Nightmares, nightmares, go away...

            I’ve always had strange dreams, and I’m usually quite fond of them (the book I wrote a few years back started out as a dream that I tweaked because I’m not overly fond of aliens, haha).  Lately, though, many of my dreams have been rather unenjoyable.  Last night was just a downright nightmare.

            I won’t go into the details, but basically… R and I were not together.  We hadn’t broken up, we just never got together.  He existed, I knew he existed, I even knew that I loved him, but because of the circumstances in my dream I knew we couldn’t be together. It upset me so badly that I started crying, which woke him and he in turn woke me (for which I am very grateful).

            I’ve had several nightmares like this of late.  Since we got together, really.  The circumstances of each are different, but the idea is the same: I can’t be with the man I love, and I’m devastated about it. 

            At first they had me worried (we’re in a brand new relationship and I’m dreaming that we’re not together??), but thinking about them more and more… I think I understand.

            I am so in love.  So head-over-heels, crazy, in awe and adoration for this man.  He means more to me than anyone ever has, and that margin is not small.  No other romantic relationship has ever come close to meaning this much to me.

            And the thought of losing that terrifies me.  It has brought me to tears while I’m awake.  So of course my subconscious would be concerned with it!

            I have day and nightmares of something happening to my children, but I know those things aren’t likely to happen.  The thought is incredibly disturbing, though, so my mind plays it out sometimes (which is incredibly annoying, but I’ve yet to find a cure, haha).  It makes sense that it would do the same with R.

            I don’t know what I would do if I lost him.  My heart would be shattered.  I’ve suffered heartbreak before but that… that would kill me.  The part of me that makes me an actual person, anyway. 

            So, as frustrating as these nightmares are, I guess I’ll just have to focus on all the good while I’m awake, until my brain catches up and realizes that he’s not going anywhere. <3