Midnight Mournings

Well, it's not quite midnight, but it's late and my head hurts from crying so I guess it's close enough.

Today my family had a family reunion.  Great Grandma was there, as were my grandparents, great aunts and uncles, aunts and uncles, parents, and all but one of my siblings (whose phone had rejected the group text).  And me.

To be fair, my name was on the group text.  What is hurting so much right now is that nobody bothered to shoot me a text while they were there to ask where I was/if I was coming.  From what I understand, they figured it was too far a drive for me to make last minute.

Except, I would have made that drive.  In a heartbeat.  It was the last time I'd have had a chance to attend a family reunion for... geez, I don't even know, giving that we are moving out of state at the end of the month.

So tonight, I'm mourning.

When I found out, I cried so hard I woke up R (he was wonderful and took it all in stride, holding me til I calmed enough to decide to write this).  I know it wasn't intentional.  I get that.  I just wish someone had reached out to me, and asked if I was coming, rather than assume I'd rather not be bothered.  I'm family, too... right?

Truth be told, this isn't the first time.  I've been overlooked/excused ('she won't want to') from a few things - things that are considered to be pretty big deals - since moving to Utah.  And I really, really try hard to keep things in perspective (It was an accident.  They're not excluding you, they just forgot.)  But it still hurts.  

Then again, maybe it was for the best I didn't go.

No one outside of my parents and siblings seems to know how to treat me anymore.  And I get it, I do:  Ex-mormon, 2-time divorcee, and living with my 'boyfriend' ('life partner' isn't a term in the local vocab).  In a sea of LDS family, it's not really surprising that I'm something of a black sheep.

But I'm still Amber.

I still have hopes, dreams, aspirations.

Fears, pet-peeves.

Joys, random tangents, comical anecdotes. 

I'm still me.

Sometimes, I feel like they don't see that... 

I hope it's all in my head.  I truly do.  It would make it better - a million times better - if I really am just isolating myself in my head, like I tell myself.  Because feeling like your family members don't particularly want to hug you... yeah, that's a pretty rotten feeling, even if I have experienced it before.