Confessions and Encouragements

I want to share something… Something I wanted to share 10 months ago, but didn’t because I was afraid it would affect how people looked at me, and I wasn’t ready to reveal my situation.

I’m ready now.

Until about 4 ½ months ago I was suffering from severe depression, one that lasted almost a year.   Eventually I started to have self-harm thoughts, for the first time in years.  

This is something I’ve done in the past – something I’m not proud of, but it happened – as a way to feel more in control of my situation.  I knew how destructive it was, and I hated it and never wanted to do it again.  So, in an attempt to find some alternative, healthier way of dealing with it, I drew.  Sometimes I drew on paper, other times I drew on my arm, things like that. 

Drawing was a much better alternative to actually cutting myself, but it wasn’t enough.

I should have reached out.

In the moment, that’s hard to even consider.  I can’t say how it is for others, but for me… I was so worried I would be a burden.  I was worried that if anyone knew, they would judge me harshly.  I was scared of knowledge of my situation getting out – I wasn’t ready for that.  I was worried… about things I shouldn’t have worried about.

It took months, but I was finally willing to talk to someone.  And what I discovered shocked and warmed me in ways I hadn’t considered: all those important people that I was afraid to let down… they opened their arms in love and comfort.  They helped me through it.  Because of that support system, I finally found the courage to change my situation. 

I am so, so grateful to those who knew what I was going through, and lent me their love and support.  I owe them my life; it is largely because of them that I escaped depression. 

I know very few people read this, but to anyone who does, if you ever feel depressed, if you ever think that no one loves you, or find yourself contemplating any sort of self-harm… please, please reach out.  You are loved.  Someone cares, even if you think they wouldn’t.  If you can’t reach out to family, call a help hotline.  You are so valuable.   You are so important.  There is no shame in what you are going through.

Depression isn’t a joke, and it isn’t something you can turn off.  If you know someone who is suffering from depression, be patient with them.  Be kind.  Don’t tell them to “shake it off”, because they can’t.  Loving someone with depression is hard, but those who do it do so much good.  So from those who have suffered from depression to those who love us: Thank you.