Learning

                I have been doing a LOT of thinking lately.  It’s hard not to, my mind is a crazy place, haha.  But seriously, with everything that has been going on, and all that has been happening, I have spent a lot of time reflecting on the past few years.

                First of all, I’m happy to announce that X and I seem to be finally trying to put aside our differences and work together, if for no other reason than because we both love K.  However, for me it is much more than that: I still care deeply for him.  How can I not??  He was my best friend for over five years!  I know that some people don’t like to consider that, but it’s true.  And as angry and betrayed and hurt as I felt when he was trying to take K from me, I never stopped caring.  As I told him, I do sincerely hope we can be friends again one day.  For now, at least, we are being friendly, and we are trying to trust each other more.  That means more to me than I can say.

                That has had me reflecting on several things in my past.  The first being that I truly never meant to hurt him.  It breaks my heart that I broke his, and it probably always will.  But he says he understands that, now.  He agrees my attempt to spare him was extremely stupid in the long-haul, but he says he understands.  That’s more than I would have dared hoped for a year ago. 

                Another thing I have been reflecting on concerns an entirely different aspect of my life.  I have been thinking of how, in years past, I have gotten my heart broken again and again, just like I broke X’s.  I used to think it was pre-Karma, if you will.  To me, it was like God had punished me before-hand for the heartache I was going to deal X (obviously I know that’s not how He works, it just felt like it).  But I have come to realize that was never true.  I have realized I didn’t deserve it.  No tear shed, no splintering pain through my heart, no overwhelming emotional darkness, no begged plea to talk to me because I didn’t mean to upset you was deserved.  It was life, and it hurt, but I didn’t ‘earn’ it in any way.  But I have learned from it.

I have learned that the past can hurt, but it doesn’t have to.  I have learned that I don’t need to let the heartache from my past rule the actions of my future.  I have learned that I don’t have to grovel and beg for love or forgiveness; that those who truly love me will never make me do either.  I have learned that I am worth far, far more than what was dealt to me in the past.  And most importantly, I have learned that I am worthy of the love and devotion of a man whom I love more than I could ever have dreamed possibly – and I truly mean that – and that though I will never be worthy of our Father’s love, that His grace extends even to one such as I. 

I have learned many things, and I will never let anyone take that knowledge from me.

So all in all, I have been reflecting a lot.  And though I may not like some of what I see, the overall big picture looks better and better to me as each day passes.