Over the course of the past week or two I've seen this post pop up on my stats tracker as having been recently viewed. It showed up once more today, and curiosity got hold of me. Why would someone be interested in something I had written 5 years ago? So I clicked on it.
The person that greeted me in that post was a very hurt one. That hurt manifested itself in way of anger, even slight vindictiveness. She felt jaded and betrayed; people she had trusted were trying to take her baby away! Where was the justice in that?? She knew that they truly believed she had gone nuts - to an extent she didn't blame them - and probably honestly thought that she would be a harmful influence on K, but the hurt had finally piled too high to see over... and so she lashed out.
My heart ached for the woman who wrote that post, but this time it also ached for her 'oppressors'. While I knew it even as my fingers drummed the keys 5 years ago, this time I truly felt their worry. Their concern. Their fear.
Their fear for the little girl whom they knew was too thin... but didn't know had already seen several pediatricians and undergone several tests; about her mother whom they knew had without warning left the husband she'd professed for years to love... but didn't see the crippling depression she'd been hiding since the day she'd said "Yes (I do)" and 'cemented her fate' (or so she had thought). Yes, there had been another side to the story, but they didn't know that. I hadn't told them. In my tumultuous sea that I could scarcely maneuver, I'd let my own sorrows and pain interrupt what should have been a mutually beneficial line of communication... and unintentionally caused the very fear that dialed CPS's number.
Of course they'd thought I'd gone crazy. Of course they thought K would be better off raised without me as an active participant. How could it be any other way? And so, believing in their heart of hearts that they were doing the best thing for K... of course they took action. In my own way... I'm glad they did; it shows just how important she is to them.
Just as I was doing my best, they too were doing theirs.
For years there has been a part of me, at times small and at others quite monumental, that has harbored resentment over this. Part of that is that I never got the apology I felt I deserved. But I've realized, finally, that there is no apology necessary. None that even 'should' happen, really... They were doing what they legitimately thought was the right thing to do. What was best. And if you're giving your best... should you really apologize for that??
So I'm letting go. I'm forgiving, them and myself. I'm accepting that this is what happened; that there were no innocent or guilty parties. It is what it is, and I'm truly okay with that.
The pictures I will keep. Like I said, it is what it is. Forgiveness and acceptance don't erase the event, only the pain. But that being said, I've deleted the original message. Let the hurt, the anger, and fear stay in the past. They have no place in my Now <3
The person that greeted me in that post was a very hurt one. That hurt manifested itself in way of anger, even slight vindictiveness. She felt jaded and betrayed; people she had trusted were trying to take her baby away! Where was the justice in that?? She knew that they truly believed she had gone nuts - to an extent she didn't blame them - and probably honestly thought that she would be a harmful influence on K, but the hurt had finally piled too high to see over... and so she lashed out.
My heart ached for the woman who wrote that post, but this time it also ached for her 'oppressors'. While I knew it even as my fingers drummed the keys 5 years ago, this time I truly felt their worry. Their concern. Their fear.
Their fear for the little girl whom they knew was too thin... but didn't know had already seen several pediatricians and undergone several tests; about her mother whom they knew had without warning left the husband she'd professed for years to love... but didn't see the crippling depression she'd been hiding since the day she'd said "Yes (I do)" and 'cemented her fate' (or so she had thought). Yes, there had been another side to the story, but they didn't know that. I hadn't told them. In my tumultuous sea that I could scarcely maneuver, I'd let my own sorrows and pain interrupt what should have been a mutually beneficial line of communication... and unintentionally caused the very fear that dialed CPS's number.
Of course they'd thought I'd gone crazy. Of course they thought K would be better off raised without me as an active participant. How could it be any other way? And so, believing in their heart of hearts that they were doing the best thing for K... of course they took action. In my own way... I'm glad they did; it shows just how important she is to them.
Just as I was doing my best, they too were doing theirs.
For years there has been a part of me, at times small and at others quite monumental, that has harbored resentment over this. Part of that is that I never got the apology I felt I deserved. But I've realized, finally, that there is no apology necessary. None that even 'should' happen, really... They were doing what they legitimately thought was the right thing to do. What was best. And if you're giving your best... should you really apologize for that??
So I'm letting go. I'm forgiving, them and myself. I'm accepting that this is what happened; that there were no innocent or guilty parties. It is what it is, and I'm truly okay with that.
The pictures I will keep. Like I said, it is what it is. Forgiveness and acceptance don't erase the event, only the pain. But that being said, I've deleted the original message. Let the hurt, the anger, and fear stay in the past. They have no place in my Now <3
This is the Cover Letter I got from CPS (above)
Page 1 of the Safety Assessment (above)
Page 2 of the Safety Assessment (above)
Page 4 of the Safety Assessment (above)
Final Page of the Safety Assessment (above)
The Parenting Assessment I took at the New Parent Support group (above)
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