D (I won't name your full name because it's public),
You have been on my mind a lot lately. And by lately, I mean past year and a half, or so. I know that probably doesn’t seem likely, but it’s the absolute truth. I miss you, sister. And I am so, so sorry.
Believe me, I know it doesn’t seem it, but I have always loved you so, so much. When we went to live with my parents, once I finally realized you wouldn’t be coming with (please try to remember, I was only Keira’s age) I was devastated. I used to cry into my pillow because I missed you so much. I used to pretend to play with you, like I had before we had to go. You were so, so missed, I cannot even begin to describe how bad it hurt. I missed you more than even mom, and remember that at that point I missed mom a TON.
I don’t think I ever told you how close you and I were, but oh we were. You were so young, just a baby really, but oh how I loved you. Playing with you, just being with you, was pretty much my favorite thing in the world.
There is a memory that I cherish. A few, actually, but one stands out in my mind because of it’s symbolism….
We made rules once. Our parents, and us kids (B, C, and I. Well, mostly B and I, C was still quite young, and you were a baby.) each made rules, one for the other. We were sitting in the dining area by the door, across from the brown-carpeted living-room, in the apartment that had the pool. I think the linoleum beneath the table was yellow… but I digress.
The ONLY rule I can remember, and only because it was SO important to me personally, is one from us kids to the parents - “No yelling at the kids, or you can’t play with D.”
You were the reward. I loved you so much that I considered not being able to play with you a punishment. That is how important you were to me. That is how important you still are.
I used to beg my parents to adopt you and P. When I finally got old enough to understand why that couldn’t happen, I used to beg them to let me come visit, or bring you out for a visit. I missed you so much, it hurt more than anything I’d known at the time. I wish I had thought to write you letters, but sadly that’s something that most kids just don’t think about. They have to be prompted (at least for the first one: “How about we send them a letter?”) by an adult. And I never was. :-(
But oh how I missed you. That never stopped.
When we got to go visit Grandma and Papa, and I knew I would get to see you, I was so excited. I wanted to see Grandma and Papa, sure, but more than that I wanted to see you guys. Especially you. I actually remember being pretty disappointed that all you two wanted to do was indoor stuff, because I wanted to go out and play with you, haha.
I recently heard a song that reminds me of you. It's called Village, by CAM It reminds me of how much I love you, and how proud I am of you. You have grown into such a beautiful woman, and I know you are already an amazing mother. I am so proud of you. You have come so very far in your life, and I know that the rest of it is going to be amazing.
...The end of the song, and even the chorus, is bitter-sweet…
When we had the chance to be close, I didn’t take it. It’s a lame excuse, I know, but I was nervous. You were so grown up, and we were total strangers now. How could I possibly expect you to want me in your life? It wasn’t until much later - and far too late - that I realized that you did. By then, Alex and I were divorcing, and then mom wanted me gone, so I stayed away. I didn’t want to. Even then I wanted to repair it.
By the time we finally had the chance again - and for a while we did talk. Not as often as probably we should have, but that was more due to the fact that I suck at staying in touch (ask C. Though I’m actually actively working on it lately) - I thought maybe we had a chance at connecting, like I’d wanted to.
But then J (husband 2) started cheating on me and wouldn’t stop, and my life spiraled into a pit of depression. I got to the point that I was nearly suicidal, and I felt like no one - not even close friends - would want me to contact them. It was a very dark time, and I’m so very sorry that I couldn’t fight it enough to at the very least text you.
It was in the middle of this depression that things came to a head with Cheryl. After that I just assumed I was unwelcome. I wish now that I had at least asked you, verified if that was even the case, but I didn’t. And I am so, sorry.
So like I said, parts of the song are bittersweet. Because although I hope and pray that someday I will be able to show you I’ve learned from my mistakes, and that I really am trying to be the person that stays in touch, right now that is not the case. And I completely understand why.
I wanted to write this to you in a letter, or an email. But you have made it clear that you want me to leave you alone, and I love you enough to respect your boundaries. Even if it hurts.
But if you come looking for me, know that I am thinking of you. I am always thinking of you. I see you from time to time in C’s photos, and I wonder how you’re doing. And I pray all the time that you will know, that if you ever need me, I don’t care how much time has passed: I am here for you. I will always love you, sister.
And I wish you well, no matter where your life may take you. I pray someday, as I have since I was very young, that it will lead you back into mine.
Your sister always,
Amber
