K:
He was my first
love. I loved him with everything I
had. He was all I thought about, day and
night. I dreamed about him whenever I
didn’t talk to him. I made up every
possible excuse to get on the computer to check and see if he’d emailed
me. Everything I did I did for him. I adored that boy. When I looked at him I got butterflies. When he so much as brushed my hand, a
tingling like I’d never felt went up my spine.
And not in a lustful way. It was
more. So much more.
I don’t think our
relationship ever gained anyone’s ‘approval’.
After all, we were both quite young.
I was 14, he was turning 16. But
I didn’t care. I didn’t care what anyone
thought. I was happy. Happier than I’d ever been in my life.
Then I got scared. I knew he was good looking – half the school
wanted him for crying out loud! – and I got very nervous that he might leave
me. I became depressed. I think that’s probably part of what drove
him away. And when he did, my heart
broke. No, it more than broke. It shattered.
Into a million pieces. It took me
a long time to catch on (well, no offense to him, but he didn’t exactly break
up with me. At least not to ‘normal’
standards, so I was very confused!) but when I did I was devastated. But I loved him. And when I finally figured it out, I told him
I was sorry for the way I had acted. I
then told his new girlfriend that I was letting go, but I warned her not to
hurt him. I was very young, but I loved
him. And even though it killed me, I
wanted for his happiness more than my own.
It took me a very long
time to get over him. It was several,
several months before I stopped making every excuse to see him. It was a couple of years before I stopped
being willing to go out of my way to see him if the opportunity presented
itself. It was even longer before I
stopped checking his Facebook every now and then. Now the only time I ever look at his Facebook
is if he posts something I find particularly amusing. I’m very much over him, but I still hold a
special place in my heart for his memory.
S:
I didn’t mean to fall
in love with S. In fact, I meant not to.
But I fell, hard and fast. I
loved him just as much as I loved K.
Ours was a more passionate relationship (not that kind of passionate,
mind out of the gutter, thank you, haha), and full of ups and downs. But the ups were so up, and the downs weren’t all that bad. Any time I saw his name pop up on my phone, I
got excited. Anytime we Skyped, I was
thrilled. It was a long distance
relationship, and though we couldn’t do much together we found ways around
that; World of Warcraft became a staple.
Skype was a must. We played
online chess every now and then just to keep things ‘fresh’. Even though it was totally unorthodox, I was
happy with it.
Our relationship was
taboo, though. I was married (like I
said, I tried not to fall in love). “We”
could never be. We tried to keep things
on a ‘brother and sister’ kind of level, but that was more a façade for others’
sakes than anything. It was horrible and
wonderful all at once, but it had to stop, somehow, and we both knew it.
I got over S a lot
quicker than I got over K, and I have S to thank for that. Honestly, he changed. He changed so dramatically and drastically
that I barely recognized him. The sweet,
kind, loving, caring person I knew had been replaced by someone greedy, deceitful,
and lustful. He broke my heart, but in a
different kind of way than K had; K had crushed my heart. S crushed my soul. If the S I knew was still around, I’d
probably still be in love with him. But
he changed, and as much as I wanted to hold onto the S of the past, I
couldn’t. I still check up on him from
time to time, but it’s for much different reasons.
X:
Xwas sweet. He was shy, and very quiet, but sweet and
respectful. We rarely talked, but he was
a great kisser. We’d write notes back
and forth every class period. Mine were
always a page or two long. His were
barely a paragraph. I had a crush. But I wasn’t in love. X wasn’t who I wanted to be with. He wasn’t my first choice, or even my second
or third. My 1st choice was a
boy named Stephen Parry who didn’t know I existed (at least not at that point). I had a nickname for him when I didn’t know
his name, but for the life of me I couldn’t remember it. My second choice was a boy named Alex Rodriguez. He and I had Biology
together, and he was very handsome. I
wanted to ask him out to Masquerade but he’d been taken. Third was our friend, Rob, and I might’ve had
a chance there, but Caylee (his former girlfriend whom he was still in love
with and my best friend) broke up with her then-boyfriend and I knew she wanted
him back. So then there was X. And I wanted a boyfriend, so….
We got married. Most everyone approved of our relationship,
and I was proud to be one of the first of my friends to get married. We had a good, respectable life, and I made
it very public. The happiness I had in
our marriage came from the attention I got as a homemaker and wife of a
Marine. But inside our home I was
miserable. We never did anything
together; our relationship was just as stale as it had been in High
School. When we did do things together
it was forced. Honestly, it was when he
was deployed that I was the happiest. A
harsh truth, but truth none the less.
Now we’ve been
separated for going on four months. And
my heart isn’t broken at all. It aches
for him, but I don’t miss him. I don’t
check up on his Facebook. In fact, most
of the time I don’t think about or talk to him at all, except where Keira is
concerned. Not much different than how it had been during his deployments. I also hurt when people tell me how horrible
I am, but luckily that’s happening less and less and I’m getting more and more “I
love you”s and “I don’t judge you”s than I ever thought I’d get. If I felt even an ounce of the pain I’d felt
about losing K or while getting over S I would be inclined to
stay. But I don’t.
And honestly, I would
rather feel that pain all over again, than live feeling numb about the person I
am with. I want to find someone who can
break my heart into a million pieces, but who won’t. I want to find someone who, if they changed, would
crush my soul, but who refuses to do that.
I want to find someone who is just as sweet and respectful to me as X was in High School, but who I love as much – no, MORE! – as I loved K and S. And I think that maybe, just
maybe, I might have found that. Or, at
least the start. ;-)
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