Bittersweet

I miss him so much tonight.  We may not have talked much in recent years, but he has been… was…. My best friend from 9^th grade throughout high school, and still one of my best friends up until a few months ago.

He and I were so close.  I loved it.  I needed him, and the stability that he gave me… The friendly shoulder to cry on, the unconditional friend, the voice of reason and uplift who made me feel like life was worth living again.  Even after we started falling out of touch, he was constantly a reminder to myself of the type of person I wanted to be.

He always had feelings for me.  He told me more than once that he loved me.  But I never was able to return the feelings.  He was my very best friend, but never more than that.  Not gonna lie, I regretted not giving him a chance many times as the years went by.  I don’t know whether or not anything would have come of it, but it seems sad to me that I never found out.

I lost him for a brief time during high school.  He couldn’t handle it, he said.  I’m assuming he meant loving me while watching me be with someone else.  It was only for a little while, but my heart was broken.  Even as we grew further apart, I never wanted to lose his friendship.

And then I did.

It was a few months ago.  6, to be exact.  I got onto my facebook to see a message in my inbox from him.  It said, “Please, don't call me. Unless you're in desperate need of a friend. I'm sorry. :’-(“

I was devastated.  I quickly found out that he had deleted me from fb.  I tried calling but he wouldn’t answer.  Finally he started responding to my texts.  He told me he couldn’t be my friend right now.  No discussion, no reason, he just couldn’t. 

I was hurt.  Angry.  All the negative emotions you can think of rolled into one.  How could he?  Did he not remember all of the friends and family I had lost, some very recently??  Did he not know the intense pain I was still struggling through??  How could he not see that NOW, NOW was when I was in **desperate** need of a friend?!?

I know that we aren’t of the same faith, and that’s a huge issue for him.  I’m sure that some of my lifestyle choices are less than pleasing to him.  But I never, ever would have tried to force my beliefs or life onto him!  I was – am – still the same person that he was friends with.  I just wear tank tops now haha.  I don’t know if that was the reason or not, though.  I’m hoping not.  But I do know that, whatever it was, it broke my heart.

He was the last friend from my youth that was still my good friend.  All of the others had either grown further apart from me or hated my guts.  And since then, I have made very, very few.  And I know I have said I’m grateful for the thinning of my “friends”, because now I know who my true friends are.  But this time… this time it really hit home.  This time I had truly believed he was my true friend.

Today, six months later, I find I still have to choke back some bitter sweet tears when I think about him, especially when listening to the song “Measure of a Man” by Clay Aiken – a song that he burned onto a homemade cd for me once.  I doubt we will ever speak again, but I hope, someday, I’ll be able to look back on our friendship without bringing myself to tears.