - the fact that you lived a certain lifestyle entitles you to tell me what I'm doing wrong in my own life. Well, it is because of that very fact that you don't have that right. Advice, sure. Concern, of course. But you have no room to talk, and even less room to judge.
Yes, I'm getting a divorce. It sucks. You're pissed and hurt and disappointed. But you've had how many? 4? 5? Yes, I lived a lie by pretending to love my husband, but at least I tried to love him. Wasn't it you who married one of yours and blatantly told him he was nothing more than a paycheck to you? So, how exactly is what I did worse? I married X and tried to be there for him, and I genuinely cared for him as a friend. Your ex meant nothing to you, and you said it yourself when he asked you to marry him.
I've left the Mormon Church. I wrote to my bishop and asked him to have my name removed from the records. But before that, I lived what I believed. Yes I made some dire mistakes, but I lived what I believed as much as I was able and made amends when I fell short. As of this moment, I still live what I believe. But wasn't it you who once said that, even though you believed the Mormon Church was true, you were a 'foot in the door' kind of person, ushering people back in, but not wanting to take part yourself? And, even though you believed it to be true, you had no problem doing all of the things it says not to do. I'm not saying that you're a bad person for it, not in any way, shape, or form, but you didn't live what you believed. I do. So how am I a horrible person for that if you're not for doing what you did?
You have told me you will not support me. Fine. You have made it clear that you are disappointed and ashamed and angry. Fine. But just remember, I stood by you. As soon as I found you again, I stood by you. I stood by you when you decided to remarry your ex husband even though at first I didn't like it, and I was willing to learn more about him and was very pleasantly surprised. I stood by you when you told me that you believed the Mormon Church was true, but that you just were "not ready to live it". I stood by you when you told me you were leaving your husband and had two (or was it three?) boyfriends at the same time. I stood by you. Even if I was saddened by what you were doing, I stood by you. I supported you. And I loved you unconditionally. It saddens me that I cannot receive the same from you.
You told me once how you couldn't understand your father, and how his love has always been conditional. You told me that, if you love someone, that love should always be unconditional, and you couldn't understand how it could ever being anything other than that. Well, I guess you found out.
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