I wish I could paint
I wish I could draw
I wish that my work
Would leave you in awe
I wish I could color
Emotions and dreams
Give shape to my visions
And shade to my schemes
Perhaps I will someday
Take paper and pen
And draw something special
But until then
My rainbow is simple
In greys, blacks, and blues
My pen is my paintbrush,
My words are my hues
The world is my easle
The page is my canvas
My dreams are the colors
Above and around us
My heart is my vision
It fuels all my dreams
And though they look simple
They aren't as they seem
My life is the subject
I sit down to paint
And pen touching parchment
I know I can't taint
This canvas, these colors,
Because - don't you see? -
The works I'm creating
Are perfectly Me
Wednesday, June 21, 2017
Tuesday, June 20, 2017
The Girl in the Mirror
About a decade ago, in the throes of a deep depression, I stared out the window of a car. As the car passes under a lamppost I caught a glimpse of my reflection, and I wasn't quite shocked to see that the girl in the glass looked just as sad as I felt. A single tear rolled down her cheek, and the sight inspired a poem.
I found that poem again a few days ago, and my heart ached at the pain the words conveyed. I thought about keeping it, but it was just too sad... So I rewrote it, instead.
This is the finished product:
I stare at the mirror
And look through the glass
The woman behind it
Stares right back
She watches me
With knowing eyes
And seems know
Just what lies
Beyond the shadows
Of day and night
And yet she waits
Silently
Years ago
When smiles were tears
And hours were years
And hopes were fears
I asked myself:
What would it be like?
The existence seemed grim:
To never laugh,
Except with them
To cry their tears
And share their fears
...But also their wonder
Their hopes
And their dreams;
To feel their joy
As it bursts from the seams
And lights up the smiles
On their faces
It took so long
For me to see
What it means to be
A girl
Whose whole world
Is that of waiting
Anticipating
Of staring
And knowing
And watching
And only showing
It took so long to see
That I
Am the girl in the mirror
I found that poem again a few days ago, and my heart ached at the pain the words conveyed. I thought about keeping it, but it was just too sad... So I rewrote it, instead.
This is the finished product:
I stare at the mirror
And look through the glass
The woman behind it
Stares right back
She watches me
With knowing eyes
And seems know
Just what lies
Beyond the shadows
Of day and night
And yet she waits
Silently
Years ago
When smiles were tears
And hours were years
And hopes were fears
I asked myself:
What would it be like?
The existence seemed grim:
To never laugh,
Except with them
To cry their tears
And share their fears
...But also their wonder
Their hopes
And their dreams;
To feel their joy
As it bursts from the seams
And lights up the smiles
On their faces
It took so long
For me to see
What it means to be
A girl
Whose whole world
Is that of waiting
Anticipating
Of staring
And knowing
And watching
And only showing
It took so long to see
That I
Am the girl in the mirror
Tuesday, June 13, 2017
Shake - an Original by Amber
I wrote a song in the shower last year. It finally came back to me last week.
Monday, June 12, 2017
Universal Mirrors
Sometimes a Mirror is all that I see
when I'm staring at you and you're looking at me
& sometimes I think, why not just let it be?
We don't need to force the direction
& then there's the words – all the things that I hear
The good and the bad, spoken year after year
& even my own oft' perpetuate fear
Despite all my "best of intentions"
My brain runs away from me; scurries on fast
& though I can catch it, I know it won't last
& soon - oh so soon! - I Know all will be past
All the thoughts & the words & inflections
But maybe that's best, as I sit down to think
No don't think, but feel! Yes, feel it to the brink
Feel the whole Universe within a blink
As you stare into each new Reflection
when I'm staring at you and you're looking at me
& sometimes I think, why not just let it be?
We don't need to force the direction
& then there's the words – all the things that I hear
The good and the bad, spoken year after year
& even my own oft' perpetuate fear
Despite all my "best of intentions"
My brain runs away from me; scurries on fast
& though I can catch it, I know it won't last
& soon - oh so soon! - I Know all will be past
All the thoughts & the words & inflections
But maybe that's best, as I sit down to think
No don't think, but feel! Yes, feel it to the brink
Feel the whole Universe within a blink
As you stare into each new Reflection
Wednesday, June 7, 2017
From Christian to Pantheist - a Journey
As I sit down to write this, my stomach is twisted in knots.
They're the good kind of knots... the type you might get as you board the coolest, scariest roller-coaster you've ever seen... the type that say, "This is scary... but in a really good way." The type that lay your fears before you to be confronted, and leave you feeling victoriously triumphant when you're done.
There will be those who don't believe that; who believe that my 'knots' are something else, something darker. And that's okay. To be honest with you, it is exactly those people whose possible responses I am fearful of... and that's okay, too. It's just where I am right now. But it's not enough of a reason to stop.
You see, I have something to say. I've wanted to say it for a while, but my motivations for doing so were always of a lesser caliber than this post deserves. Because, you see, what I have to say is Sacred. It is my Truth. And now, finally, I am telling it for the right reasons.
Most people who know me know I was raised Mormon, and then left when I was 20. Since then, what few people know is that my views have never quite stopped shifting and changing (often seemingly against my will). It's not something I've hidden, per se, but I did know from experience that the reception would likely be less-than-positive...so I haven't exactly announced it, either.
Well, I suppose that's not entirely true. In my own way - sometimes subtly, sometimes less so - I have let on. However, now I'm ready to truly tell my story.
It began, as you may guess, after I left the Mormon church. I went through a period of anger - I felt lied to and then abandoned when those beliefs fell away - then anger turned to sadness, and sadness to acceptance. For a time I stayed in that, content to believe what I was now being told was true.
However, if there's one thing my journey as a Mormon-to-Christian taught me, it was: question everything.
And so I did.
I was very interested in the why's and how's and wherefore's, so to speak. And while I knew there were many answers I would not be able to find, I realized that I was unable to accept 'truth' simply because it had been served to me from a pulpit.
And so I searched.
I dug.
I prayed.
Oh boy did I pray.
And as I did so, I realized there was one belief from Mormonism that, no matter how hard I tried to let it go, kept coming back, and that is: everybody gets to Heaven (well, not everybody, but damn near close... but that's a different topic).
I tried and I tried to release that belief, as 'good Christians' were supposed to, but I found it impossible. After all, how could a loving God create people who will NEVER hear of Him... just to send them to Hell for not believing in His existence? No, no, that couldn't be right... Not the God who made it clear that He IS Love... Not my God...
And so I continued searching. I continued praying.
My next 'crazy theory' (as I came to call the things I thought up that caused Traditional Christians to cry "blasphemy!") was that perhaps all of the major religions, even Mormonism, have some truth to them. After all, when I truly looked closely at their creeds, so many have so many similarities - both the 'good' and the 'bad'. It's astounding, really!
Then it went deeper... I remember specifically one night that my now-husband ~R~ and I were talking, and I had epiphany after epiphany after epiphany. "What if, when Jesus says, "I AM", what if he means... What if he means he's EVERYTHING? Like, EVERYTHING everything... The entire UNIVERSE! The good... and even the bad. Except it isn't bad, it's just... I dunno, vibration? And it all fits perfectly together, like the Yin and Yang symbol! What if..."
I wish I could remember more of that night, but truly I don't think I could put it into words even if I did. It's an experience I would share if I could... but I cannot. At least not right now. And that is beautiful.
All of that^ took place over the course of about 4 years, and the final 'yin and yang' piece of the puzzle had, I thought, completed my transformation, and my theories remained in the suspended state they had become for nearly a year.
...Then ~R~ sent me this video.
I was floored.
Admittedly there was some that did not 'resonate with me' (a term I have come to adopt), however it threw open a door that had to that point only been cracked. My curiosity was more than just piqued - it was on fire.
I spent the next week in a state of intense, almost overwhelming positive emotion as I searched for more and more clues. I researched relentlessly, feeling as though I was finally lapping up the knowledge that I had been thirsting for for centuries (and truly, I may have been - I believe that to be a possibility). The more I learned, the less I realized I knew... and the more Awakened I became.
Today I consider myself a pantheist (although, again, that word fails me). I know that I don't have all the answers, but I now understand that no one on this 3rd Dimensional plane does... and that it's meant to be exactly that way.
I don't know what I'll learn next, or when I'll learn it, but I do know that what I've gleaned so far has vastly transformed the entirety my life...
...and I've never been more grateful for anything.
This is all I'll say about my beliefs here. I will be starting another blog, though, and will be writing out many of the theories that come to me as I feel so drawn. I hope that all who read this post continue to live their Truth exactly as they see fit - which is exactly how I plan to live mine. May love and light be with you, always.
And so It Is.
They're the good kind of knots... the type you might get as you board the coolest, scariest roller-coaster you've ever seen... the type that say, "This is scary... but in a really good way." The type that lay your fears before you to be confronted, and leave you feeling victoriously triumphant when you're done.
There will be those who don't believe that; who believe that my 'knots' are something else, something darker. And that's okay. To be honest with you, it is exactly those people whose possible responses I am fearful of... and that's okay, too. It's just where I am right now. But it's not enough of a reason to stop.
You see, I have something to say. I've wanted to say it for a while, but my motivations for doing so were always of a lesser caliber than this post deserves. Because, you see, what I have to say is Sacred. It is my Truth. And now, finally, I am telling it for the right reasons.
Most people who know me know I was raised Mormon, and then left when I was 20. Since then, what few people know is that my views have never quite stopped shifting and changing (often seemingly against my will). It's not something I've hidden, per se, but I did know from experience that the reception would likely be less-than-positive...so I haven't exactly announced it, either.
Well, I suppose that's not entirely true. In my own way - sometimes subtly, sometimes less so - I have let on. However, now I'm ready to truly tell my story.
It began, as you may guess, after I left the Mormon church. I went through a period of anger - I felt lied to and then abandoned when those beliefs fell away - then anger turned to sadness, and sadness to acceptance. For a time I stayed in that, content to believe what I was now being told was true.
However, if there's one thing my journey as a Mormon-to-Christian taught me, it was: question everything.
And so I did.
I was very interested in the why's and how's and wherefore's, so to speak. And while I knew there were many answers I would not be able to find, I realized that I was unable to accept 'truth' simply because it had been served to me from a pulpit.
And so I searched.
I dug.
I prayed.
Oh boy did I pray.
And as I did so, I realized there was one belief from Mormonism that, no matter how hard I tried to let it go, kept coming back, and that is: everybody gets to Heaven (well, not everybody, but damn near close... but that's a different topic).
I tried and I tried to release that belief, as 'good Christians' were supposed to, but I found it impossible. After all, how could a loving God create people who will NEVER hear of Him... just to send them to Hell for not believing in His existence? No, no, that couldn't be right... Not the God who made it clear that He IS Love... Not my God...
And so I continued searching. I continued praying.
My next 'crazy theory' (as I came to call the things I thought up that caused Traditional Christians to cry "blasphemy!") was that perhaps all of the major religions, even Mormonism, have some truth to them. After all, when I truly looked closely at their creeds, so many have so many similarities - both the 'good' and the 'bad'. It's astounding, really!
Then it went deeper... I remember specifically one night that my now-husband ~R~ and I were talking, and I had epiphany after epiphany after epiphany. "What if, when Jesus says, "I AM", what if he means... What if he means he's EVERYTHING? Like, EVERYTHING everything... The entire UNIVERSE! The good... and even the bad. Except it isn't bad, it's just... I dunno, vibration? And it all fits perfectly together, like the Yin and Yang symbol! What if..."
I wish I could remember more of that night, but truly I don't think I could put it into words even if I did. It's an experience I would share if I could... but I cannot. At least not right now. And that is beautiful.
All of that^ took place over the course of about 4 years, and the final 'yin and yang' piece of the puzzle had, I thought, completed my transformation, and my theories remained in the suspended state they had become for nearly a year.
...Then ~R~ sent me this video.
I was floored.
Admittedly there was some that did not 'resonate with me' (a term I have come to adopt), however it threw open a door that had to that point only been cracked. My curiosity was more than just piqued - it was on fire.
I spent the next week in a state of intense, almost overwhelming positive emotion as I searched for more and more clues. I researched relentlessly, feeling as though I was finally lapping up the knowledge that I had been thirsting for for centuries (and truly, I may have been - I believe that to be a possibility). The more I learned, the less I realized I knew... and the more Awakened I became.
Today I consider myself a pantheist (although, again, that word fails me). I know that I don't have all the answers, but I now understand that no one on this 3rd Dimensional plane does... and that it's meant to be exactly that way.
I don't know what I'll learn next, or when I'll learn it, but I do know that what I've gleaned so far has vastly transformed the entirety my life...
...and I've never been more grateful for anything.
This is all I'll say about my beliefs here. I will be starting another blog, though, and will be writing out many of the theories that come to me as I feel so drawn. I hope that all who read this post continue to live their Truth exactly as they see fit - which is exactly how I plan to live mine. May love and light be with you, always.
And so It Is.
Thursday, June 1, 2017
Parenting: A+
Over the course of the past week or two I've seen this post pop up on my stats tracker as having been recently viewed. It showed up once more today, and curiosity got hold of me. Why would someone be interested in something I had written 5 years ago? So I clicked on it.
The person that greeted me in that post was a very hurt one. That hurt manifested itself in way of anger, even slight vindictiveness. She felt jaded and betrayed; people she had trusted were trying to take her baby away! Where was the justice in that?? She knew that they truly believed she had gone nuts - to an extent she didn't blame them - and probably honestly thought that she would be a harmful influence on K, but the hurt had finally piled too high to see over... and so she lashed out.
My heart ached for the woman who wrote that post, but this time it also ached for her 'oppressors'. While I knew it even as my fingers drummed the keys 5 years ago, this time I truly felt their worry. Their concern. Their fear.
Their fear for the little girl whom they knew was too thin... but didn't know had already seen several pediatricians and undergone several tests; about her mother whom they knew had without warning left the husband she'd professed for years to love... but didn't see the crippling depression she'd been hiding since the day she'd said "Yes (I do)" and 'cemented her fate' (or so she had thought). Yes, there had been another side to the story, but they didn't know that. I hadn't told them. In my tumultuous sea that I could scarcely maneuver, I'd let my own sorrows and pain interrupt what should have been a mutually beneficial line of communication... and unintentionally caused the very fear that dialed CPS's number.
Of course they'd thought I'd gone crazy. Of course they thought K would be better off raised without me as an active participant. How could it be any other way? And so, believing in their heart of hearts that they were doing the best thing for K... of course they took action. In my own way... I'm glad they did; it shows just how important she is to them.
Just as I was doing my best, they too were doing theirs.
For years there has been a part of me, at times small and at others quite monumental, that has harbored resentment over this. Part of that is that I never got the apology I felt I deserved. But I've realized, finally, that there is no apology necessary. None that even 'should' happen, really... They were doing what they legitimately thought was the right thing to do. What was best. And if you're giving your best... should you really apologize for that??
So I'm letting go. I'm forgiving, them and myself. I'm accepting that this is what happened; that there were no innocent or guilty parties. It is what it is, and I'm truly okay with that.
The pictures I will keep. Like I said, it is what it is. Forgiveness and acceptance don't erase the event, only the pain. But that being said, I've deleted the original message. Let the hurt, the anger, and fear stay in the past. They have no place in my Now <3
The person that greeted me in that post was a very hurt one. That hurt manifested itself in way of anger, even slight vindictiveness. She felt jaded and betrayed; people she had trusted were trying to take her baby away! Where was the justice in that?? She knew that they truly believed she had gone nuts - to an extent she didn't blame them - and probably honestly thought that she would be a harmful influence on K, but the hurt had finally piled too high to see over... and so she lashed out.
My heart ached for the woman who wrote that post, but this time it also ached for her 'oppressors'. While I knew it even as my fingers drummed the keys 5 years ago, this time I truly felt their worry. Their concern. Their fear.
Their fear for the little girl whom they knew was too thin... but didn't know had already seen several pediatricians and undergone several tests; about her mother whom they knew had without warning left the husband she'd professed for years to love... but didn't see the crippling depression she'd been hiding since the day she'd said "Yes (I do)" and 'cemented her fate' (or so she had thought). Yes, there had been another side to the story, but they didn't know that. I hadn't told them. In my tumultuous sea that I could scarcely maneuver, I'd let my own sorrows and pain interrupt what should have been a mutually beneficial line of communication... and unintentionally caused the very fear that dialed CPS's number.
Of course they'd thought I'd gone crazy. Of course they thought K would be better off raised without me as an active participant. How could it be any other way? And so, believing in their heart of hearts that they were doing the best thing for K... of course they took action. In my own way... I'm glad they did; it shows just how important she is to them.
Just as I was doing my best, they too were doing theirs.
For years there has been a part of me, at times small and at others quite monumental, that has harbored resentment over this. Part of that is that I never got the apology I felt I deserved. But I've realized, finally, that there is no apology necessary. None that even 'should' happen, really... They were doing what they legitimately thought was the right thing to do. What was best. And if you're giving your best... should you really apologize for that??
So I'm letting go. I'm forgiving, them and myself. I'm accepting that this is what happened; that there were no innocent or guilty parties. It is what it is, and I'm truly okay with that.
The pictures I will keep. Like I said, it is what it is. Forgiveness and acceptance don't erase the event, only the pain. But that being said, I've deleted the original message. Let the hurt, the anger, and fear stay in the past. They have no place in my Now <3
This is the Cover Letter I got from CPS (above)
Page 1 of the Safety Assessment (above)
Page 2 of the Safety Assessment (above)
Page 4 of the Safety Assessment (above)
Final Page of the Safety Assessment (above)
The Parenting Assessment I took at the New Parent Support group (above)
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