Change of Plans

Today on my way to church, I have a conversation with God.  It was mostly one-sided (I mostly talk and He mostly listens) but it was still a conversation.  In that conversation I vented to Him about how unfair I felt it was that my mother is spreading some very harmful, hurtful lies about me.  I told Him I didn’t think it was fair that my dirty laundry was being aired out – and magnified into something much greater than it actually is! – while X’s remains safely hidden away even though I have the power to change that very quickly (and believe me, the actual truth would cause far greater of a stir than the fiction and twisted tales being told about me).  I mean, I told Heavenly Father, there are two sides of ever story, and it hurts that there are so many who instantly believe only X’s and don’t ask for mine.

In the course of this conversation, I realized how incredibly selfish I was being.  I was being angry and vindictive and very self-defensive, and not at all humble.  The problem was, I didn’t want to be humble.  Not yet.  But I wanted to want to be humble, so I asked God to help me be humbled, and that if He could perhaps give me some sort of message that I could use during the Sunday Sermon, I would be forever grateful.

…The Sermon was on forgiveness.  Not just forgiveness, either, but on the difference between righteous and unrighteous anger, and how important it is to never act out of unrighteous anger.  Unrighteous anger is vengeful and self-defensive and seeks to get back at others and wants revenge.  Righteous anger is angry at sin, but never at the person.  Righteous anger seeks solutions, never revenge.  My anger certainly was not righteous.

I realized in that moment that I needed to make some changes, and I felt humbled and ashamed of my behavior.  I have been seriously wronged, but that does not justify my anger.  God commanded us to forgive ALL men their trespasses against us, just as HE forgave us.  That doesn’t mean we can hold a grudge in some cases as long as we forgive in others, but that we must forgive at ALL times.  I certainly have not been a very brightly shining beacon of that love and forgiveness over the past couple of days.

And so I have this to say: I put out a warning on Facebook that if the lies didn’t stop I would unveil the truth about X (no, mother, it was never about you).  Well, I’m rescinding that warning.  The evidence I have would completely ruin X’s reputation among his friends and family, and although that would more than make up for the hurt I have felt, I have no right to do that to him.  Just as he and those who aided him had no right to do that to me.  Two wrongs will never make a right, and I know that by doing so I would be upsetting my Father in Heaven.  I never want to do that. 

Suffice it to say, the reason I have K is a very, very good one, and the fact that X has to move back to the barracks is actually not my call at all, but legally he is supposed to.  If you do not know the details, please don’t ask.  Feel free to ask him, but I won’t ruin his image by telling you myself.  

I am honestly kind of grateful.  Over the past few months my true friends have made themselves known.  They are those who don’t immediately believe horrible things about me, but ask me my side of the story.  They are those who don’t judge me but are willing to tell me they love me and are here for me.  Sometimes it may take them a while (we’re human and sometimes human emotions take over) but they have made themselves known.  So the lies that have been posted about me the past couple days have really only strengthened my confidence in my true friends, because each and every one of them who saw the posts concerning me have contacted me to let me know they don’t believe a word, ask me the real truth (which I tell them: the good, the bad, and the ugly), and tell me they think my mother is absolutely crazy.  So honestly, thank you.  I appreciate the extra fortification in my friendships.

I want to be a reflection of my Savior.  I cannot possibly do that if I am holding a grudge, or already plotting my revenge.  So I’m letting it go.  Say what you will.  Post whatever ‘evidence’ you think you have.  I refuse to allow you to live rent-free in my head.  I don’t think that’s how our Father in Heaven wants us to live, and so I will not live that way.  He is a loving God, and loves each of us unconditionally.  Although I fall short every time, I want to be like Him.  The first step is letting go and letting God.  That is what I plan to do.