Pages of the Past...

I found these old journal entries, starting about seven months before the end of my second marriage.

I’m sharing not to sully the name of my ex, but to share my story with those who seek solidarity...

And to those individuals I say:
You are not alone.
You are worth loving.
You deserve better.
It is not your fault.

I love you 💗

 

This was the last entry before I told him it was over. Reading it again... it couldn’t feel more fitting. 

Dropping the Kool-Aid

I’m tired of the bullshit

That says, “Watch what you do;

For every single action 

Brings the same back to you.”

I’m tired of well-meaners

Who tirelessly remind 

That every word that’s spoken 

Brings more to you in kind 

I’m sick of the enthusiasts 

(And I myself was one)

That tell you your vibration

Can bring misery or fun 

I’m not saying that’s not true

(though who can say they KNOW?)

This verse, it isn’t writ to say

“Don’t listen; it’s not so!”

No, that’s not what I’m saying

No, that’s not what I think

All I’m trying to imply is:

Look closer at that drink

Maybe the ingredients

Of the Kool-Aid in your hand

Aren’t quite what you think they are

Aren’t what you understand

Cuz as I have looked closer

At this drink I once devoured 

The veil, the shroud, has come apart 

The illusion’s soured 

Cuz each of those “dear phrases”

(And several more in kind)

Sure, they have made me look closer

At the products born of Mind

But have they made a difference?

I guess indeed they have

But that difference, it’s not one

That was begat of love

The difference is judgement.

Yes, judgment is the key

That I’ve been using on each door

The Universe sent to me

“Oh don’t do that, cuz that is bad”

“Oh don’t say that, it’s wrong”

I’ve been so busy judging me

I’ve missed out on the Song

The Song that is composed of

Each thought, action, and whim

Yet even in my missing it,

I helped compose this Hymn

So putting down my judgements 

Of Love, or Fear, or Hate

I think I’ll choose to just Accept 

And in my Fear.... create. 

To You

I know that I was wrong

I know I don't know

I know that in naivete

I hurt and shattered you

I cannot scarcely fathom

The pain, the hurt I caused

The scars upon your heart

That I inflicted with my vows

I never meant to hurt you

But still I know I did

And no number of “I'm sorry”s

Could replace history's bid

But I do not regret it

And not for why you'd think

(Truly I'd do most anything

To pull you from that brink)

No, in spite of all the pain

I wish I could relieve,

When I look back upon those days

I don't regret. I do not grieve.

For I needed those moments,

I needed that stain.

I needed to feel that guilt

I needed that pain

I needed to feel them,

Then needed to move on

To look myself right in the eye…

Until that guilt was gone.

And truthfully, I can't say

That I am there just yet

For guilt does not eas’ly let go

And shame does not forget

But there is something greater than

the shame that shades this face;

I know when I forgive myself

I'll have accepted Grace

For you didn't deserve it

Any more than He -

That man who died upon that cross

To Save both You and Me

I'm not asking forgiveness

Nor asking to forget

I'm not asking you to move on

If you're not ready yet

But what I'm trying to say is,

If nothing else is true:

Just as I strive to love myself

I'll keep on loving you.

To the Residents of Anywhere

I have lived in this city for a year and a half.

When I first got here, I was optimistic.  After a while, sad.  A little longer, bitter.  Now, after months of soul searching, self-evaluation, prayer, and - thank Divinity - healing, I am leaving soon... and I am once more optimistic for my own future. 

What I'm writing about, however, is yours.

Many of you have lived here your entire lives, and many would leave if you felt you could.  Well first of all... you can.  Nothing's stopping you - not time, not money, not family obligations - but yourself.   If leaving is calling to you, then go. There will never be a perfect time to go... do it anyway.  There will never be enough money to move... do it anyway.  Family will always need or want something... take care of yourself, first.

But if staying is your preference, then I have some things to say.

We live in a place where sexism is rampant, classism is abundant, and racism has been normalized and called "life".  And yet... we are (for the most part) all good people.  So why? 

What have we settled for, for the sake of not stirring the pot?  What grievances have we overlooked so we don't feel compelled to help?  What have you, personally, decided you were okay with, even though it was so. not. okay?

I once had a commitment which, halfway through, told me I'd need to buy some supplies I could not afford.  Had I known, I may not have even volunteered for that reason.  When I expressed this concern, I was brushed off with a, "You can find them at Walmart for like $20." 

Well, folks, wealth is a privilege.  And yes, to some, $20 to spend is wealthy (I currently have $11 and I'm feelin' pretty damn good about myself).  If you have money to spare, I'm happy for you.... look out for the little guy. 

We started a community garden.  We were the only ones to participate, but that was okay.  When harvest time came, I put the extra out by the street with a sign that said "Free". 

Someone squashed them all over the street.

Food is a need.  If you have extra, I'm thrilled about that... feed the hungry.

Several times we attempted block parties, even advertising in places like where you found my link.  One time we had someone show up, and that was amazing!  ...and he wasn't even our neighbor.

Friendship is not a given.  If you have friends, wonderful! ...Extend the olive branch.  Someone is lonely near you.

We settle for less, expect less, and do less... for what?  To stay in our comfort zone?  How is that working for you?  How happy are you - really - with the state of things in your city?

It comes down to you.  No one can fix things for you.

If you want community, be the one to reach out.

If you want an abundant city, donate to someone in need.

If your job is not paying you a livable wage, walk away!  Yes, you can!

Don't accept less than what you are worth!

I realize this sounds easy for some stranger on the internet, so let me just say this:
We have 5 children.  We know that life's not cheap.  We know that so well, in fact, that my husband left a job that didn't treat or pay him well, and I pursue endeavors that may or may not pay off financially, but feed my soul.  We've both been called crazy for these things... and yet here we are, living a life that we know we'll look back on with pride, because we already do.  

I don't know what your path is.  But you do.  Is it really living in a city that doesn't care? 
If not... what are you going to do about it?

All You Need

Don’t tell me what I can be 

Cuz you don’t have a clue

I won’t bother explaining- 

Nah, this poem is not for you

This poem is for the rebels

With or without a cause

The ones who have “too big” of dreams

I beg you, take no pause

Don’t listen when They tell you

To focus, change your plans

That there’s “more to it” than just Knowing

Somehow, that you can

Don’t listen to the haters 

(Cuz that’s just what they are)

Please, keep believing in your soul

I KNOW you will go far

Who are they to tell you

What can or can’t be done?

Who are they to lay the path

And tell you where to run?

They had their chance to do it

And maybe their way works

But so does yours, stick to your guns!

Put YOUR heart’s guidance first!

It doesn’t always make sense

(In truth, it rarely will)

But what you want, it wants you too

Before, after, and still

So when those voices pipe up,

I pray you’ll pay no heed 

Cuz God gave YOU your dreams, your goals;

You’ve got all that you need. 

Journy 

More

I’m more than a date

I’m more than a fuck

More than potential

More than a quick buck 

I don’t cease existing

When you don’t need me 

I have my own wants

I have my own needs

I am not your plaything 

Don’t toss me away

When it’s clear that “no”

Is a word that I say

If you can’t come to me

With friendship, with care

With more than just requests

Then do not you dare

Don’t you come at me

With “pleases” and “why”s

If that’s all you have for me

Don’t waste my time

But if you can see past 

My body, my face

To the soul inside me

Then come, take your place

‘Cause friends I will welcome

With arms open wide

And I think you’ll like 

Having me by your side

So next time you’re thinking

“She’d look nice in bed”

I hope you’ll think back

To the words that I’ve said:

We are all PEOPLE;

Not here just to please

And if you think we are,

YOU’RE part of the disease

Journy 

Perfect

You’re hoping to be noticed 

You’re wanting to be seen 

Be heard and loved for what YOU ARE

instead of what you’ve been 

You’re asking to be sculpted by the Great and Holy One

The key that you are missing is: the Sculpting has begun

You are already perfect 

Exactly as you Are

Excellence is not a treasure

gathered from afar 

You’ve already been noticed by the One who holds the tools

Enjoying it means realizing you’re life is to be used

Used to spread the sunshine 

Used to spread the love

Used to show those down below

that they’re seen from above 

Used to be of service to each life - each tree, each man

Used to reunite US ALL, til arm in arm we stand

So let go of the chisel 

And keep your hand in mine

Together we will walk a path

‘tis lit by the Divine

And instead of wond’ring what it is that we may lack

Let’s realize that we’re worth it - that we’re perfect - and BE THAT!

-Journy