Musings

Okay, so before I start, I just want to exclaim my odd excitement, haha: people in Germany, Russia, Japan, and the UK have seen my blog! And more than once!  Russia's in the lead with 11 views, Germany's at 8, the UK's at 7, and Japans is at like 6.  I know, I know, those numbers are really small, but this is a big deal to me! I don't really know why, but it is, haha.

Anyway, I was thinking about something today.  About the guy I'm dating, J, actually.  We're coming up on three months, and even though it's only been a short amount of time... I think I'm in love with him.  Problem is, I can't tell him because I want to be 110% sure, not just 99.999%.  But let me put it to you this way: I've stopped looking at S's Facebook, and the only time I think about K is when he retaliates in Words With Friends (he's kicking my ass, I'm afraid).  All I want is J, and that's a big deal, because I loved both of them very much.  The fact that he trumps each of them (not just now, but how I felt back then) is a very big deal.

But even if I was 110% sure, I couldn't tell him.  See, he has it set in his head that the words "I love you" are over used in today's world.  And don't get me wrong, they are.  I know of people who are saying "I love you" less than a week after meeting.  Yes, some people can fall in love that quickly, but the majority of us don't.  But that's not what J means.  What he means is that people shouldn't say "I love you" until they're pretty much ready to get engaged.  Once they're engaged/married, they can go ahead and say it all they want.  But until then, no.  If it's said, it should be said sparingly.

This is a really hard thing for me.  I am the type of person that, once I know someone loves me, I want to hear it all the time.  If I don't hear it relatively often, I start to get worried that maybe he's falling out of love with me (This is kind of based off of past experience, so don't judge me, haha).  So it's hard for me to accept that - if he says it at all - he'd only say it every once in a great while.

This weekend was also interesting.  He was in an off mood, it seemed, most of the weekend.  Friday he was irritated because he wasn't able to stay at work the whole day, and saturday and today he just seemed grouchy.  I kept taking it personal, which was really stupid of me, and although I really enjoyed spending time with him, it was very stressful.  I found myself wondering if he's going to turn out to be a 'grumpy old man' in say 50 years or so.

And the funny thing is, despite his grumpiness, despite the fact that not being told 'I love you' is going to royally suck, and despite the fact that this weekend was quite stressful, I'm determined to make it work.  He makes me happy.  I'm happy on a daily basis, and - for the most part - he only increases that happiness.  Even when things are stressful or when I get my feeling hurt, he still makes me happy.  And I want to make  him happy.  I want him to know that he is one of the most important things in the world, to me anyway (luckily I don't have to worry about him doing it here; he doesn't like to read as it is, haha). I guess that's another sign that I just might be in love with him...