Today I was thinning out my collection of documents that I didn't even realize I had anymore, when I came across this. It was written on March 28th, according to Microsoft Word, which is about 11 days after X moved out. Even though things are different now and it is certainly over, I thought maybe it would be interesting for people to see what I though about privately to myself in those few weeks after the split:
I am hurting so badly… I don’t know what to do… I love X
with all of my heart, but not in the way I should. Knowing that that hurts him *kills* me. He is my best friend and I care infinitely
for his happiness and wellbeing. I only
ever wanted to make him happy… to the point that I made a vow I knew I never
should have made… And now I’m stuck.
Sitting here with my precious baby girl in my arms only makes things that much harder. I know that X wants to try for her sake, but I just don’t see it that way… I see the resentment that is growing in him because my true feelings are known… I feel the defensiveness at that resentment in my own heart, as well as my own resentment that he is all but forcing certain things on me, trying to make me love him. And I know the K feels it all. She sees the growing bitterness… she feels the resentment welling up in her parents, parents who should feel nothing but good feelings about each other, no matter what… X is determined to work through that for her sake, so determined that he grips me tighter and tighter, to the point that all I want to do is let go… How is that good for our child?
I know my mother thinks I’m a horrible person. Maybe she’s right. Maybe I should have never told him how I feel. Maybe I should have just borne it in silence, prayed it would go away in the next life. I’m sure some part of X would have preferred it that way… But I didn’t. I was honest with him… finally. And now I’m paying for that honesty. I’m suddenly a horrible person. I’m selfish and controlling and leaving a path of destruction everywhere I go. And yet I’m doing nothing differently… I was just – finally – honest.
I’m still praying. Begging, actually. I sit here holding my beautiful baby girl, listening to EFY music on youtube, and silently crying as I beg God to change me. I *do* want to change my heart… but I don’t know how, and after four years I’m starting to give up… This is all my fault… I never meant to hurt X… I only meant to make him happy… And I finally went way too far in my good intentions… X, if you ever read this, I am so, *so* sorry… Please forgive me...
Sitting here with my precious baby girl in my arms only makes things that much harder. I know that X wants to try for her sake, but I just don’t see it that way… I see the resentment that is growing in him because my true feelings are known… I feel the defensiveness at that resentment in my own heart, as well as my own resentment that he is all but forcing certain things on me, trying to make me love him. And I know the K feels it all. She sees the growing bitterness… she feels the resentment welling up in her parents, parents who should feel nothing but good feelings about each other, no matter what… X is determined to work through that for her sake, so determined that he grips me tighter and tighter, to the point that all I want to do is let go… How is that good for our child?
I know my mother thinks I’m a horrible person. Maybe she’s right. Maybe I should have never told him how I feel. Maybe I should have just borne it in silence, prayed it would go away in the next life. I’m sure some part of X would have preferred it that way… But I didn’t. I was honest with him… finally. And now I’m paying for that honesty. I’m suddenly a horrible person. I’m selfish and controlling and leaving a path of destruction everywhere I go. And yet I’m doing nothing differently… I was just – finally – honest.
I’m still praying. Begging, actually. I sit here holding my beautiful baby girl, listening to EFY music on youtube, and silently crying as I beg God to change me. I *do* want to change my heart… but I don’t know how, and after four years I’m starting to give up… This is all my fault… I never meant to hurt X… I only meant to make him happy… And I finally went way too far in my good intentions… X, if you ever read this, I am so, *so* sorry… Please forgive me...
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