Lately I really miss my mother... :-( We’d gone for so long without talking when I
was a kid, and I was so excited to have her back! Now I’ve lost her all over again… She said, a
lot, that she wished that we had a better relationship, and I couldn’t figure
out what she meant. Now I understand…
She’s said a lot of hurtful, untrue things about me, that I
usually just laugh off (b/c let’s face it, a lot of it is really funny!). But today I’m not laughing. Today I’m crying because I can’t stop
thinking of a promise she made me… And broke.
Well, promises, really.
She promised me once she’d never disown me. She said I was her baby and she’s love me no
matter what. Now, in her own words, I’m
dead to her. She told me once that,
after everything she’s ever done, she could and would never judge me. That there wasn’t a thing I could say to her
that would shock or offend her, or make her stop talking to me (this was said
in response to one of our many conversations in which I told her I was nervous
to tell her something b/c I thought she’d stop talking to me). And yet, it wasn’t even something *I* said
but something a *friend* of mine said to her on facebook while I wasn’t even
online that made her block me from facebook.
Yes, I told her I don’t want anything to do with her after
that, but that was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. She
tried to take my baby! She says I’m
crazy, but literally all of the evidence points to it, including the phone call
she made to a female friend of mine, J, as well as the voice messages she and
my sister, B, both left on her phone. As
much as I love and miss my mother, I cannot – I will not – let her do anything to endanger my child.
And why?? Because I upset her? Because I’m getting a
divorce?? Because I finally took a stand and made up my own mind about
something? I know it can’t be because I
don’t take care of her, because every pediatrician I’ve been to, every
developmental researcher who’s assessed her, all say she’s perfectly healthy
and happy, and that I’m a *good* mother.
So my question is, how have I suddenly become such a horrible person?? I
still know, love, and fear God. I still
want to do His will (honestly, more now than ever before!), though I do still
have my shortcomings. I still try to
take other people’s feelings and well-being into consideration when making
decisions. I still pay my taxes, I still
abide by the law. I, as a person, have
not changed! I am not perfect, but I have never been perfect! But just because
I wear tank-tops now, just because I am finally happy with someone I want to be with, doesn’t make me less of
a person in God’s eyes. …So why does it
in hers?
I keep dreaming that she calls and apologizes, or that we
have something that resembles a relationship again. In one dream she even drove all the way up to
my house to apologize to me. Although I’ll
never be able to fully trust her again, and although it would be a rocky road
to have a relationship again, I’ve already forgiven her. It just hurts now when I hear about the
things that she says about me. I don’t
*want* to keep Keira from her. I don’t
*want* to not talk to her. I certainly
don’t want a relationship that is completely on *my* terms. But I also will *not* let her take from me
the greatest blessing God has ever seen fit to give me. Maybe one day my dreams will come true, and
we’ll be able to talk again, on some level.
Maybe someday… for now I’ll just
hang on to hope that there *is* still hope…. And try not to let it get to me
too much.
http://www.rogerknapp.com/inspire/loveforever.htm
No comments:
Post a Comment