My Side of the Story

            This will not be a popular post among several people I know.  Because of that, I’m not going to share the link to it anywhere.  If you suspect you are one who won’t enjoy the contents, I suggest you stop reading now.

            Today I heard this song.

Wow did it speak to me.  Especially the part that says, “You tried to make me think that the blame was all on me with the pain you put me through, and now I know that it’s not me it’s YOU!”

I was used.  I was ignored.  I was completely and utterly abandoned.  I watched as the man I loved, the man I ADORED, cheated on me again and again.  I listened as he SCREAMED at me that what he had done wasn’t cheating.  I stared, not even able to comprehend what was happening, as he walked out when I literally needed him most. 

And to make it all worse, he tried to blame ME.  After the first time, and before I found out about the second, any time I would approach him and tell him I felt disconnected, he went out of his way to make me believe I was crazy.  WHO DOES THAT???

I kept silent for him.  I kept my pain hidden, because I was worried what my or his family would think of him.  Especially his… I love/d them all so much, and I didn’t want them to think less of the man they had watched grow up.

And now I know for a fact that at least one of them blames me.  Me.  The woman who stood by his side, who defended him, who begged him to change, to go to counseling – with our without me – or at least talk to our Pastor… Who forgave him again and again and again when I caught him cheating… Me, who prayed for months and months, begging God to change my husband’s heart.  I, who agreed to give him another “second chance” every single time he was unfaithful, get to take the blame.

I’ve wanted to write this since it happened.  I haven’t because of that last little bit of loyalty that was left, I guess.  Because it’s not my place to tell his friend/family what really happened. 

Well, I’m not telling them.  I’m not approaching any of them.  I’m not sharing this link anywhere, not hinting that I’ve written it, nothing.  So if they read this, that’s because they came to me, that they saw the title of this post, and they still read it.  I deserve to be able to speak the truth about the HELL that was the last two years of my life.

            I DESERVE to be able to vent about how he was searching for something “on the side” while I was in labor with our first son.

            I DESERVE to talk about how he promised me again and again that he was done, it was over, that he only wanted me… only to betray me once again.

            I DESERVE to be able to say “I’m a SURVIVOR of the debilitating depression I fell into as direct result of his actions.”

            …And I am not responsible for protecting him anymore.

            I no longer love him – I fell out of love a few months, even, before we split up – and I’m so happy now.  And believe it or not, I do still want to maintain some sort of friendship with him.

            But I have not forgotten. 

            I guess I haven’t completely forgiven, either.