Let It Go

This will be an …interesting post for me to write for several reasons, though mostly because I know there are some who might read it who could be hurt by what I have to say.  For that reason I won’t be posting it on facebook, and honestly I’m not even 100% sure yet if I’ll even post it to my blog… But I finally found the desire to write again, and I’m acting on that.  I’m writing for me, and though I may not divulge certain details, neither will I lie or pretend certain things didn’t happen to spare the feelings of others.

Tonight I was listening to my “Disney” channel on Pandora when the Demi Levato version of the song Let it Go came on.  Corny, I know, but it really spoke to me tonight.

“The snow glows white on the mountain tonight

Not a footprint to be seen.

A kingdom of isolation

And it looks like I’m the queen.”

For the majority of 2015, that is exactly how I felt.  I knew there were people around me who loved me, but the one person I wanted to be there….. wasn’t. No matter how I tried, begged, pleaded, he just wasn’t there.  Physically he hadn’t gone anywhere, but this type of absence was far more painful than just being in another place.  I was so very, very alone, and nothing I did, said, or asked changed that.

“Don’t let them in

Don’t let them see.

Be the good girl you always have to be.

Conceal, don’t feel,

Don’t let them know…”

I couldn’t tell anyone.  How could I?  How could I betray my love in such a way that would make others think ill of him?  I was in more pain than I’ve ever been in in my life, but I still didn’t want anyone, for a single second, to look at him with anything less than love and admiration.  I clung to the hope that we could move past this.  I forgave and tried to forget.  I didn’t tell anyone.  And the only good it did me was…… well, there was no good, really.

Alone, self-isolated, and feeling utterly abandoned, I slipped into the darkest place I’ve ever been.  Depression seems like such a happy word for how I felt.  For the first time in years, I cut to dull the emotional pain I felt.  I know how stupid that is – hell, I knew even as I did it – but in that moment I just didn’t care.  I did it only twice, but that was two time far too many. 

I wish I could say that was the worst of it, but sadly it’s not.  I started thinking suicidal thoughts.  I just wanted to pain to end.  No amount of begging or pleading was changing anything, and I just wanted it to stop.  The only thing that kept me hanging on at that point was my babies.  I needed to be there, to be strong, for them. 

It was at this point that I finally realized I couldn’t do it anymore.  I still didn’t – don’t – want to release the details of that hellish year, but I couldn’t stay any longer.  I had to leave.  For my sake, for the sake of my children (they needed a mother, not a zombie that kept them fed), I had to go.

“Well now they know.”

Or at least, they know I left.  What people “know” and what actually happened seem to be two very different things indeed.  He told a few people who are important to me what happened, and for that I’m grateful, but others of equal importance think very low of me indeed.  And I won’t lie, that hurts. 

But that pain, or the pain of the past year, have nothing on the immense joy I feel now.

“Up here in the cold thin air

I finally can breathe.

I know I left a life behind,

But I’m too relieved to grieve.”

I did do my grieving, but I did it for months before I actually left.  Now, the relief and happiness I feel melts all of that away.

“Standing, frozen,

In the life I’ve chosen.

You won’t find me;

The past is so behind me

Buried in the snow….”

It’s only been a short time, but I’ve fallen in love again.  All the pain that I’ve felt trying and failing to save my dying marriage is a memory that has been so greatly overshadowed by the love I feel now.  The memory won’t ever fade away completely, but this happiness is one that I never dreamed I’d feel.  The intensity of the devotion I’ve found for and in this man is quite literally breathtaking.  If every moment of pain I’ve ever had to feel, not just in the last year but in my entire life, was necessary to find him…..it was worth it.  So very, very worth it.  Sometimes we have to endure the crucible to find that which is most precious.

I spent hours on my knees begging God to change things.  To change my husband’s heart, to make him want me.  That never happened.  But I have no doubt in my mind that, once it was over, He placed R in my life.  And I’ve never been more grateful for anything, save my children only. 

People can think what they will.  I don’t care.  I’m “let[ting] it go”.  Because the life I have now is too full of happiness for me to give it any thought at all.