Humility

Humility is certainly a hard pill to swallow. :-/ Unfortunately – or fortunately, maybe? – I got a rather large dose of it this afternoon.

I was venting to a close friend of mine about how frustrated I am seeing X’s Facebook posts about going to the Mormon Temple soon, and saying he’s “almost that same” (or something to that effect) as he was before the split, when I know for a fact the things he’s done and that he is indeed very different than he was before.  It was hard for me to see that, because I felt like it was a personal attack.  But let’s be honest here… it’s not.

As I was talking with this friend I started saying that I really shouldn’t be behaving that way, because I know that X’s posts aren’t a personal attack against me.  She let me know that it’s okay to vent, but then shed some light on the situation which I had been too blinded by indignation to see myself… she said, “I understand, but weren’t you doing something similar by posting your professions of love for X on fb while having an affair w/S?  (Not to be harsh, just to help you cool down.)”

To say I felt humble after that would be a bit of an understatement.  She was very, very right.  I have absolutely no room, whatsoever, to judge X’s actions.  I did what I felt I needed to do because I was ashamed.  He is doing similar – if not the exact same – things.  So who am I to declare – even in my own head – that he is wrong for doing so when I did the same thing myself??  Humble pie isn’t always the most delightful thing, but sometimes it is exactly what we need.

To say I’m ashamed of how I felt about X’s posts does my thoughts and feelings no justice.  I feel very small, actually, knowing that he is hurting and I am very much the cause of that pain, and yet I was judging him and the words he said outwardly to others (not even to me!).  If that is what he feels he must do, then good for him.  I wish him the best.  And I pray that, if I start getting too “big for my britches” about such things again, that the Lord will again send me such a great friend as he did today to help me see things in a clearer light.

Baby Sign Language

To be perfectly honest, I'm adding these for the benefit of those who I don't correspond with.  I'm very proud of my precious girl. :-) She's so smart!! Below are videos of her saying different words we practice (and use) daily in sign language. This one is "food".

"Milk"

"Blow Kisses"

"Fold Your Arms" and "Yay"

"Thank You"

"Cereal"

"Please"

Once Upon A Time...

Once upon a time there was a couple.  That couple had their problems.  In fact, one of the problems was so big that the couple eventually split up.  But before that, the couple were friends.

They were such good friends, in fact, that they promised each other that, no matter what, they would always be friends.  They promised that even if they broke up, that they'd always be nice to each other and try to be friends.  They owed that to each other, they said.

The couple had a baby, and when that baby was born they made another promise that they would never, ever, take the baby away from the other person.  They said that that baby deserved to be with both parents, not just one or the other.

Well, time passed, and the couple did break up.  It was very sad, and very hard for both of them.  At first they tried to keep their promises.  They were nice to each other, and even though they argued more than they had in the past.  Then things started to go bad.

She had done some very bad things, and had hurt him very badly.  He was angry and hurt - understandably so - and even though at first he tried to be nice, eventually that anger and hurt festered and he began to do and say things that were very mean and heartless.  Even though he had every right to be angry and hurt, the way he started to handle it was very wrong.

She tried to be understanding.  Of course she had her flaws, and obviously she had her selfish moments, but more than anything she tried to make sure he knew she was trying to make things as easy for him as possible.  She often asked, "You know I'm trying to help, right?" or said, "I don't want to make you feel like I'm taking advantage of you.  Do you feel that way?" and he would always tell her that yes, he knew she was trying to help, and no, he didn't feel taken advantage of.  On the few occasions he did, she tried to fix it.  Not everything could be fixed, of course, but she did try.

Above all else, she was concerned about their child.  She told him again and again and again that they could put on paper that he had her 51% of the time so that he could stay in his apartment and keep his BAH, as long as he didn't try to take the baby from her.  She knew that it was in the baby's best interest to have both parents.  She had a very bad feeling, though, and constantly asked him if he was going to try to take their daughter away.  He told her no, and she tried to trust him.  After all, he had promised, hadn't he?

Then one day he gave her permission to use his computer.  While she was on, she checked her email and Facebook, but he was already logged in. She found an email between him and his cousin.  In the email he had said that he was trying to gather 'evidence' to make sure that he had full custody of the child.  In another email to someone else he said very similar things.  She was devastated.  She copied and pasted the email, just to be safe, and sent it to herself.  She also found several other emails, proving he was doing very illegal things.  She was shocked at that, because he had always been the type to outwardly protest those sorts of things.  She copied and pasted those, too.

She asked him several times after that if he was trying to take their baby away from her.  She literally prayed that he would come clean and be honest with her, that maybe they could talk things out, and keep the promises they had made: to be friends and to never take their baby away from the other person.  But he continued to lie to her, and that made her very sad.

She was cornered; she couldn't let him take their baby, and he had been doing and saying some very mean and wrong things to her, and she couldn't let him do that anymore.  So she did what she had to do.  She almost backed out several times, but she knew it needed to be done.

Because of what she did he was told he had to move out of his apartment.  He was also told that he wouldn't be allowed to have their baby except for every other weekend.  It broke her heart and she cried when she did it, because their baby deserved to be with him, too, not just her.  It also made her very sad because they had promised....

After that he became very, very mean.  Even meaner than he had been before.  He started saying hurtful things, and talking to her in very inappropriate ways, even in front of their daughter.  When she asked him to stop, he'd simply say, "What's wrong with it?" or just ignore her.

She was very sad because of this.  Things had gone so badly, and it broke her heart.  She knew that divorce was a hard thing, but why couldn't they just be friends, like they had promised?  Why couldn't they at least be civil, for their baby's sake?  And, most of all, why couldn't their baby be with both of them?  Why did he force her hand into ensuring the child was only with her?  That wasn't fair to the baby.

The funny thing was, even though he had been very, very mean to her, and even though he had been trying to take their child away from her, she was still willing to keep those promises.  She was still willing to try to be friends, and to let him have the baby 50% of the time.  Not 51% on paper, not anymore, but still 50%.  If he would just keep his promises, and not try to take the baby away anymore, she would happily share the baby 50% of the time, because even though she loved having the baby 90% of the time, she knew it was best for the baby to have equal time with both parents.

Maybe one day she and he can be friends, or at least be civil to each other.  Maybe someday the baby can be with both parents, for equal lengths of time.  One can only pray.

The End.

Love

So remember how I blogged not too long ago about how I know I'm in love with J, but sadly I haven't been able to tell him because of his 'guidelines'?  Well... :-3

Okay, so the day I got back from my visit to see my family (which was AWESOME, by the way :) I spent a lot of time with my family, including my soul sister, C, and w/some amazing friends, and I got my tattoo!!) I was SOOO excited to see J!  Due to some rather odd circumstances - which turned out to be very funny, actually - I was home for several hours before he came over.  But when he did, I was THRILLED to see him!  He brought with him a present for me for my birthday: 3 boxes of puzzles, a very yummy-smelling candle, and a card which absolutely melted my heart :-3  It said, "I am forever blessed by having you in my life.  I can't even begin to tell you how happy you make me feel.  So my wish for you on your birthday is that God blesses you tenfold for the blessings you gave me."  Talk about sweet!

After that we hung out, talked, watched some Castle (a hilariously captivating TV series) and just spent time together.  At one point I was looking at him, and the urge to blurt out "I love you!" was suddenly almost overwhelming...

I didn't, though.  Instead I said, "I have to tell you something, and I just need you to listen for a minute."  He agreed, and so I began.  At first I was kind of going on and on, and I didn't make much sense even to myself.  I said that I needed to tell him something, even if it meant that he didn't say it back, because if anything happened and I hadn't told him I'd regret it for the rest of my life.  Finally I said it... those three words I'd been dying to say for nearly two months now...  "I love you."

I kissed him then, and as soon as the kiss ended he said, "I love you, too."  I could've died of happiness.  I'm not sure exactly what I said after that, but I was so happy!  I do remember asking him if he meant it (I probably just said, "Really?") and he answered affirmatively.  I was amazed.  It was one of the happiest moments of my life, second only to the moment my sweet angel of a daughter came into this world.  :-)

We talked for a while after that, and come to find out, he has wanted to say it just as long as I have!  Apparently he was going to several times because he thought I was going to, but when I didn't he never did.  That totally surprised me because of his guidelines.  He also told me that he was surprised at how soon he realized he loved me (we'd only been dating 2 months at that point, after all), but that it felt right, and that's what mattered to him.  That made me very happy, too.  :-)

The best part, to me, is that J truly loves K, too.  He acknowledges and completely accepts that he is not her father, and that I will not let her call him 'Daddy' until she is old enough to decide for herself and knows what that word means (at that point the decision is hers alone to make, whether she will or won't).  But even knowing that, he loves her very much and already thinks of things in her future.  To me that is the very best part.

I am so happy, and I am so blessed.  Even though I've done many stupid things in my life, the Lord loves me, and He has blessed me with a second chance with a man that I truly love.  My heart breaks for X, it really does, because I know that I've hurt him, but I am so happy with J and I cannot give that up.  I will not.  I am so grateful to God for all of my blessings.  :-) I only hope I can continue to do whatever it was that I did to deserve them.

Change of Plans

Today on my way to church, I have a conversation with God.  It was mostly one-sided (I mostly talk and He mostly listens) but it was still a conversation.  In that conversation I vented to Him about how unfair I felt it was that my mother is spreading some very harmful, hurtful lies about me.  I told Him I didn’t think it was fair that my dirty laundry was being aired out – and magnified into something much greater than it actually is! – while X’s remains safely hidden away even though I have the power to change that very quickly (and believe me, the actual truth would cause far greater of a stir than the fiction and twisted tales being told about me).  I mean, I told Heavenly Father, there are two sides of ever story, and it hurts that there are so many who instantly believe only X’s and don’t ask for mine.

In the course of this conversation, I realized how incredibly selfish I was being.  I was being angry and vindictive and very self-defensive, and not at all humble.  The problem was, I didn’t want to be humble.  Not yet.  But I wanted to want to be humble, so I asked God to help me be humbled, and that if He could perhaps give me some sort of message that I could use during the Sunday Sermon, I would be forever grateful.

…The Sermon was on forgiveness.  Not just forgiveness, either, but on the difference between righteous and unrighteous anger, and how important it is to never act out of unrighteous anger.  Unrighteous anger is vengeful and self-defensive and seeks to get back at others and wants revenge.  Righteous anger is angry at sin, but never at the person.  Righteous anger seeks solutions, never revenge.  My anger certainly was not righteous.

I realized in that moment that I needed to make some changes, and I felt humbled and ashamed of my behavior.  I have been seriously wronged, but that does not justify my anger.  God commanded us to forgive ALL men their trespasses against us, just as HE forgave us.  That doesn’t mean we can hold a grudge in some cases as long as we forgive in others, but that we must forgive at ALL times.  I certainly have not been a very brightly shining beacon of that love and forgiveness over the past couple of days.

And so I have this to say: I put out a warning on Facebook that if the lies didn’t stop I would unveil the truth about X (no, mother, it was never about you).  Well, I’m rescinding that warning.  The evidence I have would completely ruin X’s reputation among his friends and family, and although that would more than make up for the hurt I have felt, I have no right to do that to him.  Just as he and those who aided him had no right to do that to me.  Two wrongs will never make a right, and I know that by doing so I would be upsetting my Father in Heaven.  I never want to do that. 

Suffice it to say, the reason I have K is a very, very good one, and the fact that X has to move back to the barracks is actually not my call at all, but legally he is supposed to.  If you do not know the details, please don’t ask.  Feel free to ask him, but I won’t ruin his image by telling you myself.  

I am honestly kind of grateful.  Over the past few months my true friends have made themselves known.  They are those who don’t immediately believe horrible things about me, but ask me my side of the story.  They are those who don’t judge me but are willing to tell me they love me and are here for me.  Sometimes it may take them a while (we’re human and sometimes human emotions take over) but they have made themselves known.  So the lies that have been posted about me the past couple days have really only strengthened my confidence in my true friends, because each and every one of them who saw the posts concerning me have contacted me to let me know they don’t believe a word, ask me the real truth (which I tell them: the good, the bad, and the ugly), and tell me they think my mother is absolutely crazy.  So honestly, thank you.  I appreciate the extra fortification in my friendships.

I want to be a reflection of my Savior.  I cannot possibly do that if I am holding a grudge, or already plotting my revenge.  So I’m letting it go.  Say what you will.  Post whatever ‘evidence’ you think you have.  I refuse to allow you to live rent-free in my head.  I don’t think that’s how our Father in Heaven wants us to live, and so I will not live that way.  He is a loving God, and loves each of us unconditionally.  Although I fall short every time, I want to be like Him.  The first step is letting go and letting God.  That is what I plan to do.